Pressure from everyone

posted 11 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

A death in the family can make things complicated.  Sometimes the frustration manifests itself as discontentment with the wedding planning, but its probably just stress.  Find out which things are the most important to you and stick to those.  Some things will fall through the cracks even when there is a ton of time to plan.  Just get married.  Enjoy your friends and family.  It will be ok.

My family is all over the place.  I keep in touch a web cam and lots of emails.

Good luck

Post # 5
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Plus its probably hard for your FIs family to get in the spirit of things.  A lot of people are super-critical and unpleasant when they are unhappy, and I bet that’s part of what you are seeing.  Also, when it comes to wedding planning, everybody has an opinion and everybody would do it better than you.  My family doesn’t even have the excuse of a death, and they are pretty critical at times.

I second MissRojoOso – put the most time into what matters most to you.  A lot of typical wedding things are not really necessary or even important.  Trust your decisions, even when other people seem critical.  (It’s always going to be not good enough for somebody, after all.)  And to those who are critical, just smile and tell them that you’re sorry they don’t approve, or are disappointed, but that you are doing your best and you are sure it will turn out just fine.

As far as your Fiance goes, you need to get him in line.  If he really intends to marry you, he is agreeing to love you and support you and choose you above all others.  And you need some freakin’ support right now.  You should be able to turn to him for a strong shoulder through this, especially when the problem is his family.  If he can’t give you that, then maybe you should be putting this off for a while, because he’s clearly not ready to be there for you.  And I think I know what I’m talking about here – my FI’s father died two weeks before he asked me to marry him.  So we have had our own share of criticism, mostly from his sister.  He just tells her that his dad loved me a lot, and his only regret is that he didn’t ask me sooner so that he would have been here to see it.

And as far as hotel rooms, you should search the past posts.  Most bees have found that the discounts aren’t that great, and that the hassle of the room blocks isn’t necessarily worth it.  Plus people don’t want to stay where you reserved, if a certain number of rooms doesn’t get bought you don’t actually get the discounted rate, etc, etc.  For my sister’s wedding, in Santa Fe, many of us got way cheaper rates over the internet than she had been able to get by reserving a block of rooms.  People can get their own darn rooms, and if they don’t want to spend the money to come, they can stay home!  Shame on them for blaming you for the cost of travel, as if you have some magical power to reduce that.

Post # 6
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Wedding planning in general solicits this dilemna.  Most brides go through it, so we can relate, but you have a death in the family to throw a another difficult twist into the equation.

Take a deep breath and remember that men and women will never think alike.  You are to be commended for taking the reigns and leading the planning process, but we also want our FI’s to agree and love all the choices we make. 

They have no comprehension of the amount of effort it takes to plan a wedding, or how much thought goes into making a decision.  But, we want their validation that we made the right choice and they love it as much as we do.  It finally became clear to me when my Fiance said to me, "Honey, I love you and I am so excited to marry you.  But I will never love paper the way you love the invitations you picked out, so stop being mad at me for not loving paper."

It’s interesting that his family is distraught, yet can muster up the energy to criticize your decisions.  The next time someone tells you things aren’t being done right, your response should be "By who’s standards?"  Nowadays, there’s a lot of flexibility in the rules.  If people don’t understand that you’re getting things out late due to a death in the family, they don’t deserve to be at your wedding anyway.

Try to enjoy it as much as you can, and focus on the fact that all of your hard work will pay off during your fantastic party.  Good luck!

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