(Closed) problem with date of best man

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I really don’t think you have a choice. If you give him the option to bring a guest, then I think you have to be ok with the fact that you might not like his choice. Can you fiance maybe talk to him about your concerns? Maybe he can nicely suggest getting a babysitter for the daughter to try to alleviate some of the drama?

 

Post # 4
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

You can absolutely tell him he can’t bring her, but be prepared for him to feel a little miffed. It is very common for the bride and groom to ban a certain date of someone from the wedding party because of this exact issue. My sister’s best friend isn’t allowed to bring her husband to my sister’s wedding, but she totally understands and isn’t upset.

The message has to come from your husband – don’t get involved in the delivery. Tell him to be honest and nice about it. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

You could certainly tell him not to bring her, but he’ll likely be upset and you might be putting your Fiance in an awful situation. To be honest, I’m never a fan of the bride and groom banning a certain date from a wedding. And in this situation, it would be your Fiance telling his brother that his girlfriend can’t come to the wedding because she might cause drama. What’s the brother going to think? What’s she going to think? I know it’s tempting to weed out the people who we think might cause drama on our big day, but if you looked through your guest list you’d probably discover several people who are likely to attract drama – should they be cut from the list too? Most people, even those who are a little crazy, have the decency to keep it cool at someone else’s wedding. If you think she might not be respectful enough to do this, have Fiance tell the brother that you’re trying to keep the day as stress-free as possible and anyone who starts anything will be asked to leave – he doesn’t even have to specify that he means the brother’s girlfriend. Have another groomsman keep an eye out, and if she starts pitching a fit over something, he’ll remove her. It just doesn’t seem worth it to damage the relationship the brothers have because your FI’s brother is dating someone you find weird.

Post # 6
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I THINK THAT YOU CAN DEFINATELY TELL HIM!  ITS YOURS AND YOUR MANS DAY- IF SOMEONE BROUGHT SOMEONE TO MY WEDDING OR A FRIENDS WEDDING AND STARTED DRAMA I’D BE ALL ABOUT GETTING THEM OUT OF THERE.

YOU ONLY GET THIS ONE DAY- AND YOU DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO SPEND IT STRESSED WORRIED ABOUT IF SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND WHAT PEOPLE WILL THINK IF IT DOES.  JUST TELL HIM THAT YOU HAVE JUST ONE REQUEST- THAT WITH THE PAST OCCURANCES AND DISPUTES YOU WOULD BE MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE WITH HIM BRINGING SOMEONE ELSE AS HIS DATE, PREFERABLY SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE A CHILD ALSO SINCE YOU ARE TRYING TO KEEP AN ACCURATE HEAD COUNT. 

Post # 7
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve told my Maid/Matron of Honor (sister) she cannot bring her on again/off again SO who i dislike more than anyone for various complicated reasons….however, that was a few months ago that i told her (they have been on and off a dozen times since, my feelings havent changed) and I hope she knows that is still my decision, why would you want to spend your special day/weekend around someone you care so little for and makes your blood boil???….my only concern is her having an attitude about it and that affecting the wedding events, not sure if that would be a concern of yours, I do think I can deal with that better than knowing he’s there though!

Post # 8
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

IMO, you can’t tell someone who they can & can’t bring, esp since he is family. Every family has their "village idiot(s)" and you can’t help who your family chooses to date or marry. To say that a member of your family can’t bring their girlfriend (esp since you told him he could bring a guest) would be kinda wrong….

Post # 9
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with previous posters. My Future Brother-In-Law is an idiot who has had two recent run ins with the law, so I’d rather not have him at my wedding, let alone a member of the bridal party. But it’s not my call, so I’m going to have to suck it up and deal with it.

Convey your feelings to your Fiance, but ultimately, since it’s his family, it’s call. I wouldn’t put my Fiance in the awkward position of telling his brother he couldn’t bring his girlfriend.

Post # 10
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I agree with the people who said no. You can’t pick his date for him. Sorry.

Post # 11
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

It’s a sticky situation but if she has a history of causing drama you can ban her. My Fiance has a complicated and pretty much non-existant relationship with his formerly abusive father. He decided to take the high road and invited him to the wedding. His dad also has a mentally unstable ex-wife who is now his live in Girlfriend (weird I know). The ex-wife/GF has caused serious drama at family events including yelling at his mom and calling her some really horrible names in front of the whole family at a funeral a few years back. Even though she is his Dad’s partner, she is NOT invited to the wedding and if she shows up we have people on hand to escort her out.

Post # 12
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I agree that you probably can’t "ban" her. However, I can see why it might not be best for her to be there. Perhaps you can talk to Fiance or Future Mother-In-Law and ask one of them to gently mention the topic of date drama with your Future Brother-In-Law. If he is particularly close with your Fiance or Future Mother-In-Law, he may understand where they are coming from and agree to have a fun night at your wedding solo – or at least without his girlfriend’s daughter.

 

Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2009 - Cathedral of the Sacred Heart & The Jefferson Hotel

I’m gonna have to say you need to weigh your options on this one. Yeah, technically it wouldnt be polite to tell him no, but I’m at the point in my own guestlist where being polite might not be an option. Do you think he would be pissed? Or is he an understanding guy? You also said you were having a small wedding, are you letting a lot of other people bring dates? I hate to say to lie, but if not many others are getting dates, you can use that as your out. Just say you are trying to keep things intimate with loved ones only.

Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Do you guys really think she can ban this person and that would be alright? I guess it would depend on your relationship with this girl. If she is nothing more than just his brother’s girlfriend, then it sounds like you would have a right to say if she can come or not. I have a similar situation that I feel like I do not want someone at my wedding who is married to someone in the wedding party, but my situation is far more complicated. We’ve known this person for years and have been friends but haven’t really been for a couple of years now except for the occasional get together with mutual friends or birthdays. His drinking and other things have just gotten out of hand. Way out of hand and it became too apparent to us two weekends ago when we had a bridesmaid BBQ after dress shopping. Thank goodness the only people there by the time he got there were my sister and her husband, but it was embarrassing! For us though, if we uninvited him or told him he wasn’t invited (technically the invites haven’t gone out but it is understood) i am not sure how my friend would react and I know he would be hurt and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, just don’t want to be embarrassed or have drama at my wedding either. Thats why I say it would probably depend on you and your fiance’s relationship with her as well. It sounds like you are more concerned with the brother’s feelings or ettiquette. It is a sticky situation for sure! Let us know what you decide!

Post # 15
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

If everyone is getting to bring dates, he should be able to pick his date too.  Even more so, he’s the best man.  Everyone gets to pick who they want to take, but he has to get some sort of clearance first?

How bad can her drama get? Will saying something likely, cause issues with you and/or Fiance and his brother?  Unless you think she’s going to throw punches or dive into the cake, I don’t think her being there will have as big an impact on you, as you think. 

Post # 16
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

If you do tell him he can’t bring his girlfriend, you are going to catch some major flack. However, you COULD have an adults-only wedding, and hopefully his girlfriend would stay home to babysit the kid. Either way, people will be mad at you. They will call you tacky.

Of course, you CAN request that he doesn’t bring her. If you believe that her attendance will ruin your wedding more than snippy comments by others, I would discuss it with him. But definitely DO NOT let her get wind of it until you’ve made up your mind. 

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