(Closed) Problems with DH & best friend confessing his fallen for me :/

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
4682 posts
Honey bee

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xpaigexx:  Is it a sign your marriage is falling apart? No, it’s a sign your “best friend” is a creep. He knows you are having marital problems, you are vulnerable, and he’s trying to use to his advantage to make you a booty call. This guy is not your friend. He has zero respect for you. If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you. 

How much time are you spending away from home? It sounds like your husband is feeling neglected. 

Post # 3
1819 posts
Buzzing bee

I suggest not spending time around your male friend while you work through things. Talk to your husband about counseling. With all the issues you mentioned, you need a professional to help guide you through everything. If your husband isn’t willing to work on your marriage to make it better, then it might be time to think about divorce. Both of you have to be willing to put in the effort. 

I say to not see your male friend so you don’t act on your lustful feelings. He should understand and be respectful of that as well at this time. Only you and your husband and decide whether you will fight to work on saving your marriage. I hope he is with you on this, op. good luck!

Post # 4
787 posts
Busy bee

If you want to save your marriage I would suggest two things: 1. cut off contact with the friend. He said he’d never let his feelings affect your marriage or your friendship, but he already has with his suggestion of FWB. That’s not okay. 2. Marriage counselling for you and DH to get to the root of your issues, because it sounds like there’s more to it. 

Post # 5
226 posts
Helper bee

I am giving my opinion, but if it doesn’t help you, feel free to disregard it. I think having separate interests and friendships is generally healthy. However, the point at which I think it stops being healthy is A) when not enough of your emotional energy is being invested in your marriage and B) when there is a legitimate threat to your marriage. What you are doing has both of those. I think in this case, you’ve proven your husband right, essentially. Normally, it wouldn’t be right for him to discourage you friendships, but it sounds like he was completely correct in his concerns. Not only did you respond to his concerns by distancing yourself from him more and investing in your friendship with another man instead, but now that man has feelings for you and you’re lusting after him.

You do know the right thing to do. Put lots of distance between you and your friend and start paying attention to your husband, even if you don’t feel like it. The act of being loving brings feelings of love and where you invest is where you will see rewards. I realize this is an oversimplification, but I think it’s an apt one here. I am going under the assumption that you married your husband for a reason and you love him. If you are not looking to save your marriage, then at least make a clean, honest break.

ETA: In retrospect, this may have come across as harsh, which I didn’t intend. I apologize if I caused any offense. 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Soph45.
Post # 6
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

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Bridey77:  exactly  he is not much of a friend considering he wants to degrade you down to a booty call! He didn’t even say “wow I am so in love with you and can’t stand to not be with you” he basically implied that your not good enough to date but your alright to have sex with . You should be offended!

Also a guy that will prey on someone when they are having issues knowing they are vulnerable is a POS.

Post # 7
1099 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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xpaigexx:  Wow, you have a lot going on. Sorry to hear you’re having such a difficult time with things.

First and foremost, this ‘friend’ is not being a good friend by any stretch of the imagination. Anyone that would suggest you engage in an extramarital affair does not have your best interests at heart and I don’t see how you could possibly continue on with this friendship now. You haven’t done anything wrong, but I think if you continued to see him after what he has said then that would be unfair to your husband (and downright dangerous, given the feelings you’re having right now). Distance yourself from this man right away. 

In terms of your marriage, it’s so hard to give advice from a distance. It sounds to me like the most important thing is for you two to get on the same page about your expectations. Could you sit down together and negotiate what would work for you both? For instance, could you agree on a number of evenings per week or month that would be acceptable to you both for you to make plans by yourself with other friends etc? If he’s not willing to have this discussion and help support your needs then you have a bigger problem and may benefit from some couples counselling to help get your communication going again.

But seriously, stay away from your ‘friend’. It may seem difficult right now, but I PROMISE you that if you don’t you will just end up with much much more distress in the future.

Also, do something nice for yourself. Losing a job is rough and can have a pretty hard hit on your self confidence. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. Good luck!

Post # 8
90 posts
Worker bee

Cut off the friend, his “confession” is a cheap manipulation to try to get in your pants.

Post # 9
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’ll just be quick. Get that “friend” the he’ll out of your life. And I don’t believe it’s healthy to nurture friendships of the opposite sex when you are married. For the exact reason you are in. How would you feel if you knew your husband was lusting after some other chick? 

Post # 10
23 posts
  • Wedding: July 2013

Sounds like your “friend” saw his chance for an easy way in and is trying to take advantage of you. It doens’t sound like he generally cares about you and just wants to have sex with you. It is absolutely sick that a “friend” would suggest this while you are going though losing a job and having a rough spot in your marriage. He didn’t say he cares deeply for you he just told you about his selfish needs. It is completely normal to have temptations while married, but you both made vows for better or worse and you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband. You’re having a tough time right now and need to focus on yourself and your husband. Can you go to some counseling?

Hope things get better for you. 

Post # 11
1746 posts
Bumble bee

Lemme put it this way, you’re married, you’re actually friends with this other guy, there are strings.

One of three things are gonna happen if you start sleeping with this guy. You enjoy it, spend more time with him and eventually you ruin your relationship fully with your husband. Or, you get your rocks off, he gets frustrated because he wants more, things end and your friendship ends too. Or, you get together, he just wanted to hit it and quit it, and then you’re left broken hearted and you can’t even confide in anyone because it was an affair and your friendship ends

There is no way in heck there’s “No strings attached”

Post # 12
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Marriage is about compromise so if your DH is feeling like your spend too much time with this new social circle this needs to be addressed it doesn’t mean you need to stop seeing them you and your DH needs to sit down and discuss both of your needs and try to meet a solution I think looking into joint counselling is a good idea.

As for the best friend you need to cut off contact, how would you feel if your DH had a friend who confessed their love for him and he continued to be friends with them? For the sake of your marriage don’t just cool things off with him cut him off and also be honest with your DH about what he said

Post # 13
1346 posts
Bumble bee

One perspective is that you want distance from your marriage so you’re perpetuating an inappropriate relationship with a friend who has poor boundaries because it will force you and your husband to address your marriage or to end it. 

Post # 14
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Your friend sounds like an opportunist. After losing your job and obviously going through a rough time, he’s like, “hey wanna have sex?” Who does that? Certainly not a friend. You and your DH need counseling to get to the root of your problems. As for your friend, cut him loose, I’d be offended too. 

Post # 15
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

It’s not smart to discuss your marital problems with your opposite sex friends. And this guy is no friend. The fact that you are contemplating his booty call offer, while married,  should be alarming on many levels. 

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