(Closed) Pretty upset, DH's little white lies :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

@roxy821:  So your husband lied to you, got caught red-handed, and laughed when you confronted him about it? And this isn’t the first time? Yeah I would say that you have every right to be mad!

It sounds like he isn’t taking your concerns seriously enough. I would tell him if lying is so much “easier” for him that you are about to make it much more difficult!

Post # 4
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

He lies to you and then tells you he does it because it’s easier and laughs about it?  That is beyond disrespectful, disgusting and completely immature.  Even giving him the benefit of the doubt and saying that you’re a crazy control freak (which you TOTALLY don’t sound like you are), it’s still NOT OK.  He needs to talk it out with you and deal with the way you react and fix your reactions if they’re not appropriate, not lie to you.  You need to put your foot down and be stronger about this – lying is NOT OK.  And he needs to learn that.  How can you trust him otherwise?  It sounds like he gets away with this and that’s how he’s learned that it’s ok – does he do this to other people, too?  (Like, does he lie to his family or friends because it’s “easier” than telling the truth?). 

Post # 5
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Lieing is lieing.

If it was easier to lie to me before, it sure as hell wouldn’t be anymore.  I. Guarantee. It.

 

 

Then he laughed about it? Disregarded the fact you were upset ? 

Oh, no. We would be having a ” come to Jesus ” talk real soon.

 

Post # 8
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I really don’t think your husband is a “bad guy” or intentionally trying to hurt or disrespect you. I think the way men rationalize things sometimes is….dumb. A few years ago before we lived together

My fiance would do the same thing. He would say he was going somewhere, but then I would find out later that he went somewhere else instead. In his mind, it was just easier to tell me he was going to one place instead of giving me a long schedule of what he really did. Was I upset when I found out? Sure. But remember men don’t do details as well as women do, and they rationalize things completely differently.

Post # 9
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Grr…I’m mad and annoyed for you. It’s “easier” to lie? 

I would sit him down (again) when the two of you aren’t heated (like right after you find out he’s lying) and let him know how hurtful these little white lies are. Tell him that you need to be truthful with him, b/c you trust him. And the little white lies are putting itty bitty cracks in that trust, and then you’re going to full out not trust him anymore and anything he says. And he certainly doesn’t want that. What he’s doing right now is so incredibly disrespectful. Why is it so hard to tell you that he’s going out with the owner of the bar and a few other people rather than say he’s going back to his house? I mean, what’s the difference there? How is it easier? I just think you really need to lay it out there and turn the situation around on him. How would he like it if you started lying about stupid, silly things b/c it was “easier”? I’m sure he wouldn’t appreciate being lied to either.

Post # 10
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

@roxy821:  It kind of depends on how you’ve responded before. I was being a bit flippant in my original post, what I was trying to get at is that you should make it clear to him that he’s incentivizing snooping with his behavior.

When he lies over stuff that you wouldn’t really get that upset about in the first place he’s sending the message that the only way you can get the truth out of him is by looking through his stuff. He also is sending the message that when he wants to go out and do something fun you shouldn’t trust him when he says where he’s going. He’s shooting himself in the foot over the long term and I don’t think he gets that.

This sort of thing (to me at least) requires a little foot-stomping and fury on your end to get that point across.  

Post # 11
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@roxy821:  Sit him down and talk to him about it.  Tell him if he lies to you one more time, there will be consequences to pay (ask yourself what you’re willing to do and how far you’re willing to go?). Tell him that the trust has been broken and he needs to build that trust again.  Ask him to prove his work schedule to you and tell him he’s not allowed to just make plans at the last minute and go.  If he wants to lie, he has to suffer the consequences.  He clearly thinks that lying avoids fights – well, show him that lying is worse. 

I don’t know if this is the BEST advice.. because I’ve never had to deal with this before, maybe there are other bees who have? 

Personally, I feel like if you don’t have trust, what do you have?  It’s not just that he’s lying to you, but he’s lying to you to avoid listening and respecting how you feel about certain things he does.  You didn’t want him coaching (maybe you were right, maybe you were wrong, that’s irrelevant, the relevant part is that you didn’t want him coaching) and then he did it anyway and lied to you about it to avoid hearing it from you. 

You should also sit down and ask him what he’s afraid of happening if he tells you the truth. Maybe you can come up with a solution that works – maybe he doesn’t like the way you tell him you don’t like something and maybe that can be changed. 

But as long as he acts like a little kid – doing what he wants and lying about it to cover up, like he’s living at home with parents who are overprotective or something – I would certainly treat him like one. 

Post # 12
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Wow, that is really frustrating and immature. Men in general avoid confrontation, but for him to laugh about it? Let him know how seriously you are taking it, and that you’ll start to question everything he tells you… hopefully he respects you and the fact that you’re trusting (and not jealous!) and will get his $hit together.

Post # 13
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

I would be pissed because if he lies then laughs about it, it would make me worried if he is lying about bigger issues and not telling me. Also the going out after the bar and lying, big red flag for me, I’d be livid.

I’d tell him you won’t stand for the lying and since you are 8.5 months pregnant he should be home with you, not out partying all night like a 21 year old, I mean will he continue staying out until all hours when the baby arrives? That would be a big hell no in my book!

Post # 14
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

you should talk to him about this.  he says lying is easier but tell him that it is definitely more harmful to your relationship than just telling you the truth from the start.  tell him that in the end, it’s easier to accept the truth (even if you don’t like it) than to accept constant lies.

Post # 15
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

“if you’re going to lie, then I’m not going to trust a single word you say”.

Aka his life will be hell because he keeps lying.

Post # 16
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My fiance does this sort of thing where he says he’s gone somewhere and it turns out it was somewhere else but at the very bottom of the foundation of our relationship I trust him so if he’s “lying” about where he’s been I just think it’s just to omit details of the night that aren’t important or because he know’s I’ll be pissed that he stayed out longer than he said he would or didn’t come home like he said he would.

Saying “I’m going back to a mates house” when really he was with said mate and they were out all night, sounds more like they were lying because they didn’t want to get “told off”

You put “so I’ve always just had to learn to trust him” which implies to me that you’ve had trust issues in relationships in the past and this whole issue has rubbed you up the wrong way.

If it bothers you that he’s telling you little white lies you should tell him that and tell him you don’t appreciate a lie, how ever small it is. If however you think he might just lie to avoid confrontation about doing something you don’t like ie, coaching or staying out late and drinking then it might be something you need to work out together as he’s only going to continue “lying” if he think’s it’ll get him in bigger trouble for telling the truth.

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