(Closed) Probably Overanalyzing, but…

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee

Three words: Mr. Bee’s Plan.

Post # 4
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I don’t mean to sound terrible, but I read alot of these waiting posts and think to myself. If I was the guy I would just leave if she was bothering me so much about it. From my standpoint if I had constantly hounded Darling Husband I would wonder if he did it because he wanted to or only because I bothered and threatened.  I wonder if someone has done a study on divorce and if men who are pressured to propose, marriages end more often in divorce. I would imagine that they would. I couldn’t imagine leaving someone I loved because he hadn’t proposed to me yet. 

Post # 5
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Congrats, sounds like some progress was made! 

Post # 7
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

It sounds as though you have given him the ultimatum and he hasn’t responded. If you are serious, then just leave the relationship. You’re threatening, he doesn’t care, and then you’re just staying in the same position as before. So your threats probably no longer mean anything to him.

I don’t at all think that you are any of the words you described, I just however have a hard time understanding when it gets to the point where a woman feels like she has to do this. If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you both and how long have you been together for? how long have you lived together for?

 

Post # 8
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t blame you.  I think you have a right to know how someone you are sharing your life with feels about you.  I understand that, at a certain point in a relationship, it can be hurtful when your partner tells you he is “unsure” about you.  I think if a person wants to get married, they deserve to know whether the person they are with sees that in their future.  I think you did the right thing in at least getting him to think about it.  A lot of people are very judgmental toward the waiting bees.  I don’t know how you can say “I would never leave my SO if he wouldn’t get married” if you haven’t been there yourself. 

 

Post # 9
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree with you, if he had any negativity toward you/ your note he would not have been cuddly. Maybe he is now understanding how serious you are about moving forward. Hang in there sweetie!

Post # 10
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Edit: sent you a PM

Post # 11
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@LoveMyDogs: I totally agree with you, but I think maybe it’s the way that you phrased it that maybe seemed a little off putting? To me, it read like someone still sitting back and letting someone else control things because you’re asking him just to think about it – not even to make a decision. That’s not really direct, IMVHO. He could think about it and come up with, “sure that might be cool one day,” which doesn’t seem to be what you want.

What I mean by that is instead of saying, “Will you please think about whether or not you want to marry me,” you should consider the approach of, “I want to be married and it’s something that is important to me, and if that’s not something that you see in the future then I’m not sure this will work.” You’re not asking him to do anything and you’re making your expectations clear.

And then, go back to the Mr. Bee plan and be quiet about it. No one wants to have the conversation about it every few days. Even though you’ve been waiting for MONTHS (and I feel your pain because I have too), the nagging (and frankly that’s what it is) isn’t going to help at all.

Consider setting your own internal timeline for yourself. Let him know that you won’t wait forever, and then go on about life. If he hasn’t made any changes in “X” amount of time (and, no, you don’t have to tell him your internal deadline) then you should think long and hard about how much longer you’re willing to wait and when it’s a deal breaker for you.

In the past year, I’ve found that by NOT talking about marriage, my SO seems even more interested in it to the point where he’ll watch wedding shows with me, and I even sent him a ring recently and got a positive response. I do plan on having my “put up or shut up” talk with him in the near future, but until then I’m letting it go. He knows what I want; just like your SO knows what you want. It’s what they do with that knowledge that we can’t control, unfortunately.

Hope This Helps

Post # 12
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@MissBoston: you gave a whole 20¢ there 😛

If I remember, the OP has a pretty solid idea of what breaking up will mean, so she’s not offering idle threats… but if you’ve been in any relationship for more than just a few months (or even a few years), especially if you’ve lived together, you’re pretty much in almost the same boat as a divorce without the sympathy and understanding people feel whena  divorce happens (think about how you react to a couple “just breaking up” and a couple getting a divorce and you know what I mean).

