(Closed) Prenup? I'm feeling the blues.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 212
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Sporty-Bee:  It still doesn’t make sense, if they are running their practices as corporate entities, then their personal assets don’t come into play.  Also, as doctors they are required to carry malpractice insurance.  Either way, it’s a lose-lose situation.

 

Post # 213
Member
1569 posts
Bumble bee

@Kimberley25:  you are right about the corporations. That’s if they choose to do it that way. Where I am from, many doctors choose to run DBA type instead of corporations for many practical reasons especially if it’s not a big practice. Three close friends are doctors with their own practices and because they are not big, they’ve chosen not to incorporate for now. As for insurance, well it certainly is a cushion. However, i don’t know in your country/state but I’ve seen cases where the amount of money the court decides to award to the affected party is a few hundred thouzand $ higher than the insurance would cover. In which case, they would still have to shed the $. 

I just find it incredibly sad and troubling that he is not worried about what would happen to HER if he is dead :-/ If it was me I would not marry him if that’s his way of planning for our future and taking care of his new family. Meaning not taking any measures at all to protect and care for me and any kids we’d have. 

Post # 214
Member
1569 posts
Bumble bee

@juanita.kelly.9:  +1. Beautifully said. If she really loves him and other than this issue would marry him in a heartbea, they should give it a try. If he is truly close to his family and loves them to pieces, it can be exhausting and heartbreaking to be in the middle of his two great loves. Family and Fiance. Not a nice feeling. Especially if he wants to try to please both parties. He will need to learn how to balance things and say NO to his family at times. And have them understand that his wife to be is a priority now and whether they like it or not, she is at the top of the list just like them. She will not be left out when making decisions and she will have the most important voice. Because they are his family, but SHE is his life partner from now on. She will be the one helping him, and also wheatering the storm at sucky times. It is an adaptation period for him that is no easy but he needs to make sure he sets his priorities clear. Otherwise they’ll be married and his family will be calling the shots on everything he does.

Post # 215
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@mlk1980:  I am so sorry you are in this position. The first thing I would do is postpone your wedding. Many vendors will allow you to apply your deposit to a new date, usually within a year. So first get the pressure of the wedding off your plate.

Then get into premartial counseling. I would be very wary of marrying a guy that:

1) can be swayed so easily by his family. Doesnt he know his own mind? Does that mean that there are other areas of his life that you can sway his mind too? My friend is going through a divorce right now (with 2 kids) because her DH suddenly realized that after 7 years together he wasnt making his own decisions and was just doing what she wanted. (Yeah, early mid-life crisis are not fun) How can you trust that his current position is what he really believes? When your marriage hits some bumps (and it will, all marriages do), will he throw this in your face?

2) how can YOU ever trust, fully 100% with all your heart, trust any man that was totally okay with leaving you nothing after his death? I just dont know if I could really trust my heart (and the heart and wellbeing of my future kids) to a guy that would be willing to do that. 

Once you have done that, then start the process with non-family lawyers to write up a prenup and set a new date. But until the damage and trauma from what has transpired has been dealt with on an emotional level, I dont think you should go forward.

Post # 216
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

@mlk1980:  I am going to recommend pre-marital counseling, which a lot of Bees have said already. The primary cause of divorce is financial differences/issues. And the way your Fiance has treated you through this, even though he ultimately acquiesced under the threat of not having you anymore, is appalling. He freaky needs to sort out the issues he has with his family and with money. Otherwise the same type of issues will keep coming up. I am so, so sorry that you are dealing with this.

 

Post # 217
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@mlk1980:  I’m confused – he has a “baby mama,” meaning, he has a child with another woman? Were they married and then divorced? Does he provide support for this child? This seems like information that, depending on your answers, might go far to explaining his weirdness about a pre-nup (not EXCUSE his weirdness, but at least explain it).

I will say that in your shoes, I’d have a hard time forgetting some of the accusations he hurled at me over my unhappiness at the proposed pre-nup. This episode would damage my trust in him severely. For that reason, I agree with others who urge you to get pre-marital counseling — and if necessary, postpone the wedding to give yourselves ample time to work through the issues this episode has raised.

 

Post # 218
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

get a lawyer, have them review and draft a counter prenup.

Post # 219
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@mlk1980:  i have read all your posts but not other bees replies…my husband and i got a prenup to protect my interests in a family business. If it makes you feel better to know half way into “negotitations” my now husband walked into my house and said he didnt know if he wanted to get married (he had a really really bad attorney which I think may be alot of your issue..since his sister can only see his side…not what may be reasonable)…that was the worst fight we have ever had (we rarely fight).  We got through it, signed the docuement and now rarely even talk about it because it is just there in case of a worst case scenario…just know that this is hopefully just a bump in the road and that the relationship you have can weather the storm.

if you want feel free to send me a pm for more info as to what our agreement looks like but just know that things can be changed over time.  our prenup sets the minmum that he will be entitled to and as we have been married for longer i will continue to increase by will what my husband will receive in the instance of my death (not too worried about divorce). In any case just know you can get through this!

