Prenups – Help me process my feelings

posted 7 months ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

OP, I was with you the whole way reading through this thread. The only way I have worked it in my mind to be ok with a prenup is that if you ever were to divorce or something catastrophic happens, it will be you vs. his family. Having a prenup that spells our your rights will protect you against the power of a wealthy family and their lawyers. Absolutely nothing to do with your guy.

Post # 48
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

BookishBee :  A vaccine is a preventative measure, pre-nups and insurance are not. 

Post # 49
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

wineosaur :  Pre-nups and insurance also aren’t identical. The idea behind pre-nups, insurance, and vaccines is the same: taking precautions to reduce negative consequences from an event that may or may not happen. The precautions are all about weighing the risk vs. the consequences.

Instead of focusing on the poster’s admittedly poor wording re. disease-specific insurance, it would be more helpful to focus on the actual point: you don’t take active precautions against things that are extremely unlikely. You get car insurance but not helicopter insurance. In the car, you wear a seatbelt but not a helmet.

Similarly, you don’t take precautions if the consequences aren’t that bad. I’m not going to buy a warranty on a $20 electronic device. People with limited assets typically don’t bother with a pre-nup, because they don’t have much that they need to protect.

Everyone is going to weigh the risk and consequences for themselves. It makes no sense to say that if you take precautions to protect yourself in one scenario, then you must take all possible precautions in all other scenarios.

Post # 50
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

BookishBee : 

“you don’t take active precautions against things that are extremely unlikely.”

Actually, a lot of people do.

 

“You get car insurance but not helicopter insurance.”

If you own a helicopter, you get helicopter insurance.

 

“It makes no sense to say that if you take precautions to protect yourself in one scenario, then you must take all possible precautions in all other scenarios.”

No one said that, from what I’ve read? We were simply pointing out that having a pre-nup does not mean one plans to get divorced, similar to how having car insurance coverage above the minimum requirement doesn’t mean you plan to get into a car accident.

Post # 51
Member
9093 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

BookishBee :  People with limited assets typically don’t bother with a pre-nup, because they don’t have much that they need to protect

exactly! you prove our point. people with significant family assets do want to protect them.

Post # 52
Member
9093 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

wineosaur :   BookishBee :  

and to add another example.  my financial advisor just advised me to add flood and earthquake insurance to my home owners policy.  i do not live in either kind of zone.  but his advice was put the risk on the insurance company.  it will only cost me a tiny bit more money, something very affordable.  say i go to sell my house and the inspector finds a crack in the foundation.  we have had a few minor earthquakes, rare, but it has happened.  so now the risk is not on me and i can sell my house.

speaking of home owners insurance.  i don’t plan for my house to get robbed, someone to injure themself in my home, my pipes to burst, etc, etc, etc.  but i have home owners.

and since this is a wedding board.  ring insurance.  we protect our assets in case something happens.  why shouldn’t someone with significant assests want to protect them>

Post # 53
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

ajillity81 :  I wasn’t trying to disprove your point. I think pre-nups are reasonable when the situation warrants them. That doesn’t mean I’m going to accept any old bad argument for them.

Post # 54
Member
2337 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

ajillity81 :  

sarathemermaid :  Actually most insurance do not cover every ailment (or to be specific treatment for those ailments) and sometimes you may need to increase your coverage. For e.g. I’ve been refused treatment for my endometriosis and other illness because it falls under fertilty. 

 

But that’s beyond my point. We insure for things that are likely to happen by some statistical probability we are not comfortable with, that we have little to no control over. I’d like to think I have a little more faith in marriage, making a strict analogy a bit flawed.

Post # 55
Member
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

picturemeurs :  Your points aren’t good ones.  You’re more likely to get a divorce than you are to get into a helicopter accident or get some rare disease.  I adore my SO and I know he worships the ground I walk on NOW, but I want my children protected if we don’t work out.

 People get insurance because they’re smart,  not because they’re hoping they’ll have to use it. With your analogies people with car insurance are going to drive unsafely because they have insurance and people with health insurance are going to do unhealthy things.

But you and your SO with your oh so special superior relationship won’t have to worry.  Unlike everyone else you two value your relationship. Unlike everyone else you two are committed to each other.  Everyone else who has gotten divorced obviously just piddled around with their marriage like a hackysack.  

Yes, you’re naive  

 

Post # 56
Member
4994 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Anyone else notice how it is always the partner with no assets who wants to put all their “faith” in the marriage and not protect financial interests? 

Post # 58
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

Look at it from his parents’ perspective. Imagine that your grandparents worked hard their whole life and we’re able to purchase 2 houses, renting one of them, Then, your mother inherited those two properties, worked hard, invested wisely, and was able to purchase two more properties. Then, you inherited all four properties, got married, purchased one more, and had a son.

Now it’s your son’s turn to get married, and of course you want him to succeed in his marriage. At the same time, you would him to have some protection in case the woman ends up breaking his heart and leaving. Why would she deserve leaving with some properties she didn’t even help acquire? Those are not hers and shouldn’t be hers!

Prenups are for the worst case scenario. They are not personal or against anyone. They’re pro original family, that’s all. Will you still work after getting married? If yes, then get a lawyer and make sure to protect your future kids in that prenup, as well as any assets the couple acquire after the marriage. If you don’t intend to work because you and your husband decided you should be a stay-at-home mom, get a lawyer and make sure to protect your kids and yourself in that prenup, because you will have renounced your professínal life for your kids. You won’t have kids and will keep working? Sign the prenup.

PS: I signed a prenup in my first marriage. My ex-husband’s parents have lots of property and wanted to secure them. They were in their right. I could never see myself divorcing him, but 11 years later, I did. I would not touch any of his/their inheritance/property anyway, as it didn’t rightfully belong to me.

Post # 59
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

To those saying it was not appropriate to bring up for the first time in therapy – it’s actually encouraged to bring up topics you are having trouble broaching in therapy.  It was very appropriate.

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