Post # 1
My SO is very hard to argue with. I feel like I’m fighting a wall. He’s always right and wants to be proven wrong and a lot of times that’s hard.
He’s specified too that sometimes I’m right but usually he’s more right. I want to make our relationship work but since he got a promotion and has more responsibility and stress at work it’s been unbearable. The worst part is he thinks that a lot of our issues are caused by me.
Anyways, I’m trying really hard to make it work. He refuses to get diagnosed and take medication because he thinks it will affect his ability to move up into management as he is doing.
SO’s sister is a Nurse Practitioner and told me that she’s 10000% sure that he has it, as does their mother. She also said that he can’t get meds unless he’s diagnosed and that if he is diagnosed and takes meds it WILL affect his ability to move up into management.
Bees, what do I do? I don’t think I can take this for the rest of my life — I keep thinking it will get better when we’re less stressed, when we’re not living in a shitty apartment with an asshole neighbour downstairs, when we have money and no debt, when I’m done school and able to work.
But then what? There’s ALWAYS stress in life! Then what happens?
Also now I don’t want to have kids with him! The probability that our kid will have it is ridiculously high. But I can’t talk to him about it because he refuses to believe he has anything wrong with himself.
Post # 3
I don’t think unfair fighting is a symptom of bipolar disorder. I think you just have an inflexible, jerky SO when it comes to fighting. If he really thinks that most of your problems are caused by you, and you feel that that isn’t true, then I’m not sure what going on psych meds will do for him. Bipolar disorder is characterized by cycling of manic (not necessarily happy, but more frenzied, active, and impulsive tendencies) and depressive (including sadness, apathy, sleep changes) states. Even with a diagnosis, the meds have to be carefully monitored and tweaked for the rest of his life, and even then not everyone responds well.
You’re right that life will never be stress free. I think it’s up to you if you want to deal with someone who has such a backwards view of fighting bewteen you, and doesn’t handle stress well for the rest of your life.
Post # 4
@kayberry: He is ill and he refuses to accept it. Do you want to live your life like this if he is refusing treatment? I think you know the answer to this question. The only way to stay and be supportive is if he is willing to get some help. I would not not subject myself to a living hell because he wants to be unreasonable about his own health.
Also the PP may have a point as well. He may just be a jerk and has mental illness.
Post # 5
I think you know the answer. Spending your life with someone with a mental illness that he refuses to address is just too much. Your life will be like this unless he decides to get treatment. I know it is hard to leave but it will be better in the long run.
You say you won’t have kid with him. Was that a life goal for you? That would be a huge hole in your life that you would probably hold against him.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 6
@kayberry: Also now I don’t want to have kids with him!
If you want kids, this is a big deal and you should end it. If you have never planned on having kids and don’t want them then this is not a dealbreaker unless he wants kids. Kids are a big deal. You should both want them or both not want them. But if one of you wants them and the other doesn’t then that is a big problem.
Post # 7
Ill be honest, me and my Fiance are going through some really really heavy stuff right now. I know how you feel, I was depressed and we had to live with our parents with our 2 kids, and were broke and in major debt. The past year we were extremely unhappy, always arguring, hated living with my parnts and then the other major thing happened.
But you know, it got better. I got meds, he got an awsome job and for the most part we dont need to worry about money any more. We moved away from my parents, and things have improved 100%.
I dont know what he does for you to think he is bi-polar. I do know alot of people *think* they have it but actually dont. My Fiance gets very stressed over our situation, and is very cranky some days but I honestly cant blame him. But I made a vow to myself the day I decided to stick beside him, and we are working through it. Albeit, having 2 kids makes it much easier to not get up and leave when things are though.
You shouldnt let that be a deciding factor on having children with him. In the larger picture, having a child with a mental disorder is NOT that bad. Both my children were born with craniosynostosis, and both had to have major surgery on their skull before they turned one. They both are susceptible to have behaviour problems, but I dont care! I would do it again in a heart beat.
The sounds of your post makes me think that its not the bi-polar or whatever that is bothering you. It sounds deeper than that, and I get the feeling that you may be using that as an out. I dont have alot of advice, but I think that you should really try to figure out if you love this man enough to stand by him through EVERYTHING in your life. Marriage is for life, and if you cant see yourself with him forever now….whats going to happen in 5-10 years?
