(Closed) Preparing to call off my wedding…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 91
368 posts
Helper bee

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distantsuns :  Glad you’re developing a plan!  But PLEASE don’t “throw the bullets out”!  That’s incredibly dangerous.  In addition to the chance of them falling into the wrong hands, there’s a good chance of them “exploding” even without being in a gun.  I work in law enforcement; we have to keep ammunition locked in a specially designed safe with warning signs on it and outside the room where the safe is kept in case of a fire.  Firefighters need to know that they’re in there as they can go off from the heat.  Pressure can also cause some types to go off.  I’m not sure the pressure of a garbage truck compactor is enough but it certainly isn’t worth the risk.  Call your local police department and explain you want to get rid of some ammunition.  They’ll come and pick it up and dispose of it safely.

Post # 94
47 posts
  • Wedding: August 2016

Didn’t want to read the entire thread and not post. 

Im just sending you my best wishes and hope you’re okay. You sound like a really brave and courageous woman. 

Good luck with your situation. 

I don’t really have any advice. However, I always find that just following your instinct and listening to your gut leads you to safety. 

Post # 95
2548 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

If his family wants to blame you they will regardless, my ex was both abusive and a cheat and I was the driving force behind anything and everything he ever did for his family, including just visiting them, but when I caught him cheating and decided the leave and resultingly came out about the abuse I’d been hiding, all I heard from his family was “why are you doing this to him?” And to be perfectly honest I think I deserved apology from his mother for having knowingly raised an abuser (long story but I really do think it was intentional, which is horrible, but it’s what I believe). I think you’ve suffered enough and don’t need any unnecessary guilt added to your choice to leave. If I were you I would wait until you are ready to leave, like the truck is packed ready, and then send everything you found to his parents and leave a printed copy on the table for him to see and then just go. My advice may be tainted by the fact that I was a victim of abuse for 6+ years and still bitter about it due to suffering from PTSD from it,  but this is my answer to WWYD, that’s what I would do.

Post # 96
348 posts
Helper bee

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distantsuns :  so you and I have gone through similar unfortunate situations. To the T except that I actually married the lying/cheating fool before I discovered everything and left. I’m so glad that you can avoid that.

I told friends of his (who had become mutual friends) part of what he’d done (about the tons of cheating/double life w random internet strangers, Ashley Madison, etc.), but I never told them about the trans stuff. I did tell them that there was something else he’d been doing, much bigger, that I didn’t want to tell them bc I was scared of his reaction and maybe it wasn’t my business to tell. I’ve never regretted telling anyone about his cheating and only telling my own friends/fam about him being gay/into transgendered ppl/transsexuals/cross dressers/men. Nobody doubted my decision to leave him, but I also didn’t ask. I mostly cut off ppl I knew through him after I left him and when he was trying to find me through ppl I knew.  

Dont feel bad about whatever you did to figure out the depth of his lies. Whenever you have a good reason to believe that your SO is involved w serious deal breaker stuff and very serious lies and risking their life and yours, it’s important to get whatever info you can and get to the bottom of things quickly and enough for you to make decisions before it’s too late. (I had reason to suspect something and asked my ex to install keyloggers etc on his phone and computer- he STILL couldn’t keep himself from very excessive porn and Craigslist and all that when he knew I would see it.)

call it off however you want. Your family can tell whatever ppl you want them to and say whatever you want them to say.

as for leaving- leave when you want to but know that it doesn’t get easier. You also can’t assume that he won’t get worse in however he treats you or even get violent. My ex knew I knew and pretended to be super remorseful and willing to do anything and stopped immediately cold turkey and “easily.” But he got progressively angrier and wouldn’t give me space. He began following me from room to room yelling about nothing and eventually, when I would close a door to be alpine, he would push the other side to try to keep the door open and could’ve hurt me. And, of course, he hadn’t stopped at all. Escalation happens very quickly and it can easily be too late and you could have no chance to escape by the time you realize that you have to go. My ex often thought that I was his last hope at his attempt to pretend he was a straight family guy w no secret life. If he had a gun, who knows what he’d have done in a moment of despair and an attempt to keep the facade going. If you feel at all (which you probably should and you mentioned that you do feel this way) that you need to hide/dispose of all the bullets and the knives, then you need to get out asap  Finish your plan and get more money elsewhere. Your safety is way more important.

I eventually left my stuff there to be safe at a friend’s place (without telling him) and I moved out without telling him when or to where (I only took stuff that was mine). I couldn’t be happier that I left before moving out- it was a crazy headspace and unsafe physically to stay w him.

Post # 97
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017 - Ocean front

Reading this post breaks my heart and I will be thinking about you.  Please be safe, take precautions and continue thinking things through as you have been as it may save your life.

I give you credit,  I’m not sure I could go about things in a “normal ” day to day loving “we’re about to be married” mode and hide my anger and discust at what he did and not to tip him off that i knew….how do you DO that?? You are strong beyond words!! Stay focused and keep all close to you always in the loop and I would download this free domestic abuse app that Dr Phils wife Robin created (you sets up a quick call button for help w an ER contact and it automatically starts recording what is going on in the room if things go south fast….) I’ll look up the name and let you know.  It’s just another level of protection for you to consider.  

I found the link to explain app:


Please get this on your phone! :+)

Post # 98
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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distantsuns :  So sorry OP. I sure hope this is a year for positive change and healing for you. 

Post # 99
1136 posts
Bumble bee

I understand the cost of moving plus deposits and breaking the lease. A nightmare. Definitely. But still safer if you go and he doesn’t know where you live.

How much time is left on the lease? I wonder if there is a way to contact the landlord and ask what the penalty is for leaving early. Sometimes they can be lenient – it might be 2 months rent because of the situation. My sister and her husband rented a place years ago then broke up badly before moving in. The landlord kept their deposit and wanted 2 months rent to let them break the lease but better than paying the full lease term. Maybe your landlord might have a wait list of possible tenants and be able to fill the space soon. Then again, maybe best not to ask the landlord yet for fear that they might tip your ex off, but at the same time they might be helpful in this. Depends on your assessment of the landlord and if she/he can keep quiet. 

**Another weird thought (I used to be a realtor so this is where this is coming from) maybe your landlord manages more than one property and might have a vacancy in another one of their buildings that you could transfer your current lease term to. It’s a long shot – but – might be a good solution. Then you’d have a place to go, no worries about owing for the current place. And the landlord would still get the full amount owed just with a slight alteration to the address.

Post # 100
1136 posts
Bumble bee

It’s all in how you spin it – if you ask the landlord first without revealing background info about your situation if they have other properties and if any are vacant. Then if so, proceed from there with asking about options and asking about breaking the lease, etc. 

Post # 101
10 posts
  • Wedding: September 2017

So sorry to hear all of this! If the expensive city happens to be Boston, feel free to PM me if you need anything.

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