(Closed) Preparing to call off my wedding…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 106
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee

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distantsuns :  I’m in Ontario, Canada so I’m going with the rules here where I am. Most likely though – the common theme is the same. I would assume you are required to notify the landlord if you move out because the lease details would change without you on it. If you both break the lease then you would both most likely be liable for 1/2 each of the remaining amount. But – rules might be different there, you might be able to break with a smaller penalty. 

Post # 107
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

My biggest concern is…have you gotten yourself tested? Get to a women’s clinic straight away. That would be my personal first step. I scanned through the 8 pages, but didn’t see one person mention this…sorry if I missed it! Even if you have used a condom for every single time (vaginally and oral) I would get myself tested if he’s picking up that many random people on the internet, you just never know.

Post # 108
Member
11 posts
Newbee

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distantsuns :  My ex-fiance had a life-threatening alcohol addiction to the point where he landed in the ICU for a week and nearly died from a severe case of delirium tremens. His family knew he was an alcoholic, but he had lied to them about having returned to drinking. When I was debating leaving the first time (a year before I finally did leave) I tried to tell his dad (a man who is also a recovering/recovered alcoholic) about what he had actually been up to. His dad was quite standoffish, and told me it was “not appropriate” that I tried to talk to him about his son- that he would not discuss him “behind his back.”

I tried to tell his family what I thought was very important information- indisputable facts about what he had been doing and lying about, and it did not go well.

That said, if you are worried about him, is there a non-nuclear family member of his you are really close with that you trust? Perhaps the spouse of a sibling, or a cousin of his he is close to? If you could speak candidly to that one person in private and just lay it out similiar to “I am worried about him. To my knowledge no one in your family knows about this behavior. I couldn’t in good conscience walk away without letting someone know. I think he might need help.” That way you could clear your conscience that you passed that baton of knowledge about the problem and you can move on about your life.

Post # 110
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

I did not read through all of the responses but depending on where you are in the United States (i think they are located in California) there is a company called Meathead Movers who assist women in your type of situations. They will help you move for FREE!

http://www.meatheadmovers.com/

 

Please be safe bee. I def encourage getting a police escort if this doesn’t work out. As others have said, I don’t think its a good idea to stay in your current apartment. He really sounds dangerous. 

I also second the GoFundMe and I would donate if money is the issue. Seriously bee. Worry about the logisitics and money later. Safety should come first. You are in a hot situation. 

Post # 112
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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distantsuns :  oh thank goodness! That is such good news! I would get tested every 3 months for at least a year. Somethings like HIV can take that long to test positive. Better safe then sorry! 

Post # 113
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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distantsuns :  I agree with most that you moving would be the safest. But understand if that isn’t possible. But I wouldn’t give him time in your apt to pack up. I would rent him a storage unit. Then on the day–you move all his stuff into the storage unit, have the landloard change your locks, give the cops the bullets, move a few of your valuables and important papers out of the apt (incase he breaks in) and plan for you and kitty to be out of town for a few days. 

As far as telling his people what he did, I think a simple email to his parents letting them know how much you love them and will miss them and simply saying you loved Fiance, but discovered that he has cheated repeatedly over the course of your relationship made it impossible for you to remain with him. That way, if he starts to harrass you, you can let him know that you still have evidance of all the stuff he did and will gladly send it to his parents unless he leaves you alone. 

As for your wedding guests, a simple post card, email or post on FB that simply says “The wedding has been called off.” Nothing else necessary. 

Post # 114
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

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distantsuns : it sadly happens more than ppl think, but it’s still super rare bc it’s hard to hide something like that for so long and most guys would hopefully just come out and live wharever life they desire instead of living two lives and deceiving their spouse. I’ll also admit that I left too late and friends and family urged me to move sooner. I wish that I’d talked to them earlier to get their help to leave faster. It could’ve ended much worse and even the yelling and endless discussions he kept trying to have to convince me to stay when I told him it wasn’t an option and i needed space continued to let that lying cheater actively dominate way too much of my mental and emotional space for far too long. Even just the feeling of depression of not being able to get out of bed or of not being able to sleep – it isn’t worth it. Start your journey out of it asap. 