Post # 8
@mamadingdong: Yes having kids is a life goal, he wants them too. But only recently have I noticed his behaviours matching with bipolar disorder and it’s made me realize that I don’t want to have kids with him now!
- Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
- Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
- Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
- Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
- Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
- Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
- Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
- Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
He does all of these things. He almost never sleeps and is up frequently in the night. He can be very impulsive, he is a reckless driver, he’s always either yelling and screaming and freaking out or he’s super happy and optimistic.
The arguing is just a related note. He thinks he’s the best person, he’s always right and that I’m always wrong. Yes part of that is that he’s a bit of a jerk sometimes.
Post # 9
Not engaged? I would be out. I couldn’t live with those traits (bipolar or not), and he doesn’t want to get help. Why sign up for that?
I’m NOT against marrying someone with mental illness. I an against marrying someone who won’t get help. And I wouldn’t get engaged to them until they were stable in treatment for minimum 18 months.
I’m very practical about love though. You aren’t just signing up for the person. Love isn’t enough. You are signing up for the type of life you’ll have together, their families, etc. I wouldn’t knowingly sign up for an unstable life, whatever the reason. Things can change later of course, and I accept that risk, but hoping someone will change for the better before you are even engaged is a losing game.
Post # 10
You described all the manic symptoms, but in order for him to be diagnosed he has to have experienced the depressive symptoms too. It’s more often the depressive states that push someone with bipolar disorder to seek help; the opposite is true too, when people are cycling toward mania, that’s when they get off their meds because they think everything is going great and they don’t need help. Unless he is going to harm himself or others, you cannot force him to seek treatment.
Honestly, he sounds immature, reckless, and unfair to you. You’re only 20, you have so, so much time to find someone better than him. You really have to ask yourself, if he never changed at all, and every day of your lives he was like this, would you still marry him? Would you be proud to have a son that turned out like him? If you can’t reasonably answer yes to these questions, I really don’t think you should get married.
Post # 11
@kayberry: with your last post, not only is he emotionally difficult, quite frankly, he sounds like physical risk with reckless driving. I would NOT be living my life with a person who yells and screams.
I would strongly advise you to get out while it is (relatively) easier. Trying to get someone help against their will is a recipe for a tough life.
WHY, other than “I loooooove him,” are you trying to make it work? Be honest. Are you anxious to get married? Do you feel like you won’t find another guy? Do you really want kids in the next few years? Are you living together and breaking up would be hard? Are you scared he’ll go off the deep end if you break up?
His behavior is his to own, but your choice to stay with him is more about you and what your motivations are.
Post # 12
He has depressive moments too. Sometimes he cries and talks about how all life does is ‘shit’ on him and that he can’t catch a break and that he just wants a break.
Post # 13
None of us- you included- are in a position to make a diagnosis. In the end, if he’s not willing to get treated then you have to accept that his behavior today is his behavior going forward. Does it work for you? If not, it’s time to move on.
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I’m so sorry – I can relate somewhat. My Fiance goes through very depressive periods and it’s so hard to love someone and not be able to fix their mental state. However, he feels really badly that it affects our relationship, and he’s very willing to get treatment because I want him to (and he also recognizes the need to address it for himself). If you make it 100% clear to your guy that you NEED him to do this, and he doesn’t – I think that’s your answer. 🙁
I wonder what kind of work he does where being treated for a mental condition would affect his career? That should be 100% private between him, his doctor, and whomever else he wants to share it with. Unless he’s in the military? But regardless, if the choice comes down to furthering his career or taking care of his health, health should be a priority.
Post # 15
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Bipolar is a lifelong disease. It will not magically disappear when the bills are paid or there is no asshole neightbor. If he won’t get medicated for it (and stay on the medication for life) he WILL NOT GET BETTER. Part of the disease is denial and refusal to take medication. If you don’t like the way he acts because of this and you think you cannot handle it then you need to leave. It’s not going to get better and you risk passing down bipolar to your potential children with this man. It”s not a nice to think to say or hear but it runs in my family and it is almost impossible to deal with; the only reason we hang on is because they’re family.
Post # 16
@lolot: He is the manager of a medical lab. They would not hire him for a promotion. They do routine drug tests as well.