That said, @LoveMyDogs:  I understand why you want him to make up his mind, and you want him to give YOU an answer… but in the case he can’t or won’t, you still have to decide to “be the ‘bad’ guy”.  He’s not going to go on his own, saying, “yeah, I guess since I’m not feeling positive in one way or another about marraige to you I should go and leave you free to find a happy life free of being in limbo like we are now.”  You’re still going to have to be the one to say, “I love you, but after giving you more than ample time, being incredibly honest about what I NEED and want in life to be happy and fulfilled, you without marraige YOU are not willing or able to give me that, so I need you to find your own place to live.  Starting this week, you will sleep on the couch and you have X amount of days to find other lodging.” etc.

It sucks, and I don’t know where your man is in the whole state of marraige-mindedness, but it doesn’t sound like eh’s quite where you need him to be.  I know you dont want to give up, or you wouldn’t be almost begging him to decide already, but you’ll need to probably start going through the motions of moving on if he is too comfortable or not taking your ultimatum seriously.  Either he has a tentative plan in mind, or he thinks he can still coast through life.  Only you will know which one – I hope it’s the former.

Post # 13
Member
3012 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@mwitter80: I feel the exact same way as you.

Post # 14
Member
37 posts
Newbee

I don’t get why the OP asked her Boyfriend or Best Friend to “think about it”.  Really, what is there to think about?  You either want to be with someone forever or you don’t.  If you have to “think about” whether you WANT something, then you don’t really want it!

I get that she’s trying to be fair by giving him a “chance” to go over things, but I would not be happy in this situation.  I happen to think I am good enough to have a boyfriend who doesn’t have to sit around and wonder if I am good enough to be with forever.

I have totally been in this situation before.  I was with my ex for 4 years and we had a child together.  EVERY single reference to marriage was met with a “maybe” or “we’ll see”.  We were both in our 30’s and were done with college.  We lived together in a house, too.

One day, while cooking breakfast on a Sunday morning, I realized our 4 year anniversary was a month away.  I said very casually that perhaps next month would be a great opportunity for us to get married at the town hall, and we can reserve a bed and breakfast for the weekend to celebrate our marriage.  He said he still needed more “time” to make sure it’s right or not.  I said “okay” and I ate breakfast.

I moved out that evening and met someone else 6 weeks later.  The DAY AFTER I met this new person, my ex PROPOSED – RING AND ALL.  I said “no”, because I just had a great date with a sweet guy.  Sorry, I lost all desire to be married.  When someone just doesn’t see my worth after FOUR years, I lost interest.  I want someone to think I am as special as I think I am!!!

Fast forward 18 months.  The guy I had a date with became my serious Boyfriend or Best Friend and he is now dragging his feet with marriage talk.  He wants things to be “better” with us first.  Fine, but I won’t let him delay this forever.  I plan on letting him know  (in a nice way) that I am not putting myself on sale forever and I plan on having one more child WITH marriage in my future.  I won’t wait past our 2 year mark, so he need to figure this out on his own before then.

 

Post # 15
Member
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Well, you are in the same exact situation as me.  I told my SO this weekend to figure it out because I do not want to wait anymore.  I had this conversations before and he always is more affectionate afterwards.  I think he is just trying to make me feel better.  I wrote my SO a letter too but he will not bring any of that stuff up.  I’m the one who has to bring it up.  I’m done talking about it.  I told him the same thing as you.  You either decide to marry me or don’t.  If you don’t then be fair to me and let me know so I can move on with my life with someone who wants the same things as I do.  I’m not going to bring it up anymore.  I put my cards on the table as you have so it’s up to him now.  I’m giving him till V-day to let me know his decision.  I think you are doing the right thing.  You need to know now!!  Why wait for life to pass you by.  He should know by now after all the years and the things you have gone though.  I feel your fustration.  I hope he figures it out soon!!

Post # 16
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

I just want to send hugs to all of you- I know exactly how you guys feel. I hope you men MAN up and figure it out- this isn’t Ok for them to put this off and leave you in limbo.

The topic ‘Probably Overanalyzing, but…’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors