Problem with ring from fiancées mother

posted 2 years ago in Rings
Post # 2
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

She’s being a bitch. This is not a sentimental heirloom, she’s trying to control the spend and effort on your e-ring and ensure it’s minimal. 

Dear Fiance should tell her it’s something he wants to do for you himself. If she continues to stick her oar in, then a “leave it Mom!” is in order. If he’s more worried about her reaction than he is about your disappointment then you have a long term problem on your hands. 

This woman is not your friend. 

Post # 3
Member
38 posts
Newbee

whoa PP needs to calm down.

His mum might consider this ring she has as something she doesn’t need and that she’s helping you guys out with it rather than having to fork out the money on a new one.

That being said, if thats the case and she wa being sincere in her gifting it, I’m sure she would understand if you wanted to have the stones reset, or a new larger stone added in – if she is uncomfortable with that she can have the ring back as it was hers. 

It’s not unreasonable to want a ring that, 1. was meant only for YOU and 2. That you like is your style

Post # 4
Member
2670 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

apr456 :  sorry, I’m just being nosy, can we see a pic?

Post # 5
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

 

“but my fiancée is worried about how this will go over with her“

– this suggests her son, who presumably knows her well, doesn’t think it was just a light, helpful suggestion. 

I have daughters, no sons, but when my eldest said she was planning something special for her bf’s 30th, I didn’t rummage around for a pair of my husband’s cuff links that he never liked enough to use, and suggest she give him those. 

She took him away and to a Michelin starred restaurant where they had the tasting menu and wine flight, something HE really values and enjoys. I didn’t suggest Olive Garden or something else cheaper, a) it’s none of my business b) I’m glad I raised a daughter who gets excited about and puts effort into making loved ones happy, c) it’s none of my business. 

 

Post # 6
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Um.. wow. PP… let’s not assume the ring was given deviously, shall we?

Perhaps his mother was trying to contribute something meaningful, and thought it would be a nice gesture. I know I would be afraid to tell someone I didn’t like it, especially if it were a kind-hearted and well meaning person. I wouldn’t want to inadvertently hurt their feelings. Or make them feel like their gift wasn’t “good enough”. While it’s not too late, the perfect opportunity would have been her son telling her in the moment that he wanted to pick out his own ring. Now that the moment is passed, he still has time to go back and say that while he greatly appreciates the ring, he is tending more to buying something specifically for you. Perhaps you could reset the diamond into a necklace or other piece of jewelry? Or maybe keep it as is for a right hand ring to wear occasionally?

Post # 7
Member
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Why isn’t the fiance getting more heat here for being the lazy/cheap one?  You don’t mention anything about ring style or budget conversations you may have had with him, but I would be upset that he didn’t take enough pride in this milestone to at least put in some effort.  She may have provided the ring that was just laying around but he’s the one that accepted it and gave it to you.

Post # 8
Member
7717 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Tough situation bee! I think your fi needs to stand up to his mother given you don’t like the rings and he doesn’t really like them either. Do you know if he has a budget to afford the type of ring you’d actually want? I would talk to him about this. If he doesn’t have the money for it now, you could use mil’s ring as a stand-in for now and upgrade later on. If he does have the money and is open to buying you a new ring, then I think he should be willing to stand up to his mom and tell her something like “thank you so much Mom, but it’s really important for me to give apr456 a new ring that I choose myself. I really apprecitae your offer though!” – something along those lines. I understand that he’s afraid she’ll react badly, but he needs to put you first here (assuming he can afford to do so!). I might feel a bit differently if the ring had sentimental value, but it sounds like it’s just something she had sitting around…

Post # 9
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2000

I wonder if fiancé mentioned he was ring shopping and how expensive they are and mom had a set she no longer used so she tried to be nice and gave it to him?

if you want a larger stone op I would tell fmil that you’re wanting change the stone and ask if that’s ok if not kindly tell her it isn’t your style and would rather get a new one..

jewelry is very personal even heirloom pieces get revamped so hopefully she will be fine with it if not ya got bigger problems than just the ring and fmil maybe a monster inlaw lmao but wishing u good luck!

Post # 10
Member
353 posts
Helper bee

If she didn’t cherish the ring, why should you?

This is a conversation for your Fi and Future Mother-In-Law – he needs to let her know that he wants to buy you a ring that’s just yours

Post # 11
Member
6436 posts
Bee Keeper

How about he tells his mother he has another idea of a ring for you??? And he doesn’t need hers.

Post # 12
Member
12478 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Drizzle :  It is really jumping to conclusions to assume the mom has selfish or pushy intentions here. For all we know she made the offer knowing that her son can’t or does not want to spend a lot of money. And for all you know the “pressure” Fiance says he feels is actually his way of putting pressure on the OP to accept. 

Post # 13
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

Get the ring of your dreams, keep this one as a wear once in a while type of ring or make him give it back to her saying he want’s to get you something different. 

Post # 14
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

apr456 :  I would say something along the lines of ” I appreciate the gesture and not that there is anything with smaller stones but you feel its heavily included and you won’t be able to enjoy the sparkles of a cleaner scale diamond. That you were hoping to get something with more brilliance and an included diamond will not give you the same performance… Hmm bee I don’t know can you make a necklace out of the diamond shes giving you so she doesn’t feel completely rejected???? Also why didn’t your SO tell her no thank you if clearly he had any idea it wasn’t your ideal ring??? 

Post # 15
Member
3065 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2006

He needs to tell her politely that although it was a wonderful gesture, you both want something you chose together. If she wants it back, give it back. If not, wear it as a RHR or something. 

I think it would be unreasonable on her part to think you’d wear it until the day you die and be thrilled. We all have different tastes, otherwise the world would be a very boring place. Regardless, I’d leave it up to him to discuss it with her, especially if she’s sensitive. 

I second the motion on the pics 🙂 

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