(Closed) Probably the weirdest wedding situation EVER. Anyone else in my boat??

posted 8 years ago in Legal
Post # 77
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Actually this is the weirdest wedding situation. Wanting to do everything but making your marriage legal, but you want to change your name? Why? To make is appear as though your married but not actually are? For cheating the govt or what? And making your guests believe you are husband and wife and give you gifts at your wedding that really isn’t a wedding but we’re going to call it a wedding because our guests don’t have to know?

To answer your questions: No, no one is in the same boat and majority of us are against how you are proceeding. Just our opinion though but that’s why you came here, right?

Post # 78
2424 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t know where you had to pay $295 to change your name, but marriage is a reason that you are allowed to change your name with the Social Security administration for free. So your argument that you are saving money by not getting married makes no sense. The only time you have go through a court approved name change is for a reason other than marriage/divorce. All I paid in legal fees when we got married was a $40 for a marriage license.

Post # 81
3942 posts
Honey bee

This still makes no sense to me. Why not take that $18,000 and pay off some of the debt from your divorces? Start your “marriage” off with a fresh start and put those bad memories behind you.

I can understand that marriage left a bitter taste. But you are acting as though you are married and going through extra steps to have the same rights as a married couple. So I can’t understand why not just sign that piece of paper?

Post # 82
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

View original reply
@lochnessy:  I guess the bottom line of most of these responses is to be prepared for people to not accept your marriage as valid because you don’t have a license.  Do you have to tell people you aren’t getting a license? No.  But if something were to come up years later and your friends/family found out you weren’t legally married would you be embarassed or upset?

For what it’s worth, I think both of your horrible divorce experiences would lead you to the opposite end of the spectrum in the event of divorce where you both would just hurry up and agree.  There is such a thing as an uncontested divorce when the parties agree on the issues of property, etc…  We filed our uncontested divorce on March 10 and we were divorced a few weeks later.  I could have made it ugly but I really just wanted to be divorced so I agreed to settle everything as quickly as possible so I could move on.

Post # 83
9821 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly this reads to me like you don’t want to be legally married just in case you would get divorced. Sorry but I don’t get it.

Post # 84
3075 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
@Bostongrl25:  Why not take that $18,000 and pay off some of the debt from your divorces? Start your “marriage” off with a fresh start and put those bad memories behind you.


Post # 86
9081 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@lochnessy:  There ARE no pros. It makes no sense. It would be one thing if you were philosophically opposed, or protesting marriage inequality for LGBT, or just straight up too lazy to mosey on down to the court house. But none of these is true in your case. You can do what you want (obviously) but it makes no sense, and it is deceitful to let people come to your “wedding” with gifts when you’re not really getting married. It is absolutely nobody’s business whether you’re married or not, UNTIL you make it their business by inviting them to your wedding and carrying on as if you’re married. It just seems bizarre and suspicious is all. 

Post # 87
2930 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

View original reply
@lochnessy:  Most people are just coming out as confused about your plans. Also, at least at first, comments were highlighting situations where not having a legal marriage could really hurt in the long run. 

Regarding your friends and family – I would hope that most of them know the two of you well enough that they would understand your choice not to be legally married. To that end, I think they do deserve to know the full truth if you choose to continue on this path. That way there aren’t any potential negative feelings to mar a day meant to celebrate your love.

I completely understand why neither of you are keen on getting legally married again. I was there just a few months before becoming engaged, and it took more than a few long, heart to heart conversations with Fiance before I opened up to the idea of marriage again. I didn’t go through a bitter divorce like the both of you, but my previous marriage left me seriously opposed of jumping into it again. I would have been perfectly content to just live together in perpetuity with Fiance. However, I wouldn’t have gone through all of the other legal hoops the two of you are willing to jump to have everything except the legal marriage. I don’t say that with judgement, just pointing out the difference.

You really seem to WANT to be married based on everything you’re willing to do. That’s the part that concerns me. You talk about being committed to each other for life and all of that, but TBH your actions don’t back you up. There is a huge fear of the legal committment here that just screams to me that you’re NOT ready to make that statement of everlasting love to your friends and family. It tells me that, on some level, neither of you seem to trust the other not to be hurtful if a break up occurs down the road. That’s not necessarily the truth, but it is the message coming through. Regardless, it’s really good that y’all are continuing to have an active discussion about this. Good luck with whichever decision you make!

Post # 88
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

For those of you who are casual about the legal protections provided by state reconized marriage, let me tell you that I had dinner two nights ago with our 70 year old gay friend whose partner died 3 years ago. Partner’s family got all of the money, around half a million. My 70 year old friend is still cleaning houses because he doesn’t have enough money to live on.

Scoff at the legal ties if you like, but I never have and this sad situation is an illustration of what can happen.

Legal protections can be advantageous, but there are responsibilities and disadvantages in a legally reconized union. In some circumstances a legal union may NOT be advisable. I just don’t get that the OP has a reason (though she may, and is just not sharing it. And that’s ok!)


Post # 89
433 posts
Helper bee

View original reply

Just get married legally.  You`re seriously spending $18000 on a wedding without getting married?  You’re logic doesn’t make any sense.  If you don’t believe in marriage and you think it’s just a meaningless piece of paper then don’t have a wedding.  If you do want to have your committment ceremony and vow to spend your lives together then just fill out the damn papers and make it a real marriage.

Post # 90
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@lochnessy:  If your best friend were doing this and it meant so much to her that you be there, knowing how much effort she and her partner put into it would you really shun her and say no because it wouldn’t be legalized?

I wouldn’t shun her…but I would tell her that I thought it seemed kind of dumb (we’re blunt with eachother, she wouldn’t be offended), and then I would basically say everything I said in my post. And if she didn’t tell me and I found out after that she had lied and I’d gone to all the trouble of doing all the things I would do for my best friends wedding when she wasn’t actually getting married, yeah, I’d be angry. It’s pretty obvious from your followup posts that fear of divorce is the reason you don’t want to make this legal. I’m sorry but my honest opinion is that you shouldn’t be having a wedding at all, fake or not, if that’s how you feel.

Post # 91
1123 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’ve seen other bees write about this but you may want to look up your state laws.

In many states, presenting yourself as husband and wife is all it takes to be married, you will be common law which if it comes down to it, has to be ended in divorce. It’s the same thing only without the paper but you will be technically married and will be able to change your name.

In some states they have a time limit, you have to live together for a cetain ammount of years, other states all it takes is for both parties to present themselves as husband and wife

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