(Closed) Prenup? I'm feeling the blues.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 168
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee

@mlk1980:  I would never accept those terms as it is not fair but very one sided

ETA: read your update woohoo for you! Stick to your guns. If his family can influence him so much now imagine after you get married. Hopefully he makes the right decision and learns to think for himself

Post # 169
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m so sorry. You waited ten years and now your heart is broken. I think you did the right thing. He simply sounds too selfish to get married. He is not considering you or your future children. My heart hurts for you.

Post # 170
Hostess
4996 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@mlk1980:  Yikes! Good for you for sticking to your guns. I don’t think you’re asking anything unreasonable. His family does not need to be involved in your finances. Best of luck. 

Post # 171
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

@mlk1980:  Good for you! Definately does not protect you in regards to time off work for pregnancy, childcare etc. Plus I cant imagine marrying someone who wouldnt do absolutely everything to ensure if something happened to him I was looked after. It’s just about protecting the one you love

Post # 172
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Well FH and I have spoken about pre-nups, we don’t think we’ll be getting one, but its still an option, my best advice would be:

1. Get YOUR OWN lawyer,  DO NOT let HIS SISTER do it all, not only does she have a BIAS but you’re going to LOSE out and you won’t be able to negotiate anything.  So please, get your own lawyer!

2. Talk it out, ask him if this is an ultimatum because this isn’t what you wanted.  Communication is key.  Honestly, I wouldn’t see the point of marriage on those terms, I would just remain an unmarried couple because the way its been put is that you have essentially no rights, what if you were to have his children?  Would his family run their trust?  Voice out your concerns, chances are he will try to persuade you but stay firm in that if there is a pre-nup the conditions will be that the only parts that stay seperate are what you have acquires pre-marriage and if he dies you get (say) 75%.  That would be reasonable.

So sorry you feel this way, I understand why you’d feel hurt, hope things get sorted out 🙂 .

 

Post # 173
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Sorry I just read your other posts.   So sad but I think you are making the right decision, he hasn’t respected your wishes in anything and ambushed you in a prenup that clearly goes against what you agreed to in getting a prenup… that is just wrong!

On the other hand, at least you now know his true colours when it comes to money, he might me a great guy but this behaviour shows he values his assests more than being an equal and loving partner.

Post # 174
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

In response to your second to last update –> Post nups exist. He is lying – walk away.

Post # 175
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Wow that is unbelievably sad. You are two months away from getting married and should be thinking about fun things like bridal showers, bachelorette parties and finalizing the details of your wedding. Now invitations are out and I’m sure most deposits/payments have been made.

 

I think that your fiancée had 10 years to bring up the subject, and if he really thought it was necessary should have broached the subject years ago. With two months to go he is essentially backing you into a corner. He’s told all his family and friends about this and does not care about your feelings at all. It’s heartbreaking but at least you know now. Hes not only read the pre-nup,he’s dictated the terms. 

 

Do not marry this man. You are young, smart and have a lot to offer. Someone smarter than him will recognize this in a heartbeat. It’s scary starting over in your 30s, but not impossible.  I did it myself. I wish you all the very best.

 

Post # 176
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m so sorry, OP. You don’t deserve to be treated like this, especially not 2 months before the wedding, and after such a long relationship. 

He may make more money than you but the reason for the assumption of the 50-50 division of assets acquired during a marriage is that when one person brings in less money they usually contribute a lot more in other ways (looking after children, doing more house work etc.). What he’s suggesting isn’t fair. Oh, and btw, he wouldn’t be left with nothing if you split your assets 50-50 – he would be left with 50%! I would hardly call that nothing. 

