(Closed) Preparing to call off my wedding…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

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distantsuns :  the other obvious for me, and I’m sorry to be so blatant or alarm you, but this is a man with MILITARY training. He is TRAINED to pick up a gun when threatened. That will be his automatic reaction. And with military training, and the fact he is extremely accustomed to handling a loaded gun – if he chooses to use one…. he’s unlikely to miss his target.

id choose the upheaval of a move over this level of risk ANY day of the week. This is NOT worth the risk. Get out asap.

(and I am talking from experience) xx

Post # 62
Member
564 posts
Busy bee

Agree with

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beebay : and 
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farmfreshjoy :  plan sounds perfect. It sucks, it’s more than inconvenient, but you need to be the one to move. You’d be surprised how fast moving crews can move a bunch of heavy furniture. I moved once from a 2nd floor apt (Stairs) to another 2nd floor apt in the same complex and two moving guys moved a full bedroom set of furniture, plus my living room furniture and other miscellanious items in 2 hours. Just make sure whoever you hire is well-reviewed and also tell them your situation; they should be much more sympathetic and wanting to help. Police escort also sounds great. So sorry you’re going through this, I can’t even imagine; but, happy for you that you found out before the wedding and that you didn’t consider staying (as there is no way you should). 

Post # 63
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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distantsuns :  While I understand the convenience aspect of him moving out instead of you, I wouldn’t take any chances. I’d move all my stuff and put them in a rented storage space, if I didn’t have a new apartment yet. I wouldn’t feel safe in that same apartment, with him knowing where I live and possibly knocking on my door in the middle of the night. I am so sorry this is happening to you, but please be smart about it – money and time are important, yes, but your safety should be the #1 priority. 

Post # 64
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

just read your update, bee. I am so sorry you are going through this; I can’t begin to imagine how hard this is. Not knowing you….. I still really wonder about the logistics of you staying there and him moving. I genuinely don’t see this is a viable option.

I would be worried about your own safety… and he’s not going to want to move. He’s not going to want to cooperate with you. He’s going to get you to try to change your mind, try to convince you that he’s not really a sex addict, etc. I think it will be easier to gain some control of your life/ your options if you are the one that leaves.  I like the previous posters’ suggestions about having the police involved as well as having a moving company move your stuff while he’s out/ at work.

Please do keep up updated. I would love to hear when you are out of there.

Post # 65
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think you are being totally rational and really thinking this through – great job to have a plan in place beforehand. I commend you for staying so calm through it all.

 My question is – who’s name is on the lease of the apartment? Have you inquired with them if you can break your lease early, what happens if someone moves out, etc? Unfortunately if you are under lease, you may still be legally required to pay part of the rent. 

Post # 66
Member
10190 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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distantsuns :  

Big, potentially fatal flaw:  he won’t leave.  The odds are, he’s not going to allow you to throw him out.  Nor is he going to be a gentleman and make a gracious exit.

No, he’s going to be furious.  No good will come of that.  Think of the inconvenience now as the price of your freedom.

The movers can also pack your stuff and do it fast.  As a PP suggested, be sure the company is well reviewed.  There is a lot of fraud in the moving industry.  And do not tell them you are escaping a bad domestic situation!  You’ll scare them off.  People don’t want to get in the middle of that and movers don’t want your bf showing up and arguing over who owns what.  Many businesses will not work with you if they find out you are fleeing a domestic situation.  Can’t blame them.  Personal experience talking.

Post # 67
Hostess
4581 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

OP, if your expensive city is D.C., I’m more than happy to help.  I agree with PP that even though it would be easier to stay in your apartment, it is so much safer to move out.  Do your local friends know what is going on?  I would reach out for help.  Honestly, if one of my friends or family members told me they were in this situation, I would immediately take time off and come out to help them no matter how far they lived.  Please keep us updated so we know you are safe. 

Post # 69
Member
10190 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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distantsuns :  

Lean on your friend.  She’s more clear headed about this situation.

Post # 70
Member
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

How do you not sleep with him for 2 weeks? You need to get tested for every venereal disease and AIDS immediately!

You also need to tell his parents everything.  He will blame everything on you and they need to be clear about why you are leaving their lives.

Also I would not trust him to behave in a rational way when you leave.   I sense a “poor baby he’s not well” feeling coming from you.  He’s a bad person and not to be trusted.  I’d get my finances together and move out immediately when he’s not there.

Post # 71
Member
1785 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m not sure if this applies to where you live, but I’ve heard that there has been legislature passed in certain areas where people fleeing a domestic situation can legally break their lease without any financial repurcussions.

I see what you’re saying about it being a pain to move out all of the furniture but staying is just not a safe option. I know you’re saying that there’s a good possibility that you could run into him in different places, but all of those other places you listed are public and chances are there would be people around who could help you/get you to safety. If you really don’t want to deal with moving, look for cheap apartments that are already furnished. Yes you’ll lose money on the stuff you already own, but stuff can be replaced, you can’t. 

Also, logistically how are you going to get him to move out? You said that you decided against confronting him on his issues (which I think is a good decision). So what excuse are you going to give him as to why he has to leave? He’s not just going to agree to leave if you just saying something like “it’s not working anymore”, since you’re the one breaking up, he’ll expect you to be the one to go.

 

Post # 72
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2022 - City, State

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distantsuns :  I am so sorry that you are going through this! I read what you said about your ex-finace being ex-military and having a temper. You may want to consider calling the police for a backup just in case. Plus, this would give you official (and armed) witnesses in case you ever need to file a restraining order.

Post # 74
Member
309 posts
Helper bee

Throw any and all bullets away. If he wants a bullet so bad he can go out and buy some. 

Tell him you need to take the cat to the vet, and see if a friend can watch your cat while all of this goes down. It keeps the cat from getting caught in the middle somehow, and it would be one less thing to stress over. Pick up the cat after you’ve moved in to your new place.

Post # 75
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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distantsuns :  I totally understand your point that you might run into him anyways, but I’d rather run into him on the block between transit and my work than have him know where I live. 

ETA: I’m assuming you don’t work at like 2am and therefor running into him on the street would be a public setting and not super sketchy. 

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