(Closed) Premarital Sex

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: Is/was premarital sex a requirement for you to get married?

    Yes

    Just a preference

    I could go either way

    My preference is to wait

    I require that we wait

    I require that FI is a virgin on our wedding day

    I require that FI have experience with other people

    I prefer that FI have experience with other people

    I prefer that FI is a virgin on our wedding day

  • Post # 107
    Member
    283 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

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    @Rachel631:  Nono you misunderstand, religion has no place in the rational world. I eagerly will accept other worldviews that are based in logic and rationality!

    Post # 108
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @VictoriaK1990:  Ah, I see…. a Dawkinsian.

    I have given up arguing with Dawkinsians. I find them as offensive as any other type of extremist. I don’t mix with anyone who insults, undermines, and forces their beliefs onto others. This includes hardline religious groups as well.

    EDIT: Also, in your original (pre-edited) post, did you really say that educated people are not religious!?! Aside from the hundreds of years of fantastic scientific findings of the past which were made by religious people, and continue to be made by them (in physics, evolutionary biology, molecular genetics… everything), you do realise you are talking to a bee who previously considered being a missionary (and didn’t become one… for all the right reasons!), and is currently finishing a PhD in one of the top universities in the world (following in the footsteps of my Father, who has a PhD in electrical and mechanical engineering, and considered becoming a pastor at one stage. Behind him stand generations of highly educated, very religious ancestors. One of the main tenets of Methodism, at least in Europe, was to promote egalitarianism, socialism, and free education for all.

    Ugh… and now I’ve started arguing, and I said I wouldn’t! Bad Rachel…

    Post # 109
    Member
    2867 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

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    @VictoriaK1990:  Come on, Brielle and I are close in age and we don’t see eye to eye on this one but there is no need to attack very real religious values (not just adhering to them because her parents would kill her if they found out). She doesn’t attack other women on this board for not being virgins.

    There is a big difference between staying a virgin for religious values and staying a virgin for control issues over the guy (I have seen some of this lately)

    Post # 110
    Member
    4753 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I understand the “one and only” desire. But I also think that sex is one of THE most fought about issues in relationships and one of the top 2 reasons cited in breakups. Therefore the need to text this chemistry far outweighs the simple desire to be/ have a “one and only”.

    Post # 111
    Member
    637 posts
    Busy bee

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    @Brielle:  There is a certain level of sex positivity that I find necesarry to connect with a partner. Some people have asking for what they need in the bedroom and a lot of marriages falter because of that. Also, I have a rather high sex drive and I would be supremely unhappy if I was with a guy that was happy with once a month. There is only so much love and communication can do to change that. 

    Post # 112
    Member
    442 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

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    @Brielle:  I will not be a virgin when I marry, and I’ve had other partners before Fiance. The way I see it, what happened in the past is irrelevant now, and I never really think about my past partners. It feels like another lifetime now, and I’m simply not that person anymore. However, I could never say that having pre-marital sex was “wrong”, or that I regret it. My past experiences contributed to who I am today; someone who is 100 % ready for marriage and the commitment to faithfulness and fidelity. I will never look at other men and wonder if I’ve missed out. I’ll never wonder what else is out there. Every step I took led me to the man I was meant to marry, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is the best possible match for me, both emotionally, spiritually and physically.

     

    One thing I see a lot among virgin brides on this board, is that they list a fear of being compared sexually to other women (and not measure up) as part of the reason for wanting to wait. As a virgin bride who married a divorced father, has it ever bothered you that your husband had a sex life with another woman for a long time? Did you ever worry about being compared to the ex-wife? Have you ever felt worried that the ex-wife was more “skilled” than you in that department? And does it ever feel weird for you to see the ex-wife, knowing that she shared her bed and her body with your husband?

    Sorry for all the questions, I’m just very curious 🙂

    Post # 113
    Member
    637 posts
    Busy bee

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    @adayoruba:  Really? Do you talk about what kinks you’re going to explore? Whether you guys feel comfortable even bringing that up? How do you know if you have the same drive?

    Post # 114
    Member
    2867 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

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    @princesslettuce14:  I agree. I see a lot of women on these boards who wait until marriage and end up with husbands with “issues” and not that much interest in resolving them (or sometimes not seeing the problem).

    Post # 115
    Member
    1621 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Hubs and I did have premarital sex and that was important for me.  

