(Closed) Problems with Future mother in law and where bridal party is to get ready.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3231 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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Buttercup014: Honestly your bridal party may not want to spend the night before with you, anyway, especially if they have S/Os. How big is your bridal party? I am staying in a suite the night before my wedding and the night of my wedding (night of with my Fiance obviously). The night before 3 out of my 4 bridesmaids are staying with me, but we booked a suite so there is a king sized bed and a queen sized pull out in the living room, so there will be enough for the 4 of us. I also presented the suite as a totally optional thing because I know a lot of people don’t like adult slumber parties and I can’t blame them, so I wouldn’t just expect that your bridal party will want to stay with you. My Future Sister-In-Law is not staying with us, but she’s married. 

Why do you not want to stay alone the night before? It will be nice and relaxing and assuming you’re having a rehearsal dinner, you’ll just be at the hotel to sleep anyway. I would not have expected to get ready at my in laws home, if I were you. 

Post # 3
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Well for starters, your Mother-In-Law sounds like a total cow. Wow. 

Regarding a hotel room, can a close female relative stay with you there? