(Closed) Probably the weirdest wedding situation EVER. Anyone else in my boat??

posted 8 years ago in Legal
Post # 47
Member
1853 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ok. I looked into changing my last name when I was single fpr family and personal reasons.

 It was expensive and a pain in the butt. Not only do you have to pay the fee, but you need to publish an add in the paper (that meets your local legal guidelines) for about a week (California), go to a hearing and explain yourself. People who know about said name change can go to this hearing and make their voices heard about your name change.

 

Seriously-just get married. It’s easier.

Post # 48
Member
3680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This isn’t the “weirdest wedding situation EVER” because it’s not a wedding situation. You’re not getting married. And honestly, with all the trouble you’re going to, I can’t believe you don’t want to follow through and actually sign the paper. You’re worried about divorce? Then why are you even trying to change your name? I don’t know, I just don’t get this whole post.

Post # 49
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I agree. I think if you should have a committment ceremony, if you want to have something. I would feel hurt and decieved if I attended a friend or family members “wedding”, and later found out they were not legally married.

Post # 50
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I agree with other posters, this seems like a lot of work (and money) to make it appear that your married (instead of legally getting married) for no real reason besides not wanting to sign a piece of paper.

I also don’t understand why it cost so much for you to get a marriage license AND change your name… Our marriage license was $60 and at MOST cost me $50 to change my name on my SS card and license (and about $100 if I want to get a new passport), it seems like it would cost more than that to change your name without getting married.

Post # 51
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@RayKay:  That’s true, but a lot of people are jumping on OP for calling her wedding a wedding since they won’t be legally getting married.  I knew my friends were already married because it was my best friend, but I was one of only about 5 people who knew they were actually already married.  My point was that as a wedding guest I don’t think usually give any thought to the legal stuff and don’t really think it’s that big of a deal from the guests’ perspective. 

Post # 52
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@Bostongrl25:  

View original reply
@cmbr:  

Completely agree with these two. What is the purpose of going to so much effort to be NOT married? It would be a hell of a lot easier to just sign the piece of paper. There’s either some underlying reason here or some fear going on. You’re willing to go through having any health (or god forbid, death) issues be a total pain in the ass, the trouble and money of having your name changed without getting married, lying to the officiant, having things be super difficult if either of you have a change in your job or insurance situation, not benefitting from the extra money you’dd get back in taxes…all for what? Because it’s that disturbing to you for there to be a piece of paper on file saying that you’re married? Because you want to save $95? Or because you’re afraid of a divorce – which, hello, you have kids and a house, splitting up wouldn’t be simple anyways. And I don’t think you should be having a wedding if you’re not going through with the actual marriage because you may want to split up someday. Being realistic is a good thing since obviously divorce does happen, but that’s why people should have serious discussions and pre-marital counseling and work to protect their marriage. Yeah, I guess just not getting married is easier, but then you don’t get a wedding either – because yes, they go together.

 

You’re not having a wedding because you’re not getting married – the two go together (exceptions for gay couples that aren’t allowed to legally wed due to other people’s bigotry aside). And whoever said that marriage and weddings don’t go together because of elopements…what? No. An elopement is still a wedding, because it is when you get married. A ceremony in a courthouse is still a wedding, because at the end you’re married. If it has nothing to do with you getting married, you have no business calling it a wedding – because it’s not one, it’s a party where you’re playing pretend with something that obviously people on a MARRIAGE/WEDDING board consider to be very important and dear to them.

Post # 53
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

If you’re going to jump through all the legal loopholes to make your lives seem like you’re married without being married you may as well just get married. Just seems like you’re making things hard for yourself.

Post # 54
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
@lochnessy:  actually pre nups are much more important for people who aren’t mega rich. if i lose 50% of 5 million, i’m still fine. if i lost 50% of 100,000 dollars i’d be hooped.

also –  i’m not sure about the legalities in the states, but saying that people have the right to visit you is NOT the same as making end of life decisions. just be very careful about that – there are all sorts of things that state agencies are supposed to do – and don’t!

your ‘faux’ wedding isn’t something i’d choose – and i do think that saying ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ is sort of ridiculous and intentionally simplistic – but i still wish you a wonderful wedding day, and lots of happiness!