    My first engagement was with my highschool sweetheart and we were together for 10+ years.  We were dating for several years before having sex and we were both virgins.  I adored him in every (other) way, and he did me, but we just were not sexually compatible at all.  After many (many) years of trying to build our physical intimacy, I finally gave up when he made it clear to me that he was unwilling to change and was, in fact, satisfied with a predominantly sexless relationship. (no pun intended).  This was unacceptable to me in a life partner (ie. to be completely unwilling to work on meeting both of our needs and relegating my needs to oblivion), and so I ended our engagement.  It was devastating for both of us, but I feel that it was the right choice.

    I’ve only had 2 sex partners in my life and sex is sacred *to me* in the sense that I’m just not cut out for casual sex or emotionally-uninvolved sex…..but after leaving my ex-FI, “test driving” our sex life after falling in love but before making a lifelong commitment was imperitive to me with espect to my current husband.

    Post # 116
    Member
    5217 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Having sex before you’re married doesn’t guarantee a fantastic sex life, just like not having sex before you’re married doesn’t guarantee that you’ll have a horrible sex life. The biggest component is finding someone who is willing to roll with the punches with you, no matter what life throws at you. Bad sexual interactions can be overcome if both parties are willing to work at it. Trust me, DH and I both brought some experience to the table and it isn’t always magical unicorns everytime we are intimate– virgins or not– sometimes even the most compatible of folks hit a kink!

    People change and their sex drives/desires/fantasies change, so it would be short sighted of me to think that just because I had tested ” the goods”, that those goods were guaranteed to bring me endless amounts of pleasure for the next 50 years. It is all about communicating, and if I was dating a man who clicked on all cylinders in every other aspect– but wanted to wait for whatever reason, I would be OK with that.

    DH and I were not virigins when we met, and I don’t regret anything– but life is too short to throw myself into a narrow box of what I would/wouldn’t do if I had to ever enter the dating world again. 

    Post # 117
    Member
    283 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

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    @Rachel631:  I did suggest that, however I didn’t want to get into that argument. Let me rephrase, historically many scientists have been religious for fear of excommunication/backlash from the church. In the modern day, a small number of educated people enjoy the comfort of a personal God. Logically however, religion has no basis in reality. Intelligent Design Theory is not a valid argument, as are other pseudo-scientific panderings for the meld between religion and science. Degrees are not impressive my friend – I know some absolute idiots with PhD’s. It takes literacy and time committment to get a degree, something which is accessible to many in the modern era. Don’t lord your official educated status as a sort of argument about the ability for religion and academia to coexist. They don’t. 

    For the record, I am highly educated as well. This does not mean I throw out my degrees as a sort of proof for my arguments. 

    Post # 118
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @VictoriaK1990:  When did I say intelligent design was logical? Most of the world’s Christians are Catholic for starters.. and Catholics do not believe in intelligent design. This is a very American argument, based on a very narrow view of post 1850s charismatic Christianity and the way it has intersected with US political life.

    And, for the record, I’m not “lord[ing my]… official educated status as a sort of argument about the ability for religion and academia to coexist” or throwing “out my degrees as a sort of proof for my arguments”. I’m responding to your original statement that educated people are not religious by attempting to prove that it is blatantly false. Having a PhD doesn’t mean I have a high IQ… but it does mean that I am educated.

    I work with people from all over the world with a variety of religious faiths. I can say with complete honesty that education usually breeds tolerance and respect, and is a universal good… but that it does not necessarily breed atheism.

    Post # 119
    Member
    984 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I’d prefer to wait, but it’s not a requirement.

    My reasoning is that no matter how careful you are, there’s always that tiny chance that you could end up pregnant. And for me, I would never choose to have a kid with someone I wasn’t at least engaged to. If it ended up that way I could maybe make peace with it, but it’s certainly not a situation I’d choose to be in. Maybe it’s weird to some people, but I’m kind of traditional that way.

    Post # 120
    Member
    348 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

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    @Brielle:  Not me, but it happened to one of my closest friends. She got engaged to a guy & they hadn’t had sex prior to the engagement though both had been sexually active in the past. He seemed like a really great guy & in a lot of ways he was, but once they decided to have sex, it brought to light a ton of really odd habits & dysfunctions. 

    It wasn’t just these things that doomed their relationship, but his refusal & inability to work through them/get over them/talk about them with her.  They ended the engagement soon thereafter.

    My friend admits to dodging a huge bullet with this relationship.  She “doesn’t believe in divorce” so had they actually gone through with it, she would be in a pretty miserable marriage right now.

    The topic ‘Premarital Sex’ is closed to new replies.

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