- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
Background: My parents have been legally separated for 15+ years but due to my fathers selfishness, he won’t sign the papers. Only in the last few years has my mother really pushed the divorce. I think she finally got to the point where she just wants to be finished with him all together but since he won’t sign, they’re still kind of in limbo. My father has an annuity that he wants access to but since they’re still married, that money is legally shared with my mother and she wants what’s rightfully hers. He never paid a penny of child support so if you ask me, she should get the whole damn thing but she’ll settle for her half. The annuity is what’s holding up the divorce being finalized. Neither party trusts each other which is the real issue here (my father was/is an alcoholic and always put the bottle before his family). I made the mistake of giving my father my phone number years ago and he calls me every once in a while. Unfortunately, all of his phone calls are only for one reason… to get my mother to sign the papers for the annuity. He never calls to see how his only child is, he just wants his money. At first this was a tough pill to swallow but now I’m just kind of over it. My mom is all the parent I’ve ever needed and she’s done the job of both flawlessly. She’s a god damn super hero if you ask me.
Now my issue: My mother recently found a picture of my dad on FB (he’s in a group shot with some of his friends and it was his friends FB) and sent it to me. I haven’t been able to stop looking at it. I think about all of the years that he threw away due to his disease and it makes me sad. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my life is leaps and bounds better than it would have been had we stayed with my dad in that crappy situation but now that I’m older and have my own family, I’m considering trying to reconnect with him. We’ll never have a normal father/daughter relationship and to be honest, I don’t want that since he doesn’t deserve it, but I would like to know the man who contributed half of my genes. I remember the good times that we had (even though they were few and far between) and I’d like to give him a chance to try to make up for some of that lost time. He lives a few hours away and probably doesn’t have a means to travel (I doubt the guy has a car or any money) but even just communicating through email or phone calls would be enough of a start.
My problem is my mother since I don’t know how she’ll react to all of this. She’s the one who’s been there for me from day one and continues to be the only parent I know. She’s the one who made sacrifice after sacrifice to assure that I had the life that I deserved. I would never want to do anything to upset her and by reaching out to my father, I think I’ll do just that. I always tell her whenever he calls me (since those calls normally mean that he’s trying to get a hold of her) and she obviously never has anything nice to say. She hates that man and I can’t say I blame her. I wouldn’t feel right going about this behind her back since she deserves the respect of knowing that I’m communicating with him. If she ever found out that I was talking to him without her knowing, I’m sure she’d be really hurt. Ultimately, she would say that it’s my decision and she would respect whatever choice I make but deep down, I think she’d probably be hurt. I don’t even know if my father wants anything to do with me so this may not end up being an issue at all. The guy has my number so he could call but he never does unless it’s for his own selfish reasons. I just kind of feel like I should at least try before it’s too late. Reaching out to him isn’t for his benefit, it’s for mine. I doubt Darling Husband would be supportive of my decision but this has nothing to do with him.
What would you do if you were in my situation? Do you think I should even bother reaching out to a man who has showed very little interest in me for the last 15 years or should I give it a shot since I’ve got nothing to lose? FWIW, the last time we spoke he concluded our phone call with an “I love you” and I said it back because I didn’t know what else to say. He started crying. That makes me think that there is still something there and maybe he just doesn’t know how to appropriately deal with this situation. If I have to be the mature adult here, I will.
**If you made it to the end of this, +1000 internetz for you!