Post # 55
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Back to giving impressions… 

Because there is no logical, socially acceptable reason readily apparent to folks on this thread for the OP’s actions, many assume (possibly correctly, possibly incorrectly) that the OP is trying to game the system. Maybe alimony, maybe welfare or other State benefits, maybe one or both partners are still legally married to someone else.  We won’t know till the OP fills in the blanks. 

But the point is— even if there’s some super secret reason that no one here has thought of, it is percieved as sneaky and wrong, and therefore it shouldn’t be done.

Let’s compare to business ethics.  Let’s say you’re a contract approver and you’re hiring for construction on a new office for your company. One of your cousins has a contracting firm and wants to put in a bid. You don’t tell anyone that it is your cousin’s company. That company happens to submit the lowest price bid. You award them the contract— that is the right thing to do, pick the lowest cost vendor.  Three months later, your CEO discovers through random circumstance that the company that just got the $1 million construction job is owned by the cousin of the person reviewing the bids.  Even though you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, you are giving the appearance of cronyism and unethical behavior.  The right thing to do would have been to disclose to the CEO that you had a relationship with the contractor before the contract was awarded.  Now you’re out of a job and your reputation might be permanently damaged.  You didn’t technically do anything wrong, but it sure looks like you did!

Comparing to a couple who legally weds on one day and has a “wedding” a few weeks or a few months later is not an accurate comparison, because at the end of the day, the couple is, indeed, married.  It’s like getting a promotion at work but not having a Happy Promotion happy hour till 6 weeks later: not worth getting hung up on the details, because schedules in life don’t always work the way we want them to. It doesn’t matter because the event we’ve been invited to celebrate ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

OP if you want to jump through all these hoops to keep your benefits or your alimony or whatever, that’s all fine and good, but be up front with your guests. Invite them to a unity ceremony, a family blessing, whatever you want to call it. Don’t call it a wedding. The secret will come out. I can guarantee you that if you tell people up front “we are not going through with the legal side of things but want to celebrate our commitment,” they will be FAR more understanding than if they find out months or years down the road. 

The truth always comes out.  

Post # 56
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

i dont get what the issue with getting legally married if you’re binding yourselves financially and legally in every other possible way. if anything it’s more work to get all the legal documnets drawn up to make sure you have all the widow rights. SUCH as to see them in the hospital on their deathbed, inheritance, TAX planning purposes.

Inheritances for example are tax free between married couples. but you will pay tax on anything you “inherit” from each other.

It’s quite careless not to especially if you’re considering children or have existing separate children.

You should seek legal counsel to make sure you are comfortable with all aspects of this before refusing to sign a marriage contract and have it recognized by the government.

and yeah for the common law thing. if you’re together over 10 years in most states i think they consider you married.

Post # 57
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
@fishbone:  i think if there’s a case of one of them receiving alimony and wanting to game the system though, there’s enough records and picture evidence of said “wedding” whether “faux” or not, that the judge would easily rule against them.

 

Post # 58
Member
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I read every comment, and the story doesn’t add up. Why this aversion to a legally recognized marriage? $18k is a LOT to be spending on what is going to be essentially a farce. are you trying to commit fraud or something?

Post # 59
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee

I keep checking back to this thread for an update. I really hope the OP comes back and offers some explanation

Post # 60
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014 - South Bonson Pier & Community Centre

Hey just wanted to chime in since a lot of these responses seem really negative. I would worry about the possible down the line issues (healthcare decisions, for example) but Ive heard of many people getting married without the government involved. I think with common law laws you might already be official whether you like it or not, but I see this kind of thing on offbeatbride.com all the time! good luck & congratulations!

Post # 61
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I don’t know how common law works where you live… Here, when you have a common law partner, you have the responsibilities of a married couple (paying taxes etc), but you don’t have the same rights if the partner gets sick or dies. Personally I would be more worried about being able to take care of my sick partner or hold on to my house if he dies, than to deal with a nasty divorce. Why not marry with a prenup?

But you probably already know all that and you’re comfortable not being married… So I hope you have a great celebration of love party.

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