(Closed) Preparing to call off my wedding…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Historic Mansion

If I were you I would pack up all my stuff tonight and leave. Knowing all this info, I wouldn’t want to see or speak to him ever again. He isn’t worth your time and energy.

Post # 3
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I planned my breakup with my ex for 3 weeks before I left so I totally get it. I needed a plan to get away and stay away, I drove 3 hours to a friends house with my dog and spent the weekend there. He had a pornography addiction and I debated telling his parents to get him help but decided against it. I did call them and tell them to go over to his place because he was in a bad place and I was concerned for his safety. I don’t think I would tell his family the specific reasons for the breakup. I would let him explain it to them. It’s his family, his responsibility. I know you want to help but telling them probably isn’t going to help or change anything. And he will probably dupe another girl into being with him, there isn’t much you can do about that either. People like that only get help when and if they want to. 

I think your priority needs to be on yourself. Getting yourself out of this situation and taking care of yourself and getting the support you need. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it. Sending courage and strength your way!!

Just curious, how were you able to find out about the extent of his “other life”? Did you check his computer some more? 

Post # 4
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

Honestly, I’m THRILLED for you. Thank GOD and every lucky star in the sky that you found out now.

just get out, and get out now, and take everything that is important to you. Deal with the rest later.

the three close friends – can you go stay with one of them?

 

hugs bee xxxxxxx

Post # 5
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee

I think you can send a few emails to specific members of his family, people who you think will be the biggest help to him (parents and maybe siblings) and will put a stop to any rumor spreading. If he needs help as you say, it is better to not embarrass him and make him feel like he needs to retaliate.

Tell your family as well, maybe not so many details, but that he wasn’t faithful throughout your relationship. Also, leave as soon as you can and contact your vendors as soon as possible so they can make arrangements and hopefully get new clients (so you don’t lose money).

Post # 6
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’m really sorry about that. I don’t have much help with the emotional side of things but I really hope you know your worth is so much more than being treated like this. 

Ok, logistics. An easy way to notify everyone of the cancelled wedding is to mail out notifications. Essentially they look like simplified invitations or save the dates and simply say “the wedding will not be proceeding as planned and has been cancelled”. It will help from having to actually speak to the people directly over the phone or whatnot. I would tell people as soon as possible since they may have already made travel arrangements. 

If anyone asks, you have no requirement to say anything other than “I have decided I can’t be in this relationship anymore and marrying him would be the wrong decision” 

Do you have a local Facebook group for weddings? I’ve seen people post in mine available dates for venues that people could take. That’s one place to start. But your wedding is in May, so I’m assuming the date is probably pretty popular. Talk to your vendors as soon as possible because they might have already been contacted by people wondering about that date. I understand their policy but they are likely to help you find someone to replace you. 

Post # 7
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I wouldnt tell anyone in his family, unless of course you think they can get him the help he needs.  Its going to hurt losing not just him, but his family.  But in the long run you honestly wont talk to them / see them again, at least thats how it is 99% of the time, it sucks and im sorry your going through this bee!

Post # 9
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this! I totally get you on wanting to make it through the holidays, save up money, etc. but don’t let that become an excuse. This’ll be hard, I know, but you 100% know it’s necessary to break things off, so don’t drag it out too long. Why can’t he be the one to move out? Or, at the very least, temporarily find a place to crash once you confront him with what you know? The burden shouldn’t be solely on you and you’d be well within your rights to tell him to find another place to stay for a time. He’s the one who royally screwed up, after all. The burden should be on him to give you space in this situation, not the other way around.

As for telling his family, I respect you for not wanting to give them too many of the gorey details. I do think it’s appropriate for you to at least let them know the reason for the split since you’re probably right that he’ll spin it so you’re the bad guy. It might make them a little more cooperative when it comes to notifying his family about the wedding cancellation. Honestly, I don’t know how much his family can help with his addiction since I’m a firm believer in rehab and things like that not working unless the person truly wants to change. Who knows, maybe losing you will be the wakup call he needs. But after you separate your lives that won’t be your problem. I know that sounds cruel and selfish but it sounds like he has so many issues that he’s a lost cause.

Post # 10
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
distantsuns :  I think perhaps someone was looking over you ❤

sorry to ask, but at the point of leaving, do you think you’ll be safe? He could potentially fly off the handle knowing he has been “exposed”. Perhaps use the two weeks to arrange somewhere new to stay, take the cat there ahead of time and claim it’s gone out etc? Xxxxx

Post # 11
Member
10284 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
distantsuns :  I really caution you against telling his family. A man this sick, who knows what he’s capable of and how angry he will get if you out him. 

I know it seems like the end of the world for these people to think the worst of you, but no doubt he will feed them a pack of lies and they will eat it up because he’s their family. That’s ok. It sucks but that’s the way this works. 

Protect yourself and spend time and resources focused on helping yourself, not him. 

Post # 12
Member
2333 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Firstly, you are not alone. Please post here if you need some kind words. You are such a kick ass lady, you are so strong. You will get through this, eventually. For now, logistics. I think having a plan to exit is very safe. They recommend that for victims of abuse, and he has emotionally abused you. 

As for canceling: you call your mom and tell her to call your side of the guests. You tell Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man to contact guests of mutual friends, they say “I’m sorry to inform you but the wedding of Jack and Jill has been cancelled.” The end. You call the ones flying from the world over. You don’t need to get into details. Just say “The wedding has been cancelled, we can go into details later, right now I just needed to tell you.” 

Vendors:Maybe you reason with your vendors, let them know the jist of it, and you are really in a hard place. They may feel for you and let you completely off the hook. May is a busy wedding month, they will be likely to book for your day quickly.

Your wedding dress can be sold at preownedweddingdresses.com, or in the classifieds here. 

Hug that cat of yours tight. 

Post # 13
Member
843 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
distantsuns :  pet friendly hotels do exist, and some, like Extended Stay America and other chains, both allow pets and offer low-cost longer term arrangements. DH and I moved 19 hours away this summer and did two nights in hotels with our cat. It wasn’t great and he didn’t love it, but if you need to get out now, it’s an option. 

Stay strong and lean on your family/bridal party as much as possible, especially to help with the legwork of actually making arrangements to cancel. 

Post # 15
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I would also want to get another paycheck and plan my leave as well. I wouldn’t say anything to his family but completely understand why you would want to. However, I don’t think that it will do much good, and it might actually even make them dislike you for divulging such personal and intimate information about their family member. Just a thought. You poor thing, you are amazingly strong and i’m really sorry you are going through this hell.

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