Pressure to start a family

posted 2 weeks ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
2332 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Regarding the comments, you need to just shut them down. Tell whoever is commenting that the comments make you uncomfortable and to please stop. 

No one can tell you when you’ll be ready. At 31/32, you still have a decent amount of time before you likely need to worry about fertility issues due to age. Typically they say around 35+ is when your fertility starts to decline (but it’s not instant, that’s just an estimate, etc). 

I would recommend having a conversation with your husband about a rough timeline. What do you want to accomplish before trying? For us, it was buying a house, being married, and myself finishing graduate school. If the home renovation is important, how long will it take? 

Also, even if you started trying now, you might not get pregnant right away. Between 9 months of pregnancy and possible months of trying, that’s another thing to consider when thinking of a timeline.

Overall, only you and your husband can decide when you’re ready and I don’t think you need to be in a huge rush due to your ages. 

 

Post # 3
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

peachnlello :  Following this thread as I’m about to turn 30 and I worry about the biological clock too. I always wanted kids but the older I get, the less I feel like I want them because I understand the reality of having a kid better now than when it was just a theory in my head. 

Post # 4
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

I think you should have them on YOUR time. Not your relatives or co workers. Period 🙂 If this means you want to wait a few years more then do that. If during that time you decide you never want any then that is valid too.

Post # 5
Member
6216 posts
Bee Keeper

peachnlello :  just shut the comments down – you don’t owe anyone an explanation or a timeline. If you give them explanations they will just try to argue why you’re wrong. I had to do IVF to have my daughter and in the years I spent trying to get pregnant I was pretty upfront about the fact that we were trying and struggling to conceive and honestly – that still didn’t stop a lot of people. They’d switch to offering super helpful suggestions like “just relax more and it will happen” or “buy my essential oils scam” or, my favorite “yea we’ve been trying for 2 months now so I’m pretty sure we’ll need IVF too” and then that person was pregnant a month later.

Seriously. Tell them all to STFU. And if they can’t cut them out of your life for awhile – you’ll either be rid of some toxic people or the ones that actually care about you will realize how serious you are about the topic.

Post # 6
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

Shut it down immediately.  I am getting married in the fall and will be 35 when we try to conceive our first – and I’m already starting to get much more private about what that process will look like, even with our parents/in-laws.  As someone in her 30s, I’ve become very sensitive to the fact that the process may be difficult and/or filled with unexpected surprises, and I don’t want anyone to think that those topics (or our struggles, etc.) are open for discussion.

Nope, nope and nope.

Post # 7
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

peachnlello :  The questions feel very nosey or invasive because they are…in addition to rude.  And honestly I’d be like “Would you all kindly get the hell out of my uterus?  It’s not your business!”

You sound like you’re on the fence about kids.  Have you and your Darling Husband had a sitdown about this?  Are you both on the same page?  Ask yourself this question….Why do you want children?  Is it because someone else wants you to have them or do you want them because YOU want them?  Its a responsibility you should never take lightly. 

As a cfbc I always had the attitude that if I got pregnant, fine.  If I didn’t, that was fine too.  After a certain age I was like…no thanks I’m happy with my life as is.   Thank GOD my mother finally gave up on me.

Post # 8
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

Do you know when your mom had menopause? Our biological clocks are partially linked to that, so if you’re lucky and your mom’s body waited, you have plenty of time. My mom had hers in her early 40s though and my brothers at 40, so even then, you might be fine. Either way, you should have at least a few years to relax. 

Post # 9
Member
3057 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Dh and I just started trying for the first time in Jan. I’m 36, he’s 38. We started when we were ready and not a fraction of a second sooner. Ignore everyone who asks questions about your future plans regarding kids. Luckily, the most questioning I got was people asking if we planned on having kids, because it was not a topic we readily discussed with others. Age be damned. Under no circumstances would I rush into having kids. It’s such a massive, life altering decision. When you guys decide you’re ready is the only opinion that counts. 

Post # 12
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Bee I am so on the same page as you. Most of this pressure was self generated on my end since we live far from family. But I do feel like everyone is wondering you know?

The truth is it is an awkward stage in life, but I’ve been enjoyed our time alone. I can be selfish and spoiled all I want and revolve my day around me and Darling Husband. We pick up and leave and travel whenever we want. The freedom is amazing.

Do your thing with you and Darling Husband and take your time. Honestly its made our marriage stronger and we’ve taken this time to improve our skills as a couple and fix alot of our flaws. I’ve seen other couples who married the same time as us have their child immediately, but they are in such dire straits financially and completely reliant on family to pay for things and raise their child. Not saying this is all cases but its hard. They are super stressed and have had 0 time to lay the proper foundation for a strong marriage.

Post # 13
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2020

Ew the comments from friends/coworkers about starting your period is super inappropriate. Echo pps that THAT needs to be shut down immediately. And don’t for a second let anyone make you feel like the bad guy or “too sensitive/short” about it. They are the ones being completely inappropriate. Every time someone makes a comment/question to you directly you need to be just as direct back, “those questions actually are very personal and make me uncomfortable so please stop asking/making comments about my body/fertility/period.” 

Secondly, just because you are older doesn’t mean you will have difficulty getting pregnant. Yes, some women do. Others get pregnant right away and have no problems. Don’t let other people scare you. I have plenty of first time moms come in to see me (work at a women’s clinic) and the majority got pregnant naturally with a smaller percentage needing IVF or ovarian stimulation to get things going. Talk to your doctor about your concerns and they will be able to alleviate some of the pressure I think. Enjoy renovating your house. Maybe set up a room with a future nursery in mind and see how you feel. You have time. 

Post # 14
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

peachnlello :  One thing to consider is how close together you may want to have your children.  My brother and I were 19 months apart and I always thought that was the perfect age gap… until I had my daughter.  I had her right around my 32nd birthday.  And my goodness, having a kid is a lot of work.  Being pregnant is even a lot of work.  I kept dragging my feet on having a second because I just was not ready like I thought I would be.  I am 34 now and my daughter is 2.5.  I think I am finally ready to try for a second, but I am a little terrified of having 2 kids (in addition to my 2 dogs and my cat) to take care of.

I think it is fairly safe to think you may be able to have kids up until like 38, maybe even later especially if you are open to fertility treatment.  There have been various ladies who have had kids at 40+ on here, most with IVF I think. Then I would start doing the backwards math to decide when you want to start trying.  Just be aware that getting pregnant naturally is a dice roll at any age… could happen on the first month, could take a year or more.  I hope you find a plan that works for you and you feel comfortable with.

Post # 15
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I don’t know about anyone else on here, but I had my son at 44, natural conception. A friend had a baby at 46, not only a natural conception, but a surprise to her even (she had assumed the stopped periods were menopause, not a baby. Both her son and mine are healthy. 

pearlrose :  

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