Post # 1
Advice please! So my mom doesn’t like women that are darker than her and she makes this very clear. Recently I invited her to church with me and one of my (darker complexioned) friends went to shake her hand and she turned and walked away. Just this week she met my Maid of honor and immediately said to her ” I accept you as my daughter, some of the other ones I don’t like” while pointing out that they are both light skinned. The following day we went dress shopping for her where a lady mentioned to her how pink would compliment her complexion. Why did this conversation have to come up! This turned into a discussion of how “everyone can’t have it like her and they are jealous”. The big problem now is with my best friend who is the Matron of Honor , who is darker and on the heavy side. My mom constantly disrespects and talks bad about her from her weight to her looks. Her excuse is that ” I just don’t like her” all though it’s evident why. This friend has been there for me when I was in the hospital, taught me how to drive the list goes on. I want all of my bridal party to be treated with dignity and respect while making this a joyous occassion. However my mom is screaming “she needs to respect me” to which this friend has never done ANYTHING to my mom. My mom’s prejudice even extends to her own sister who has banned her from ever coming to her house. Basically if you don’t look a certain way she doesn’t like you. She has went as far as to make fun of my looks, which caused self esteem issues with me for a longtime. Due to this hate I prefer that my bridal party be the only ones assisting me getting ready the day of the wedding but my mom is already screaming ” I’m the mother, you need to respect me, I’m supposed to be there”. My sister ( who has a disability) is also a bridesmaid which I am concerned that my mom will remove her from the party just to be spiteful. The other issue is that we are already at capacity with our guest list but my mom insist on bringing her friends that are not near and dear to us. She only wishes to bring them to show off. Again she’s yelling “I’m the mother, my mom had her friends at my wedding ( which was small and in a backyard without capacity regulations), your going to respect me and I’m telling Tony (my fiance). One of the guest she insist on bringing is a guy she has been in an adulterous relationship with for over 20 years. People that know him will be there and I don’t think it’s fair that she wants to showcase this and act like they are married and walking down the aisle at my wedding. Long post I know but this is the stress of my life right now. HELPPPPPP!!!!!!!!
Post # 3
audre : going to have to agree with the PP. I get she is your mother and you love her despite her bigotry, but at the same time, welcoming her into your wedding day merely because she is your mother sorta kinda means you are turning a blind eye to her behavior. I would never allow my mother or anyone for that matter to disrespect or behave rudely towards someone else because of skin color, shade, etc. It’s not right. If it were me I’d tell her this behavior is not acceptable and unless I noticed meaningful change prior to the wedding, I wouldnt let her come. Mom or not. Hell she has made comments about you – her own daughter- yet you are still trying to invite her? WTF. COME ON BEE.
I hate when people clearly know their loved ones have issues yet feel guilted into including them for the sake of “we’re family”. Im being blunt here, but fuck that. Screw the guests she wants to invite, and start standing up for your friends who have done nothing wrong (I cant tell by the post if you stood up or not, you state u recognize her behavior was out of line but u dont say you actually did anything in front of your mom and friend to shut it down unless I overlooked it). Your mom is an ass, plain and simple. Time for you to really call her out on it and draw the line.
Post # 4
Your mom is forcing you to choose between everyone else and her. She is forcing you to choose between respect and dignity and her.
This is her mistake, these are her stakes. You didn’t create this game. She did.
Post # 5
Is your mom contributing money for the wedding? If she is, give it back. If she isn’t, great. Now, you really need to stand your ground and protect your sister, your friends, and your plans. I think you need to stop sharing wedding details with your mother. If she tries talking about the wedding, tell her the plans are coming along or just change the subject. I’d be debating whether I even want her AT the wedding and how much she needs to be around at all, but for sure you don’t need to be engaging in conversations with her about your plans.
This is so sad. I wouldn’t bring her around friends anymore. And when she says offensive things, leave, hang up, shut her down. Don’t allow her to continue with the insults. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
Post # 6
fleurbee : No, she is not contributing at all. Well aside from her chaos and confusion that she contributes.
Post # 7
Stop including her and don’t invite her.
Do you even like her?
Not love her as in “she raised me and she’s my mom” – do you like her? If you met her on the street and she started up a conversation with you, would you converse with her and give her your number?
When the only common denominator in this dysfunction is one person, it’s time to remove that person. Remove the dysfunctional broken link that is weakening your chain. And if she asks why, then give her the cold, hard truth. I don’t respect bigots and have no time in my schedule to pretend like their behavior is ok. I have better things to do with my time with people I actually respect.
Post # 8
I think you just need to have a firm conversation with her telling her she’s being disrespectful to your bridesmaids, who are best friends of your and who mean a lot to you, and that saying those things hurt you and if she isn’t able to change how she’s acting, she won’t be invited to anymore wedding activities.
Post # 9
I strongly urge you to disinvite her from the wedding period, out of basic respect for your friends and family that you love and are standing next to you on the big day. You’ve got some great friends and an awesome sister, and after her treatment of them they’ll likely be very uncomfortable around her. Not to mention the comfort of your FI and his family- they’ll pick up on racist behavior. If she weren’t so awful to you I’d say that you should tell her that her horrific behavior is unacceptable and give her a chance, but it doesn’t sound like she’ll respect your wishes and her presence could be something you greatly regret.
Post # 10
How unfortunate that your mother is an ignorant asshole. She should keep herself at home on the day of your wedding.
If you’re not willing to remove her from your wedding day you should definitely tell her to keep her mouth shut and her hateful opinions to herself. You also need to apologize to your friend(s) for your mother’s behavior. If my friend’s prejudiced mother was unnecessarily rude to me for no reason and that friend didn’t say anything to me about it (or to her mother in front of me) I would eliminate that relationship from my life.
Post # 11
If you are old enough to be married, you are old enough to :
Look her squarely in the eye and tell her these words of hers will not be tolerated from here on in. There will be no argument, no discussion. She will cease the bigoted talk or else:
She will not be included in pre-wedding activities. And if she steps outside your guidelines at the wedding, she will be escorted out.
I am so glad, my mom, despite her faults, was not a bigot.
Post # 12
Tell her to stop saying prejudice crap. If she doesn’t stop her nonsense, disinvite her. She sounds like a piece of work!! No one needs that kind of negativity at a wedding!
Post # 13
It sounds like she has tons of other issues other than just being prejudice. She just sounds like a dreadful person in general. You need to put your foot down and stop letting her ruin this experience for you. All she adds is negativity. Perhaps you can minimize her role and stop accommodating her? Tell her that you won’t tolerate her behavior. If she cannot get her act together, she shouldn’t come. “Mom, I love you but your actions are making this joyful experience difficult. Get it together or don’t come. I want you to come but I’m not doing THIS anymore”.