Pregnant, contemplating leaving my (emotionally abusive) husband.

posted 12 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
9606 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

Leave.

I know a girl whose husband is emotionally/verbally abusive towards her.. it got much worse after they had their first kid.  To the point she started regularly going to a domestic violence group and with their help almost left him.. and so he promised it’d get better and it did for a little bit and she got knocked up with number two and now its worse than ever, and she feels more trapped than ever.  He’s had over a decade, at this point, to trap her financially, to isolate her (I BARELY know her and I know all this because she has NO friends to confide in, it all came spilling out the second time I ever met her; the first time I was with her alone; because she hadn’t been alone with an adult for years at that point, by his design) and to condition her to accepting his abuse.

Leave, for your baby’s sake.  They deserve a mother who is not miserable, a father who is not verbally and at times physically abusive.  They deserve a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like.  It’ll be so much easier to get out now than when the baby is born and you’re exhausted and sleep deprived.  Plus, many moms find motherhood very socially isolating, which makes getting out that much harder, too.

Post # 3
Member
9729 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Leave for your baby. Do you want him to treat your child like that? Smack things out of their hands to get their attention?

Post # 4
Member
9615 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Absolutely leave. You don’t deserve this, no one does. Leave for yourself and your baby. Let yourself be happy.

ETA: Please be safe in how you leave. Emotional/verbal abuse can turn physical. I would not tell him you are leaving when you are alone and consult a lawyer before doing anything.

Post # 5
Member
8815 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

anonymouslybee :  Smacking a glass out of your hand is physical abuse. So “it’s never happened again” isn’t true anymore. You need to leave. It only gets worse, and now it’s not just yourself, you need to protect your child from his abuse.

Post # 6
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Hi Bee,

If you are ready to leave, and feel like it is safe for you to leave, then you should go with your instinct. Ultimately, you know him and your situation best. If you are preparing to leave, it is important to safety plan. As someone already alluded to, leaving is the most dangerous time and abuse can escalate. It’s really a good idea not to let him know what you are planning, and to leave at a time when he won’t immediately notice (leaving when he is at work, going to work/the store and then never comign back, etc). If you are able, it can help to pack some of the essentials (important documents, medicines, phone and charger, money, clothes, and important personal items that cannot be replaced) and keep it in a hidden but easily accessible place. Do you have someone safe you could go to stay with?

If you think it would help, I would encourage you to reach out to your local domestic violence shelter. They will be able to offer support, help you think through your options and safety planning, and connect you to any resources you may need (legal, housing, etc.).

Good luck bee! You are very brave for doing this, and I am so glad you are reaching out for support.

Post # 7
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

I truly hope you are strong enough to leave this abuser. A very close friend was in an almost identical situation to yours. Her boyfriend hit her while she was pregnant with their first so she tried to call the police. He took her phone and smashed it so he could call them himself and tell them that SHE was abusing HIM. 

She wishes that she had had the courage to leave then because it’s now 7 years and two more kids later and she is living hell on earth. He has not been physical again but he is emotionally abusive, a gaslighter, and he is inches away from driving them in to bankruptcy. 

She won’t leave because her kids won’t have an advocate or a protector during his time alone with them and he is an incompetent parent. 

So yeah. Leave while you can or this is your future. 

Post # 8
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

*Hugs* I get completely where you are coming from. I became pregnant from my birth control failing. When the positive sign came up on the pregnancy test, I busted out crying. I felt caged and trapped and alone and scared. I was numb during the whole pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, I love my child more than anything in this world. 

It is so much easier telling someone else to leave. But start trying to make arrangements now. You will feel such a weight off your shoulders once you get out of this toxic relationship. Do you have family you can stay with? If he is anything like my ex, he really will not put too much of an effort into being a parent anyway. It sounds terrible, but it is probably a good thing. 

I am really so sorry that you have to go through this. If you ever need to talk, message me. 

Post # 9
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

He gaslights you, calls you names, etc these are all reasons to leave him and he says sorry but goes right back to doing it & will continue to do it again & again – until you get as far away as possible from this emotional abuser.

Please get out for you & your baby’s sake. Bc it will continue to escalate & get alot worse & trust me you don’t want that so RUN while you still can – abusers do not change….leave as soon as possible! 

Post # 10
Member
3062 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

You know the answer; Leave. It’s a terrible relationship and not healthy nor safe for you or your child.

What you need to be asking is not what to do but why you can’t do it. 

If nothing else, I suggest you seek out counseling or a support group for yourself so you can gain the courage to leave. 

Please also be careful leaving. If you plan it while he is there, make sure to have family or the police oversee it. 

Lastly, you said he promised not to put his hands on you again and he never had since..but, he has. Slapping things out of your hands is putting his hands on you.

Post # 11
Member
3062 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Domestic violence hotline:

+18007997233

Post # 12
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

I’m in tears reading this, this was exactly what happened to my mom and without going into too much detail, the abuse happened to me too as I was ‘in the way’ when he screamed at her so often I was (as a baby, toddler and child) slammed into doors and worse.

Please leave, I understand if you don’t have the strength completely for yourself but please think of your unborn kid. Literally any way of getting out, take your stuff and go, hell go ANYWHERE. I understand finances and bills and changing over ownership and divorces, but fuck it, deal with that later and go now! It WILL get worse and you’ll become so broken that you won’t register that the screaming is bad anymore.

I would also recommend looking into a restraining order if it escalates as it can help make you feel a bit safer if things turn more abusive.

Post # 13
Member
10584 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

anonymouslybee :  

Is this what you want your precious child to think is normal? This is what a loving relationship looks like? So your child can go out in the world and recreate what you have?  

That is precisely what will happen. Even infants in utero know when the parents are fighting.  It causes stress that can disrupt normal development.

This is not about you anymore.  You have a responsibility to protect your innocent baby.  You don’t have the luxury of fence sitting anymore.

You were not an ‘idiot’. Abusers are exceptionally talented at manipulation.  Plenty of very smart, savvy women have been sucked in.

And a warning. It is very common for abusers to escalate when the partner becomes pregnant. There are a couple of things going on. He will resent being knocked off of center stage in favor of the new baby, who will take up what he considers an inordinate amount of your time and attention.

Pregnancy is also a time during which you are most vulnerable and dependent on your abuser.  He will exploit the hell out of that. He’s really confident now that he’s got you locked down. He no longer has to keep up even a pretense of being a decent human.

This guy has me especially concerned.  He has so little impulse control that he got physical with you while you were still dating. Most of the time, abusers seduce their victims into some type of commitment before letting the mask slip.

Bee, leaving is your only option. Start accepting that. Your energy and motivation are low because you have been so beaten down. Find it in yourself to protect your baby and remove the child from the abuser’s control.  Or, wait until CPS shows up and does it for you.

Post # 15
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

anonymouslybee :  Regarding your Father-In-Law, how do you know he really changed? You say no one knows what goes on in your own relationship because you never talk about it and you guys look like the “perfect couple.” How do you know it’s not the same with your in laws?

In any case, it doesn’t matter. Your husband is abusive, both physically and emotionally. It’s not worth gambling on the “maybe” that he will suddenly have a personality change once your baby is born. 

In terms of finding a safe time to leave, could your parents help you with that? Step 1 is confiding in them about what’s going on. If they are good parents, which it sounds like they are, I’d think they would drop everything to help you through this impossible time.

Also, I don’t know much about the legality of this type of thing but I’d be keeping a detailed record of all the threatening things your husband says, like “I’ll make sure you never keep the kids from me.” Save screenshots of anything in writing, record verbal threats, etc. I have to imagine that will help your case when it comes to custody.

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