Post # 32
First time mom’s OFTEN go way overdue, but I totally understand your concern. 9 months is QUITE pregnant!! I saw some great preggo bridesmard pics (about 8 months) on the image is found back in January. Good luck figuring this out!
Post # 33
You only live once, and life is too short.
You seriously cannot expect someone to put off such an important life event because you are getting married!
The bottom line…is it important for you to have her in your wedding? If so, size doesn’t matter!
Your letter, I’m sure, conveyed to her that you are more important than she is…despite you saying so or not.
And by the way….I know plenty of women who worked (and played) hard right down to the wire!
Post # 34
YOU are the bride
It is YOUR wedding.
Hence, YOU make all the decisions.
It is really narrow-minded for her not to think about you making sure shes OK and that this wedding does not take a physical toll on her and her unborn baby. If she is expected to deliver 3 days after your wedding, there is NO way that she will be able to do this. You should get your fiance to talk to his best man and come to some sort of rational decision. But remember, ultimately it is YOUR wedding. If you care for her well being, she will come to see that at some point.
Post # 35
I think some people have read this the wrong way…I don’t think is the poster’s intention to "get rid" of her friend because she’s pregnant. She’s concerned for her friend’s health and to be responsible for a pregnant friend is a HUGE stress factor that you have to add to all your wedding stress.
To be a Bridesmaid or Best Man…YES, is an honour…but you forget that they’re ATTENDANTS…people who HELP the bride…because times change is now acceptable for the rules to be loose…but is NEVER the bride’s duty to entertain or cater to her attendants every whim…that is something I don’t understand…BMs and MOHs should know that at the very least…they’re all "slaves" for a day…within reason….
Post # 36
Thank you all so much for your advice so far. It’s good to hear everyones opinions and feedback on the situation. 🙂
Post # 37
As a bride, one of my goals was to not let the wonderful things that were happening in my life overshadow the wonderful things that were happening in my friends lives.
So – my advice would be to be happy for your friend, and cut her some slack as she’s probably going through a range of emotions, not the least of which is guilt that she won’t be able to be as supportive of you as she’d like to be.
She will likely bow out at some point, but let her be the one to do it. Worse comes to worse, you are short one bridesmaid, which I am sure will not upset you on the day of your wedding.
Post # 38
I have to say that I don’t think most of us think of our BMs as "cheap labor." But you do sort of expect the people in your wedding party to do a few things. Like – at a minimum – show up on time – stand at the front of the church – socialize with your guests – help you get dressed – be in the photos. My Maid/Matron of Honor was my sister, and I dearly love her, AND she has a 1-year old daughter. Because she is still breast-feeding, we had to wait until right before the wedding to order her dress, and still she was quite worried about whether or how it would fit her on top. The baby didn’t nap very well the day of the wedding, and as a result was pretty cranky during the reception. My Brother-In-Law didn’t get there with the baby until the wedding was starting (trying to get her to sleep at least a little), which meant that instead of being able to do all our family pictures beforehand, we had to take time out of the reception for that (when I would rather have been socializing with our guests). My sister was worried as to whether he was going to get there at all, so spent most of the time that we were getting ready on her cell phone getting updates – luckily I hadn’t been counting on her to lace up my dress or anything.
Now don’t get me wrong – I absolutely don’t regret having my sister in the wedding. But frankly there was a lot of extra stress introduced because of the dress issues, and dealing with the baby. It really only worked for either one of us because I actually didn’t expect anything from my sister – I had other girlfriends lined up to help with everything.
If you can do the same thing – have your friend as Maid/Matron of Honor but really structure everything such that it doesn’t throw any kind of wrench in the works if she doesn’t make it, or makes it there but can’t do much, then that’s great. If you can’t adjust your expectations in that way, then I think you’re going to have problems.
Post # 39
I can’t even believe that this is a topic and I can’t even believe that this is what people stress about. I would never expect my friends – (actually these are our closest friends that we are speaking about right) to delay getting pregnet because they have to put a bridesmaids dress on and walk down the aisle. What kind of friend would I be to them if I expected them to delay their entire life for my wedding day. No offense, but anyone who expects that should be ashamed of themselves. So what – your friend has a pregnet belly the day of your wedding – you should be happy for her – you should be thrilled for her. I’m getting married October 11th and when we went dress shopping there was a chance that my friend could of been pregnet for my wedding and at this point she is not and I am very sad for her. Think about your friends who are having a hard time getting pregnet and how they might feel. I just can’t believe that people are this selfish. I understand thatthis is your day and trust me – I feel that way to. I am having a huge black tie wedding – my wedding is not being down played – so I don’t want anyone to think I feel this way because my wedding is not a big deal. I just really feel sorry for people that are willing to boot their closest friend out of their wedding because their pregnet. Maybe you should think about your friendship and who is really the bad friend. I’ve read about this on this site before and I just can’t believe that people are willing to call their friends selfish for getting pregnet – getting pregnet is not that easy now a days for some people so it is not always planned and even if it is – maybe your friends who got married before you got engaged had plans to get pregnet before you got engaged – so maybe you ruined their plans. Just something to think about.