Post # 220
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Think about if you really want to marry this guy. He doesn’t seem to have your best interest at heart. I think you can do a whole lot better. If you’re gonna marry him. Please get a good lawyer.

Post # 221
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@mlk1980:  I’m so sorry. I definitely think you guys should see a counsellor. He needs to find a better way to balance you and his family. I have seen people try his way and they end up switching between one side and other, constantly putting out fires and trying to keep everyone happy. Basically it doesn’t work.

Go see someone together and figure out why this money thing is an issue. The best example given to me was, if you become a sat at home mom raising the children and something happens does that mean you deserve nothing because you never worked at a company? Contributions to a family are not only monetary and he needs to realise that quickly

Post # 222
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Honestly it sounds like he cares more about his money than marrying you.  Personally I would never marry a guy who wants a pre-nup.  I would either talk to him about it and have it more fairly revised or seriously consider your wedding to him.  If you have been together for TEN years, there shouldn’t be any surprises in your marriage, so why would he even need one?

Post # 223
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I hope everything is turning out ok. Its only been 4 days since you posted this, but I hope everything has worked out in the end!

 

Post # 224
Member
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mlk1980:  Wow what an incredibly crappy situation to be in, I really can’t imagine.  I don’t think I could love a man that basically dosn’t want a partnership, esentially that’s what he is saying.  You were right in your eariler post, what is the point of marriage?

His family seems greedy and vile.

I’d wish I’d have the strenghs in your situatin to tell him, marry your money then, and leave the brat. It is easier said then done, of course.

It just dosn’t seem like this is a supportive relationship.  

Please let us know what you decide to do.

Post # 225
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@mlk1980:

Honestly to me it’s not the issue of the prenup but how he’s handling things.  He threw a huge fit to his friends and then tried to push you up against a wall.  Either he’s been faking it to you this whole time or he’s really has no back bone.

I suggest delaying the wedding for atleast a year or ending the relationship.  It wasn’t really fair of him to just put you in this situation without ever even mentioning it before.  Do you really want to going into a marriage that be full of things like this.  I’m sure they’ll also want to control how you both raise your child/children (if you have them) and if he’s such a push over he’ll want to do as they say.  He might always decide to do whatever his family says without ever talking to you about it before hand.

He just seems like a quarter being tossed in the air. He was complaining to his friends, listening to his family, getting upset at you for not signing it, and thinking your trying to use a tactic because you were taking a few days to just think.  The moment you tell him to walk out though he’s throwing in the towl.  He just seems like he’s putting on a show and maybe it’s for everyone else but it could be for you.

Post # 226
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Had a long message typed up since I just went through a prenup negotiation weeks before the wedding (9+ yrs together) and thought I could help.  Msg didn’t go through so now I’ll be as brief as I can.

 

1. Don’t take the death thing personally–that’s what the lawyers automatically do and it sucks. Once mine found out he was pissed and now I get 100% no matter what.  After we get married we will mess with the details of trusts for kids etc, but for now, it’s 100%.

2. Treat it as a contract.  I didnt do it this way and regret that.  It’s so hard as a female and/or the person with fewer assets, but honestly, this isn’t about love, your relationship etc.  This is a business contract, period.  Treat it no differently than negotiating the price for a home, a contractors terms etc.  

3. Get premarital counseling.  we had to wait until a lot of damage was done due to work schedules, but trust me, it helps.  We don’t talk about the prenup much in counseling, but we do talk about the emotions it brings up, where do they come from and how can we strengthen what we have.  IMO, counseling is helping us deal with a few small issues that the prenup is just exaggerating/magnifying,

4. If you have negotiated and haven’t made progress, get a mediator!!!!  We lawyered up (worst thing we did) and it only made both of us more determined on our individual viewpoint.  Pretty much lawyers are only interested in getting the best for their client, they don’t care about the damage to the relationship, if it’s fair or not etc.  Once we met with a mediator we made progress.  We met with him ourselves (no lawyers) and argued our sides, fears, bottom lines, etc and he helped us structure something fair for both.  There are parts Fiance doesn’t like and parts I don’t, but in the end, there is no way either one of us would walk away 100% happy.  I cannot stress enough how helpful a mediator is and if I could go back, I would have insisted on one from the start (it also would have saved $50k+).

5. Lastly, and this is hands down the hardest, but also the most important.  Everyday do something for your Fiance.  In our case we had a goal to do 5 things for our partner every day and we checked them off on a board on our fridge.  Having it be so obvious and shared, helped.  It also helps you remember why you’re together.

 

ok, so this ended up longer than I wanted but I hope it helps.  Prenups really suck but you will get through it.  You’ve been with you’re guy even longer than I’ve been with mine (ages!). Don’t let these fears, doubts, stresses etc get in the way of what you share.  if you have any questions or specifics, want to know more about my situation etc, feel free to MSG me.  I wish you the best and hope you are doing ok!  <hugs>

 

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