(Closed) Prenup? I'm feeling the blues.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 197
Member
1569 posts
Bumble bee

@Kimberley25:  the prenup makes it official and legal. With both of them owning medical practices, having employees and being liable for any possible malpractice or other issues, it is not that terrible of an idea. Let’s say one of them is sued and has to pay a chunknof money that leaves him or her in the verge of financial ruin. Because by having a prenup they can’t touch the other spouse’s money, they would have something to get on their feet again. But sadly, I have a feeling this is not where he is coming from. The whole in case of death really tells a lot about his priorities. It is possible that his sister wrote that and let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, but maybe he hasn’t really thought about the fact that he’d basically be leaving her AND kids if they have any without anything!!!

I would have a heart to heart with him. Explain that I am in for his parents keeping their house, but I am not ok with being left excluded of his will. To me, that would speak very clear of where his priorities are. Is he ready to marry? I am not sure he understands the concept of forming a new family with you! 

Would I marry him with the prenup? Yes. Would I marry him with it as it is? NO

Post # 198
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

I know you have a big decision to make and I know you are emotional right now, but I would postone the wedding until you both figure out what you want together and you can see that he is actually working for you and not going to allow himself to be manipulated by his family. I would consider pre-marital counseling.  This sort of situation and drama, followed by appologies and backpeddling is not something that should be going on right before the wedding.  Tell him that you two need more time to get on the same page. Don’t rush your decision

 

And I know you don’t want to stress your parents out, but I would consider talking to them about what is happening. But only you know your parents so only you can really make that decision. I know my parents would want to know what was going on.

Post # 199
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mlk1980:  I think it’s encouraging he is changing his mind, but the BIGGER issue is him not being able to stand up for you against his family.

 

I was on the other side actually. I had a hard time standing up for my fiance against my parents (who didn’t like him because he wasn’t Asian and I come from a very traditional Asian family). I had to show him that I was committed to cutting the apron strings and starting to see us as a unit.

 

You need more proof – more so than just the prenup – that he is committed to seeing you two as the PRIMARY unit and family in his life. YOU are now the more important family than his family. That is really the correct way to see things, otherwise you will play second fiddle to his family’s opinions all your life. He needs to make it in a very public way to his family that he will put you first. For me, it was leaving a trip my parents planned for me and Fiance and us going on our own, and I also stopped talking to my parents for months leading up to the wedding.

 

I agree with everyone else that you probably need more time before you can make a fully informed decision. The fact that this money issue hasn’t come up in 10 years of being together is very troubling. And again, I’m not going to make assumptions, but if something this big hasn’t been discussed, I also wonder what else hasn’t been discussed.

Post # 200
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@mlk1980:  I wouldn’t just walk away at this point.  It sucks it went down like it did, but he clearly cares about you and your relationship if he’s changing his mind.  If he let you walk- that’s obviously another story.  He doesn’t want to lose you- unfortunatley men need a little help seeing clearly sometimes :/

Post # 201
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@mlk1980:  My thing is that he needs to realize that if he dies and you have kids… you won’t have much to support them with if he leaves you nothing but what you brought. They will be BOTH of your kids, so he should still support them, even after he is gone. That money shouldn’t go to his siblings… it should go to his children and you to support them.

Post # 202
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

@MrsEME:  I wouldn’t say men need help seeing clearly. That is just excusing their behavior based on gender and not giving good men the credit they deserve. Sometimes certain people need help seeing clearly, but I wouldn’t say all men or that this is one of these situations. He didn’t even think or care about how any of this affected her. That being said, I still believe that she should take some time before making any decision.

 

 

Post # 203
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@mlk1980:  Good for you for standing your ground, and he is finallay coming to his senses, at least a little bit. Good luck, and let us know your decision. I’ll keep you in my prayers!

Post # 204
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@mlk1980:  I think your judgement not to sign the prenup is the correct choice. It’s causing more drama than it’s worth. You gave him the opportunity for a fair prenup agreement and he refused. Unless he wants to revisit going to an independent lawyer (not his sister) with you, then you should sign nothing.

I do think that if you love him, and think he will be a good husband, you should marry him…but maybe see about counseling first?

The only thing I’d be truly wary of is if you think he could try to pull an “I’m not marrying you unless you sign it” immediately before the wedding (think all of your guests are in town already) to pressure you.

Post # 205
Hostess
4996 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

It’s good that he is compromising on the pre-nup but what does that mean for his family? He needs to make a committment to put you first and stop being his family’s puppet. I would suggest going to couple’s counseling to talk over boundaries. 

Post # 207
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mlk1980:  10 years is a long time to put up with such a family’s behavior, you certainly have more patience than I do. HOWEVER, 10 years is also a long time for your Fiance to have changed his family’s minds or at least stand up for you more. It really depends on how close you expect to have to interact with this family in the future and whether this family holds additional strings on your FI’s heart. I cut my parents out of my life for bit because I could – I was financially independent and as long as I had the love of my life, Fiance, I didn’t need their emotional crap. Can your Fiance do the same? Remember, you ARE marrying into this family. I think this is a question that you and you alone must answer for yourself – are you and your Fiance ready for this for the rest of your life? that is a very, very long time.

Post # 208
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2022

@stephee:  +100

Op, glad things worked out! After reading your responses, I would advise you to have a serious talk with him and then take it form there… he obviously cares about you since he changed his mind, wants to marry you, and has been with you so long. I think he was just under pressure from the fam. I’m in no way excusing his mama-boy ways, and think you should definitely have a sit-down. Personnally, I would only walk if he didn’t change his mind, and if I thought it came from him and not his family. I would also really try and see if the man has the same idea of marriage and having to support one’s spouse in case of death, as me… good luck OP, please update us!

Post # 209
Member
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hi, I just read through everything.

 

I think that now that he has come around and is willing to go 50/50 on assests acquired during that marriage/money is given to you in the case of death then I think that’s fair. I also think it’s fair for his $5,000,000 that he is coming into the marriage with to be his. Sometimes strange things happen, so I think it’s a good idea to protect yourselves, however, you should be getting equal protection from this agreement. I think 50/50 is good and I’m glad he’s agreed to this!

I don’t think you should walk away after 10 years together, obviously you deeply care about his. However, he needs to figure out how to stop being heavily influenced by his family and decide what the heck he wants. Also, sending/forwarding texts from his friends to you/discussing this with your friend (and making you sound terrible) in my opinion is extremely immature. I think you and him need to go for premartial counseling to work through some of these things (family issues, communcation issues). 

Post # 210
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@blueEyes90:  OK- I threw that term out there loosly and sort of laughing- more like if I was using it in conversation.  I’m not excusing thier behavior based on thier gender- and I certainly give men credit when they are deserved.  Sorry you read into that on a level I didn’t intend–

Post # 211
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

@mlk1980:  

First of all, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. How awful.

Now… about your dilemma. I’m pulling two quotes from your updates:

  • He called me greedy for wanting 50% of whatever we earned during the marriage,
  • He’s very generous and has a good heart.


These two statements are diametrically opposed to each other. 

Not wanting to share 50% of what is earned during the marriage doesn’t sound very generous or good-hearted to me. 

You said he apologized for being so angry “because he’s getting so much crap from both sides, me and his family”…. well, it sounds like when he was caught in the middle, he lashed out at you and engaged in name calling. You’re “greedy” for asking for half of what’s earned during the marriage? Really???

Even though you’ve won this round and gotten him to agree to your terms, frankly, I would back out and walk. This has red flags written all over it. 

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