Post # 40
Missy1963 – I don’t think she meant it the way you’re taking it. Just saying…
Post # 41
Hey guys – we don’t mind strong opinions, but please help us keep things from getting personal! If you could all help us keep things focused on the discussion at hand (and refrain from personal attacks), that would be wonderful.
Post # 42
Your best friend’s is pregnant!! How awesome! You are about to become an "auntie"! Your day is important, of course it is. That’s why this friend of yours is so resolute about being a part of it! How lucky are you?! She is willing to go through the long day of pictures, church time, reception socializing, etc… all so she can be there for your on your important day! Not to mention the father-to-be will have to spend many hours away from his expectant wife. Honestly, count your blessings honey. Not a single person will notice if your best friend and husband will have to duck out early, or sit during the ceremony, or maybe not be there at all! Not a single soul will even notice and will probably only feel happiness if they inquire and are informed the previous Bridesmaid or Best Man is expecting in a day or so. So please, please, please, stop pretending you only care about your friend’s health (which is underscored by your constant reminder that the husband is also a groomsman… the tragedy!) Please be happy for your friend and recognize that she is equally thrilled for you! Be sad if she is not able to make it on your special day, but be equally sad that you will probably not be there for her special day (sounds like you will be on your honeymoon when the baby is born). If that doesn’t comfort you, remind yourself that if she is not available on the day, then her husband will not be available either and you will still have an even number of "friends" to stand by you.
Post # 43
I think you’re both making it more of a deal that you need to, though I completely understand your hurt. I’d just take a laid back approach and allow her to do what she likes and not expect anything much from her. Tell her how much you care about her and want her to be comfortable and reassure her of your friendship whether she ends up a full bridesmaid, a guest, or a bridesmaid who tried, but in the end had to sit a bunch of things out, and then leave it up to her to decide what she can handle. As I said, don’t expect anything from her, or her husband, so you aren’t counting on them in case they have to run off for the birth!
Really, don’t borrow worry when you don’t have to.
Post # 44
I also don’t think this post was meant to suggest that the Maid/Matron of Honor should have waited to get pregnant because of the planned wedding date. However, you have to be realistic about what your friends and family can provide as far as help on your big day – and the fact is, you’re going to need some help! If all you really want is for your friend to be by your side, and you’re not going to be thrown for a loop when or if she can’t do that (which sounds likely) – then it’s no problem if she’s days from delivery on the wedding date. And that’s wonderful.
However, if you want an Maid/Matron of Honor who will perform more of the traditional duties of the role, then you have to be realistic about who you pick. Someone who will be really, really pregnant at your wedding date might not be the best choice. Not picking someone like that for the job doesn’t make you a crummy friend – it just makes you realistic. Even with my little niece a year old on the wedding day, I would have had serious problems if I’d expected my sister/MOH to wear a dress that matched a whoe raft of other attendants and that wasn’t off the rack – because she had no idea what size she was realistically going to be for the wedding until right before the wedding! Plus it was kind of hard for her to lace me into a dress while keeping track of a very active 1-year old. That was fine with me – but I’m guessing from a lot of the BM-duty discussions on this website that it wouldn’t be fine with everyone. And that’s okay too.
If you tell your friend kindly that you’re really happy for her, and that for her own peace of mind and comfort you’re going to let her just be an honored guest with backstage privileges, she’s not going to hate you for it. By the time she’s 8-months enormous, she’ll be quite glad. And as long as you remember to show an appropriate amount of interest in and joy for her big event, and to try to include her in what you’re doing, your friendship should be just fine.
Post # 45
I don’t believe this is the Maid/Matron of Honor we’re talking about. She mentions that she’s BM#3. I am guessing from the way she worded it that the husband is a friend of the Fiance and the wife is a friend of the bride, but not best friends.
Post # 46
Hooray! One of your closest friends is going to have a baby! How fantastic!
I guess she won’t be as helpful a bridesmaid… it’s lucky you have two others in case she isn’t much use or decides to drop out. 🙂