And don’t fall for that “if you don’t plan on divorcing me anyway none of this matters” trick. There’s so much more than divorce at stake here. The death clause, the division of assets while you’re married? Both ridiculous, both unconnected with divorce. I agree with a PP, what if you become ill and are unable to work? You won’t bring in any money, that could very well mean you’ll be married and literally starving if his family decides you’re pretending to be ill so you can mooch off of him and forbids him from giving you any food! Yes, I know this is extreme, but I wanted to give you an example as he seems to be very much under the influence of his family. Besides, it’s knife that cuts both ways! What if he becomes ill and cannot work anymore? If you divide your assets 50-50, that means whatever you make is his too. When you don’t, you could very well decide you don’t need to support him. You don’t sound like the kind of person who would do that but that is what you could do, under such provisions. I don’t know about US laws though, where I come from, it’s a spouse’s duty to support the other spouse who, without any fault of their own, cannot support themselves. 

I’m a lawyer too and I have two brothers so I can, to a degree, understand his sister for trying to protect your Fiance (but what she’s doing defies all logic). I don’t, however, understand him for NOT trying to protect YOU! I’m sorry but I have to say this: this does not look good to me at all. Even if you marry him, I seriously doubt you’ll be happy with such a person. It looks like his family has taught him to look at everything through the money loupe. In my experience, only extremly emotionally starved people have such a way of looking at the world. 

I’ve seen such things go to such extremes as “you’re not allowed to sit on my sofa, I bought it” and “you’re not allowed to eat this cheese, it’s mine because I bought it”. I’m not saying it would come to that in your case but once a relationship becomes all about who owns what, things can get absurdly out of hand very quickly. 

Please, please, please, do yourself a giant favour and don’t sign anything. Your FI’s family, and sadly, your Fiance too, are trying to bully you into signing something that will hurt you. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be married to someone who doesn’t care if he hurts me as long as he gets to keep his money. That’s not love. 

 

Post # 177
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mlk1980:  I am so so sorry. 

Post # 178
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mlk1980:  I’m so sorry but you did the right thing. I probably come from a similar world as you and your Fiance and I have friends who make the same amount if not more than what both of you do (man that makes me feel so poor, haha) but I’ve never heard of any of them making such crazy arrangements. Either that or I don’t actually hear about it.

 

In addition, his attitude that everything he is today is due to the sacrifices his family made? I call BS!!! Sure, he was born into a well off family, but most likely, he’s just damn lucky he wasn’t born into a war torn country, somehow made it to the right school, with no great tragedies and health calamities happening to him. He is just damn lucky but he won’t always stay that way especially when so many others in this country struggle to make even 1% of what he earns. I see people like that a lot. They’re freaking self entitled and it makes me sick to hang around them. They don’t know what it means to eat humble pie. 

 

I’m glad you make this big step to stand up for yourself. You deserve far, far more than this. Shame on him for not bringing finances up any sooner.  You are extremely, EXTREMELY well off and you are so smart for bringing up your situation here. Stay strong in this time. Know what you’re worth and fight for it – and what you are worth isn’t your money. It’s who you are as a person.

Post # 179
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@becca83:  +1

I wouldn’t be signing anything if I didn’t feel like my Fiance had MY best interests at heart.

 

I think it’s great he wants to take care of his family- but doesn’t he consider YOU his family, OP?  Isn’t that what marriage is about?

 

Have you asked him this?

 

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@mlk1980:  

Post # 180
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@mlk1980:  Wow! This sucks! I can’t believe he is letting his family get into his head!

And why are his FRIENDS getting involved too? They shouldn’t be txting you and calling you greedy.  Seems like this is getting waaaay out of hand. Stand your ground and good luck girly!

Post # 181
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee

@MsMeow:  “And don’t fall for that “if you don’t plan on divorcing me anyway none of this matters” trick.”

This line just resonates with me.  Why?  Because, OP, if HE decides to divorce YOU, YOU are left with nothing.  DH’s sister just went through this.  She has a degree in mechanical engineering.  Her ex-h was working on his Ph.D in mechanical engineering when they got married.  They became self-made millionaires when he started a business and she quit working less than 2 years into the marriage to take care of the kids and home.  He even made her take a corporate wives class – I am not kidding!

About a year and a half ago she received some papers in the mail, sent anonymously.  They were real estate papers for the house he was buying for his mistress.

Ask your Fiance what happens to you if HE decides HE wants a divorce.  He is putting this all on you and that speaks volumes.

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