I am a nice, considerate, responsible person like you sound to be. So I told my landlord he was moving out for a while. The stupid landlord had the nerve to make requests about who left and who stayed and when! While I had family scared for my life and was about to lose my job from having difficulty working while living w him. So then I stayed long enough for him to find a roommate and for me to find an apt. Bad call- I would’ve been much happier and better off at my friend’s place for longer. But I made my decisions and you have to make yours too.

When a man is scared that he might lose his only or best chance at a heterosexual life/marriage/family and when he’s scared that he may be outed, he can do horrible and awful things (mostly to you). Especially if you see potential for him being angry. He was selfish and risked your life and lied to you all this time, you have to be a tiny bit selfish to do what works best for you in leaving. Best of luck and feel free to pm me or reach out anytime. 

Post # 115
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

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distantsuns :  Along with leaving a note, I would take pictures or the house (or find some legal witness or something) so you have proof if he destroys your things while you are gone. 

Please just put yourself in the safest possible situation. And I know you mentioned you dont want your mom leaving your sick dad, but maybe reconsider. No one can replace your mother, and I think you might need her. Maybe you have another family member who can step in to care for your father?

Post # 116
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

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distantsuns :  and I forgot to add that I’m doing much better than okay now. While this type of thing can be crushing and at times had me think I should never have sex w anyone ever again when someone can easily lie so well and so dangerously, it also helped me not long for my ex at all. I was over him pretty much instantly – no love wasted on a porn-addicted, lying, cheating, motel/parking lot-stranger-sex having (probably) gay man.

I took a bit of time to myself, dated a tiny bit and ended up deciding that since I’m late 30s I’d probably end up happy and alone. And I was okay with it.  Within weeks after realizing that, I started dating a friend (and kinda former bf) from undergrad. I’ve known him for almost 20yrs. He treats me like a queen and is fully transparent and is a wonderful person. I’ve never been happier and we’re getting married in the spring. He is the love of my life. So know that your life can and hopefully will be amazing. You just have to clear out the old riff raff and take some time to spoil yourself and put yourself first.

You might want to find out how much it would be to break the lease and see if you have family/friends who’ll lend you that amount. Mine were more than happy to do so and are fine w getting paid back once I get my promotion in a cpl yrs. and if you’re moving, maybe consider having a friend/relative there when you move and hiring a mover who will also pack. I thought I’d be fine on my own but was so glad to have a friend there- I couldn’t make almost any decisions by myself at first and so much easier not to pay for packing. The middle of the month tends to be cheaper for movers. 

Post # 117
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2017

@distantsuns  I remember on tv hearing about a woman who called the police when her husband was in the same room and pretended to be ordering a pizza. The operator figured it out and dispatched the police. I really hope there isn’t a situation that requires you to get ahold of the police covertly but if it does become dangerous, I want you to remember that. There is no guarantee that they will get it but when/if you have to order your pizza do not forget to give them your address. There are lots of women’s shelters if you end up needing to disappear. Along with other PP I would be happy to contribute to a GoFundMe, and if your in texas I have family in two of the major cities. Start changing your passwords now you may end up needing to make a quick exit. I am praying for you. Please keep us updated bee we worry about you!

Post # 118
Member
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017 - Ocean front

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distantsuns :  I’m glad i could at leadt offer something helpful as I feel terribly you have to go thru this! :+(

Post # 119
Member
1435 posts
Bumble bee

Hello OP!

How have you been? Sending all the love and hugs your way!

Post # 120
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

I am hoping for an update too, bee! Please let us know… I am sure many of us are rooting for you and will be so relieved to hear that you are outta there and safe!

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