- 6 years ago
I’m a regular bee, but am posting this anonymously.
Our wedding is a few months away and we have purchased all the dresses (or, I should say I have purchased half of the dresses). Of my 3 BMs and MoH, one just had a child, and I just found out two others are pregnant (within ~2 weeks of each other). The other has two young children.
I’m *really* happy for the pregnant BMs and the new mom. I had no idea that the two were planning on getting pregnant when I asked them to be BMs, but I’m not bothered by it in that awful “omg my PHOTOS” way. But I have to admit I am not 100% thrilled at the news, for a few reasons.
First, the entire Bridesmaid or Best Man dress experience has been a nightmare. I wanted different vintage dresses in different colors/styles and let each girl pick her color. I gave a basic color scheme, some ideas, and sent literally 100s of suggestions for dresses in a variety of price ranges. Suffice to say, no one is really on board with the concept I wanted and it has been like pulling teeth. I was SO relieved to finally have the dress thing sorted out, only to find that we’re back at the drawing board. It’s pretty much one of the only aspects of the wedding planning that is actually complete. Since I’m hoping for a 1950s formal wear style, you pretty much can’t get farther from the concept than a maternity dress. Think fitted top, nipped waist, full skirt. Now we’re back at square one and I don’t know what to do. I didn’t have the money to buy the original dresses, but did it because some of these girls simply weren’t going to be able to buy their own (part financial, part passive aggressive not liking the style). Now I don’t know if I should scrap the entire concept and come up with something new, and if I do that, how to actually purchase all these dresses?
I’m also a little disappointed since this wedding will be very much a DIY effort out of necessity. I knew that for some of the BMs, they were never really going to be much help. But now with everything else going on in their lives, I am hardly in a position to ask them to go out of their way to help with decor, set up, showers, bachelorette parties, whatever. To top it all off, none of us live in the wedding city (it’s where Fiance is from), so it’s going to be a complicated destination affair. I needed A LOT of help once we got there, and now that help is going to be thin, at best.
There has also been a marked lack of enthusiasm from family/friends in general. I’ve been coping with this OK and kind of came to terms with it, but know that it is going to be pushed way onto the back seat now, especially since the two newly pregnant BMs are immediate family. I know my wedding isn’t the center of the universe and never expected it to be, but now the limited interest/involvement that I actually had will also be reduced to nothing. In some ways this is a blessing, but I have really not gotten much positive feedback/encouragement/anything throughout the entire process. My parents have been very generous financially, but that’s pretty much the extent of anyone’s involvement. Some people would welcome the hands-off approach of everyone, and I understand why, but I was actually really hoping to have this be a fun experience that everyone was able to talk about. Instead, I’m doing everything myself and get minimal feedback on any questions I ask (i.e. asking for thoughts on hair/makeup got a “do whatever you want” from the few who actually bothered to respond).
Finally, and perhaps the issue that is bothering me most, is that none of these girls ever wanted to have children, whereas I have always wanted to have kids. Obviously things change, and I know they’re all (or almost all) thrilled with their kids, but it still stings a little. I also NEVER wanted to marry, but it was important to my Fiance and family before having children, so I’m going ahead and planning a wedding that they’ll be happy with.
I feel like a TOTAL BRAT and am basically just having a major pity party for myself. I know I’m being ugly, and it isn’t that I’m not excited about all of the kids, because I *definitely* am! No one loves children more than me! I guess I’m just feeling a little neglected, stressed, eclipsed, and don’t even have a way to talk about my feelings without coming across as a hideous, jealous zilla. I hope that’s not what I’m being, because I’m still just so honored that these girls will be standing beside me at our wedding – there’s no one I’d rather have with me. But as happy as I am, I can’t say that it also doesn’t sting a little.
So, hive, am I being terrible? Is this a reasonable way to feel? Do I need to just suck it up and move forward? Could these awful feelings just be a result of stress?