(Closed) Pressuring Hubby to move-am I being crazy/hurtful?

posted 5 years ago in Home
  • poll: What should I do?
    shut up about moving for a while, don't look at any housing ads : (6 votes)
    21 %
    quietly look at housing ads, don't go to view unless the price/place is right : (22 votes)
    79 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    13010 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Have you tried explaining that the bills are too high and it’s uncomfortably cold?  That it seems too be too small for your liking.  I don’t think you’re being hurtful, but I think you need to be clearer with him about why you want to move. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    13010 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @mrshoneybee:  It sounds like he’s just not getting it.  Are you thinking of TTC anytime soon?  You could tell him that you’re looking for a home more sustainable for a family, and that the lack of insulation is not a good environment for a baby… 

    Otherwise, I’d just keep telling him it’s not him, it’s the house…  Reassure him, and hopefully it’ll start to sink in!  Good luck!

    Post # 7
    Member
    4574 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @mrshoneybee:  I think the mold issue should be reason enough to move out.  If you decide TTC at some point, this is a huge NO-NO!!!  Try telling him that this issue can affect both of you, not just you or the future children you might want to have one day.

    GL xoxo

    Post # 8
    Member
    2622 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Since he seems to be very linear in his thinking I would put together a spreadsheet of the cost of staying including bills against the cost of moving. 

    And then in addition to that make a physical list of advantages to moving and staying (be honest on both sides)

    If he sees it as a logical decision and not just an emotional one he will be more likely to want to move. Also, ask him to look at the listins and see what he likes that he would be willing to move to. Involve him in the process. 

    Post # 9
    Hostess
    7561 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I’m guessing this is more of a money issue.  Are you guys saving money at the cabin? Are you looking at more expensive places? Maybe he is taking it personal because he feels like it’s an attack on his personality (“the saver.”)

    Post # 10
    Member
    7311 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    The trick is to introduce an idea (with an example), allow him to balk, and then drop it for a month or two. Then re-introduce the idea, allow it to roll around in his head, and very slowly (over several weeks) and non-threateningly probe him for his thoughts on the matter. Get him talking, help him think that it was his brilliant idea in the first place, and then pounce the moment he is onboard.

    Can you tell that we have a similar dynamic in our household? LOL It’s all about managing the process to get him onboard.

    Post # 11
    Member
    10367 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I think relationships involve a lot of compromise. He needs to move a little in your direction on this, I think. I’d approach it by budgeting out your bills that are high due to the bad insulation and your health with the mold issues. Then i’d show him properties in your price range and point out the estimated savings in monthly bills by moving there.

    Money is the #1 cause of divorce, it’s really important that the two of you be able to give/take on this issue and be flexible throughout your lives together!

    Post # 12
    Member
    10367 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @lovekiss:  I’m not a huge fan of “pretend like what I want isn’t a big deal and push it under the rug and then play games to get what I want” method. It’s not a very healthy dynamic. If you can’t be on an equal footing with your spouse. who can you be that with?

    Post # 13
    Member
    53 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    How long have you been living there?  I have moved around a lot, and there is nothing worse than packing everything up and moving again, particularly if it was shortly after doing the same thing recently.  Also, have you considered the cost of what you will have to put up for a new lease? At least first months rent, if not two or three months rent.  Perhaps that is what is concerning him?

    Also, I know you said that the landlord was willing to let you out of the lease early, however you had better make sure that means that you can break the lease without having to pay it out.  I have no doubt that he will *let* you break the lease, but it’s not clear that he doesn’t expect you to pay up for the remainder (there was a thread on here about this recently, I believe).

    Post # 14
    Member
    53 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    Also, have you discussed the lack of insulation and mold issue with the landlord?  The mold issue, at least, should be a situation that he would take seriously and look at rectifying, particularly if you are open about it concerning you.  I think you are jumping the gun on wanting to find a new place, without considering other options first.

    Post # 15
    Member
    4275 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    Neither of those options work for me… look into the price of getting the mold removed (very important) and getting installation vs jumping into a new place. Talk to your landlord about getting these things fixed asap. Then discuss your options with your husband, you two are partners on life decisions.  Storage is a lesser priority at this point. I wouldn’t even discuss TTC until this issue is worked out. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    7311 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    @crayfish:  You totally misunderstood me. It’s not an issue of equality at all. It’s a matter of dealing with a change-averse personality. Some people handle the idea of change better than others. So when you have someone who clams up in the face of change, you have to approach the situation in a non-pushy manner and give things plenty of time to shift from “totally new idea that causes heart palpitations” to “I’ve pondered the idea, thought through every possibility, and am happy to move forward”. It’s great of you and your partner have the same approach to change, but not every relationship has that same dynamic. So some of us adapt our approach in order to accomodate our partners’ needs.

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