(Closed) $$ Problems with FFIL and FMIL. I’m embarrassed.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think I would talk with him about how much his comments about you aren’t  family are hurting you. Perhps he doesn’t realize how much that hurts your feelings. I know that would hurt me if my Fiance every said that about me. You’re going to be family soon!

Post # 5
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You are engaged… you ARE family. Clearly, there is something about the money situation that is bothering him. 

As for giving them money, perhaps his family felt that they supported you out of love and to be family. To some, it is insulting for someome to try to give them $$ for something that they did out of the goodness of their hearts. My mother, for example, would be so embarrassed if you tried to give her money. 

My advice, talk to your Fiance about how his “not family” comments hurt. Next, stop offering his family money. Cook for them, treat them like family, don’t give them $#. 

Post # 7
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Maybe your Fiance is really just uncomfortable with you giving his folks money. Im sure he thinks of you as family — you’re both living with his folks now! 🙂

Since his folks already declined any offers of money from you, I would leave it at that and not try anymore, so I think you leaving money in his mother’s pants is unnecessary. Won’t they get offended?

If you really want to contribute something, how about buying groceries, stock up the pantry/fridge — it looks completely natural, after all you live there too.

I hope you feel better about this soon!

Post # 8
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

What about helping clean and doing yardwork? It’s a way you can help with the family, and perhaps help everyone relax.

Though, if my FH ever told me I wasn’t family, I’d come straight back with a snarky comment about moving out. And we would be having a serious talk. I would definitely talk to him about how it makes you feel, that’s for sure. Soon enough, you WILL be family. If it takes you guys moving out to establish that, then maybe that needs to be considered too.

Post # 9
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

i’m not sure if i would continue going through my fiance to find out about money.  in all honesty, i would sit down to lunch with my fmil (and/or ffil) and ask their opinion.  tell them how much you appreciate their help and that you would really like to contribute something whether it be money, household chores, etc.  if they say there isn’t anything they want, then i would let it drop.  

Post # 10
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I would be extremely upset if my Fiance made the same comments to me. You are family. You have every right to contribute. To me, it seems like he is on the controlling side and I would be wary of that.

I also agree with airythia. Have a sit down with your FMIL/FFIL and ask them how they feel. Ask them without your Fiance around. Your Fiance has a right to an opinion, but he doesn’t have a right to control you. You should both be equals and I am sure his family feels like you are a part of their family; otherwise, they wouldn’t have you in their home.

Post # 11
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@sweetrose – i hope i didn’t make you feel bad with those comments. It IS nice of you to offer to cover some of the costs. And I agree that asking them is also a good idea. 

@afbacher – I too would be super snarky if my Fiance ever told me we weren’t family!

It took me a little bit to get used to the idea that my Fiance and I would be my “family”, as in my main family. When you get married or start a life with someone then they are your family and your parents/siblings are of course family too, but not your little family unit… if that makes any sense. 

Post # 12
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

@SweetRose2011:When do you start to be family? maybe you need to have a very serious conversation with your Fiance about his comments and how they are making you feel,because if he don’t stop now ,when will he. I am a parent and my daughter lives with us because we invited her back no we don’t ask her for anything but it feels good when she gives or offer. Idon’t want my daughter to use me because she can there may come a time when she really may need me and I might feel used up.Remebers these are his parent and not yours,and it seems that he don’t mind using them.just because i don’t say anything ,it doesn’t mean i want to be used.Nothing is free I hope by the time she decide to get married they have a home to go to after the wedding and not mine because if you can’t afford a home and all the things that comes along with it, you really can’t afford a wedding. what bride wants to come home to her in-laws.

Post # 13
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Instead of offering them money, can you surprise them and bought groceries once and a while or take them out to dinner if they are set against you giving them money?  I would feel better if I contributed or at least repay their generousity differently. maybe a nice thank you gifts or send them off to a dinner date you arrange for them. And regardless whether you’re family or not (which they seems to treat you like you are), it is just decent and thoughtful of you to offer (trust me, your inlaws probably appreciate you just offering to).  Perhaps for the next outings, tell them you’re treating instead!

Post # 15
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Yeah, talk to your Fiance, maybe it is insulting to them.  When we go out to dinner with FIs parents, we always make a nominal offer to pay the tip etc., but I think it would be rude to insist on paying or sneak money into their wallets etc.

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