(Closed) Private Paris Ceremony-can I still have bridal shower and "reception"

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
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  • Wedding: May 2016

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MarriedToMyWork:  Since you were referring to me without saying it…maybe you shouldn’t be so judgmental about your cousins. I know for a fact that the people around us will not be judging us for doing anything the way we are planning on. Sorry you felt the need to judge your cousin, unless she was awful and pitched a fit about gifts (which is completly different). Also, you don’t know mine or the OP’s situation for wanting to go away. You do not know that any of our guest will lie to us, hopefully they are different than you and will be honest with us if they ever feel like that. 

Post # 17
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1987 posts
Buzzing bee

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ksn1219:  I assure you that my initial judgment about my cousins being greedy and seeing other people as nothing more than supporting bit players whose #1 role in life should be to celebrate them and pay attention to them has been borne out again and again.

It is true that I don’t know for a fact that your guests will lie and say they are OK with your decisions when they actually are not.  However, I do know that in every single case I know of where someone has done things like invite people to mandatory gift-giving events like showers without also inviting them to the actual wedding, more than one person (not counting myself) has found such behavior to be offputting.  

Post # 18
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  • Wedding: May 2016

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MarriedToMyWork:  Okay, that doesn’t mean that everyone else will act like that. I know for myself that I don’t want to deal with all the bullshit that comes along with a wedding. If my friends want to throw me a shower, there is no reason for them not to. Even if they won’t be there for the “actual” wedding. 

Post # 19
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Buzzing bee

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ksn1219:  I’m sure your case is special and different.  Best of luck with your plans.

Post # 20
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Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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MarriedToMyWork:  EXACTLY!

Though for me it’s not about not being invited to the ceremony and then being invited to the shower. It’s being invited to the shower in general, when it feels like they’re just doing it to get gifts.  

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by  robin2015.
Post # 21
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2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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aspasia475:  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  As always, the perfect answer.

Post # 22
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Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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Em013:  So . . . you’re worried about people being able to afford travel to your not-wedding?  I don’t understand.  If you have to get married in the US, and you’re having a reception, why not make Paris your honeymoon?  That way you can get married with your families there, since that’s what you seem to want.

Post # 23
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Buzzing bee

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robin2015:  Yes, I agree–I do agree with Aspasia in that there are certain (in my experience, rare) instances where someone could be invited to a shower without being invited to a wedding, and that if one’s friends who are not invited to a wedding absolutely insist on throwing a low-key shower to which one’s very closest intimates are invited and there is no pressure to buy expensive gifts or judgment against those who do not wish to participate, there would be repercussions to not cheerfully accepting that event in one’s honor.  (I would argue though, that if a bride has expressly asked that there be no showers because such events make her uncomfortable, that her friends should respect that.) 

However, I can’t remember the last time I saw a low-key shower with a carefully chosen guest list; all my recent shower invitations have been for flashy events with 50+ person guest lists and prominently displayed registries with expensive items.  I confess that my thinking on this is also driven by my belief that part of making the choice not to deal with the hassle of a wedding is accepting the fact that you may not get to be fawned over at multiple different types of events like showers and bachelorettes.  I cannot help but raise my eyebrows at people who claim that they dislike attention and are low-key and that is why they are not going through the hassle of a wedding, yet do not seem to mind being the center of attention at events that they are not paying for and that are expressly about fawning over them (and, in the case of showers) giving them presents.

Post # 24
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  • Wedding: May 2016

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MarriedToMyWork:  The showers you described sound beyond ridiculous… 

Since what I plan on doing cause you to raise your eyebrow, I will explain myself further since I didn’t feel like typing it out in the beginning. When I said I didn’t want to deal with the bullshit of a wedding, this is what I meant. Both of my parents have passed away and my grandfather who was basically my dad. So I have no living family left. My FI’s mom has also passed away and his grandfather that was also like his dad. We do not want to plan a “normal” wedding because it would be sad to realize all of our family that we are missing. It’s already going to be an emotional time and it would be even more emotional when it becomes real that I have no one to walk me down the isle, when we can’t do father/daugther, mother/son dances, none of that. We want this to be a happy time in our lives, not where we are sad all day realizing who’s not there. 

So no, I do not think because I don’t want to deal with this, it automatically means that I should not recieve a shower or have a bachelorette party. That is insane. Like I already said, if my friend wants to throw me a shower, then she can throw me a damn shower. I’m not going to be like “oh no, don’t do that.”, that would be rude. 

Post # 25
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1987 posts
Buzzing bee

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ksn1219:  I’m sorry about the passing of your relatives.  Perhaps people who are very, very close to you will indeed be more understanding in your case.

Post # 26
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5362 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

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MarriedToMyWork:  You don’t have to be “very, very” close to use to understand our reasoning. If you know us in any way, you understand that this is the best way for us. Hopefully they won’t lie or judge us, or talk about how “greedy” we are behind our backs… Glad you’re not invited to our wedding. 

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