Post # 1
I’m posting under a pseudonym because Fiance would be upset if he knew I was saying these things about his family, even though they’re all true.
His parents and grandparents are very conservative, both politically and religiously. We’ve never asked them how they feel about homosexuality, but we can tell that they have a problem with it (for example, after we saw Brokeback Mountain, we were telling his parents how good it was and his mother made a face and said “I would never, ever see that movie.”) They are from a small town in a rural area, and they’re just not used to seeing gay people, ever.
Now, one of my best friends is a guy that I’ve been close to since we were 13. He is gay and he and his partner will be attending the wedding.
I’m so nervous that one of FI’s relatives will say something about my friend and his boyfriend if they dance together, kiss, or show any type of affection. They are not rude people, so I don’t think that any of them will intentionally make a scene if they see the two men holding hands. But I’m still worried that they might do something to offend my friend. Maybe they’ll make a comment that my friend and his partner overhear. Maybe they’ll stare. Maybe they’ll…I don’t know, something else that will make my friend and his Boyfriend or Best Friend uncomfortable.
I brought this up to Fiance and he was pretty offended. He said “My family aren’t homophobes” although in the next sentence he admitted that they’re very turned off by homosexuality.
What would you do if you were me? Tell FI’s family beforehand that my very good gay friend and his partner will be there, and that if they make him uncomfortable, I will be very, very, VERY upset? Or not bring it up beforehand at all? Maybe I can talk to FI’s sisters, who are totally not homophobic and ask them to keep an eye on the older members of the family?
This might not be a big deal at all, but I can’t relax about it.
Post # 3
Honestly, this probably isn’t the first time the couple has experienced an awkward moment or rude comment. This is obviously very unfortunate that it happens in our society, however it does. (I really am not saying this to be callous.) I probably wouldn’t bring it up ahead of time because it’s not like they are going to change their minds about what they believe. Talking to your FI’s sisters ahead of time and asking them to “keep an eye on the older members of the family” just kind of puts them in an awkward position – what could they really do anyways – I really doubt they want to reprimand an elderly relative of theirs!
Post # 4
I know that it won’t be the first time that they’ve experienced a rude comment, but I will be devastated if they experience one at my own wedding, you know?
Post # 5
hmmm….i wouldnt say anything more to Fiance about it. But, talk to your friend about it, and let him know that its something that has been bothering you and you are worried that FI’s family might say something to offend them…you might be surprised to learn that your friend might be used to this (unfortunate) show of behavior to a degree, so they might just laugh it off, which in turn will help you feel less anxiety over the situation…
I think at least giving your friend the “heads up” might prepare him for the “just in case” scenario.
Post # 6
Well it sucks that your Fiance isn’t seeing things the same way. Are you sure you have it right? Maybe he’s right and it won’t be a big deal. But it’s good you have your Future Sister-In-Law to talk to. Maybe you could invite her over, and the three of you can talk. Maybe in this circumstance she would have more credibility with your Fiance. Or if she agrees with him, it will ease your mind.
If one of them agrees something needs to be said, I would allow them to say it to family members. (No ultimatums or emotional stuff. Just letting them know a gay couple will be attending.) If neither thinks it’s necessary, I would just leave it. (ie. Don’t you start the convo.)
But I would probably CYA with the gay couple and give them heads up about the potential atmosphere in the room. It’s likely not their first rodeo of that nature.
Post # 7
I would honestly invite him. He is a close friend and everyone should understand that. My family is very old fashioned and dont believe in Gay Marriage or any homosexuality. I invited my gay friends to our wedding. I did not care what others thought, they were there for me and not to please people. If the older people make comments, apparently they are immature for their ages. By The Way:Brokeback Mountain was a good movie. 🙂
Post # 8
Just don’t bring it up. I don’t know your Future In-Laws, but I think there are people who wouldn’t go out of their way to see Brokeback Mountain, who still wouldn’t snicker at or do anything to offend a gay couple at a wedding or any other social gathering.
I think you would offend the Future In-Laws if you bring it up to them. I think your fiance knows his own family best, so I’d defer to him on this one.
Post # 9
Beronicab – it was never an issue of whether or not I should invite him. He’s invited.
Post # 10
I am also in a similar situation. I have just said in passing coversation, oh yeah, so and so and his boyfriend will be there too. I have done this on the phone and have been met with some stunned silences, but then I just go on to the next topic like nothing happened. If those guests choose not come, in our opinion, they don’t need to be there. Of course we will be sad, but we know the people that really care about us and love us will be there. I don’t think we will have a problem. Gay people get negative comments all of the time and they just choose to ignore them, for the most part. If anyone causes trouble at our wedding/reception, we will just ask them to leave. I have a wedding planner, so I will probably assign her this duty. She is much tougher and much more diplomatic than I am when it comes to confrontation. The only guests that I am worried about is my FI’s mom and my stepdad. I am also going to have the “problem” people at at table as far away from them as possible.
Post # 11
I would guess that most people would be classy enough not to make comments at your wedding reception. My FIs parents are gay, and there will be a number of gay couples there. My parents are accepting, but conservative. It could be awkward for people, but I don’t think at any time, ANYONE would be rude enough to say something. It hurts too many people’s feelings. If you think it could potentally be something that causes a scene, you might want to give your parents a heads up, so they don’t have to add the emotion of “shock” into the day.
Post # 12
I doubt that they will say anything blatantly rude to your friends. I am from a very rural, conservative area as well, and while I know my husband’s family would talk about it later, they would never say anything in front of said gay friends. Most people know that it would be rude and inappropriate to do so at your wedding, even if they think it is OK to talk about it later.
If your Fiance doesn’t seem to think it’s something to worry about, I’m sure you don’t really need to.
Post # 13
I would prepare your friend behind the scenes but not say anything to ‘prepare’ FI’s family. Like others have said I’m sure this won’t be the first time they encounter some resistance to their relationship or dirty looks. I wouldn’t give your friend instructions on how to behave, but just warn him that FI’s parents are a little homophobic and you didn’t want that to come as a shock.
Post # 14
I wouldn’t say anything to his family but I would mention it your friends so that they are aware.
Post # 15
I wouldn’t bring it up with his family. They might not ever notice gay men in the room, but if they’re informed, they could make things awkward when it could of been avoided. It is what it is, some people are still… close minded. If anything, I’d tell your friend that your FI’s family is this way, not that they should alter how they behave, but just so its not a total shock.
Post # 16
I would warn your gay friends that there will be some homophobes at the wedding, just to give them a heads up.