Post # 31
mrscross1020: ktsteimel: Mrs_Amanda: beethree: lmo013: Soon2bmrs1:
Thanks for all of your responses!! To clarify one big thing, I don’t go around actively looking for others to date. People at the hospital (my work for now) have asked me to go on dates and I’ve had no problem turning them down right away (and no second thoughts or regrets). The “if there is someone else” is entirely parentally based, in that they are so, so certain there is someone else out there that I will be better with and that this is not the person for me. I don’t believe them, or I’d be single right now, but I know that they aren’t out to do anything evil and might see something I don’t or can’t. I’m not actively pursuing others but wonder if they could be right, just because they’ve had more experience with all of this. I know that red flags with the family should be a huge sign, and it is, but my family is a little bit abnormal and very possessive/controlling, so I have to factor that in. I do get very concerned that my family hates my SO so much even though I enjoy being with him (which is all that matters anyways).
My stresses are school, my new schedule, and both of us being able to adjust to it comfortably. My biggest worry is that I’ll neglect my SO. If he’s ever upset from work, for example, he’s the type that won’t tell me if he knows I’ve got a huge exam coming up because he doesn’t want me to deal with the additional stress. I fear I’ll miss details like this when I’m super busy, and I dont want to not be there for him the way I am now. If we live apart, I will definitely miss these details, but living together doesn’t sit right with me, and I think it has to do a lot with my age and my fear of big changes- coupled with a ton of big changes happening all at once. I would be okay with me starting school and us moving in together maybe halfway through the year, once i can first and foremost, balance my workload.
All of your posts made me really reconsider why I’m in this relationship and I want to make sure I’m not stringing him along. I could never hurt him, but I don’t have that “when you see your bf, you should light up like the pizza delivery man just arrived” feeling– so that’s something I need to think about. Thanks again for all of your help 🙂
Post # 32
I agree, I should be excited. My parents have been a huge damper. If we got engaged, for example, I would be so sad to tell my parents. That’s not fair to me, it should be one of the happiest times in my life. I would be excited to tell all of my friends and my SO’s friends/family. I think they have just put a lot of “be on alert for how bad your SO is” into my mind, and though I haven’t seen it yet, I wonder if maybe it’ll come out next year or at much worse timing. For now I’m very happy with my SO, and we do a lot of creative, couple-y bonding activities together that we really enjoy. If I didn’t have the impending major stress from my parents, I would be happy to move in with him. For me, if we live together, it’s going to increase my mental burden during school in two ways. First is my parents being controlling and passive-aggressive if they want to visit but can’t, and then there’s wanting to spend time with my SO. I think I just need to be stronger at pushing my parents out to make it a happy move -in, and hopefully I can balance it all with work next year.
Post # 33
When I didn’t respond after he said that, and was actually contemplating it, he immediately apologized. I don’t think he meant it that way– I agree with one PP– he was struggling to say what he wanted to mean. Of course I should be able to decide after two years, and if my parents werent involved, I would be really happy and stress-free to move in and move our relationship forward. I don’t want to be stringing him along or hurt him. I think for now, I’m just going to pay more attention to the fine details of our relationship (we were long distance for our first year, so these past 6 months are the first we’ve spent being a 20 min walk from each other, vs a 4 hour drive) to make sure we are truly for each other. Long distance can warp a relationship when you only have 4 days a month to spend together, and it’s definitely possible that we missed certain details about each other over that time period, that are all coming out now. Thanks for your response, I appreciate it!!
Post # 34
I haven’t read your other threads – why do your parents disapprove so much?
Post # 35
A quote from your previous thread “My mom now thinks my SO is a selfish, controlling, manipulative person…”
Considering he is threaterning to break up with you if you don’t move in with him, I think your mom might be on to something.
Post # 36
I don’t want to be harsh, but I wouldn’t want to date someone who waffled so much between their parents’ “controlling” ways and me.
“My SO has always thought my parents were too controlling, which they most definitely are (verified by multiple therapists and my sister), and encouraged me to make my own choice here.” Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/help-parents-vs-f-fiance-blowout/#ixzz3z1fAHsmJ
I am not sure you are being fair to him, it seems like you might want to take time to focus on school and resolving your power issues with your parents. I know that will hurt, but it would give you breathing room to become your own person before you make a huge life decision.
Post # 37
he shouldn’t pressure you if you aren’t ready. You two are not in the same place in the relationship. He is ready to commit to you and move forward, and you very clearly question whether he is the one for you (and even wonder if you might meet someone else.) It’s totally ok if you aren’t ready. However, it is also ok for him to want to move in together and to break up with you if you aren’t in the same place.
I was kind of in the same situation when I was your age – my ex was ready to move in together and I wasn’t. My excuse was the place I was in with my career and finances, but honestly, looking back it was because I knew deep down that he wasn’t the one. I cared about him and enjoyed his companionship so I didn’t want the relationship to end, but we really should have broken up at that point. Instead the relationship dragged on for another year, with him resenting me the whole time – the whole thing turned ugly by the time we finally broke up and it didn’t have to.
Post # 38
That was my first thought too.
Worrying you might meet someone else is troubling. When my Fiance and I moved in I was worried about a lot of stuff: how we’d handle the chores, how’d we pay all the bills, etc. But I never for once thought about it ending over one of us meeting someone else. that’s just a non-starter. The fact that you’re having those types of thoughts tells me that you’re not ready. If you’re still thinking this after almost 2 years in…he doesn’t sound like the guy for you.
ETA: I get that you say that this idea is instilled by your parents and that it’s just a “what if” kind of thought, but really…you could meet someone else at any point in your life. To use that as a reason to not move forward (one of them) shows I don’t think this guy is right for you. I think you’re being pressured too much in both directions by your SO and your parents. I think it’s time to take a step back, be by yourself, and figure out what it is you truly want.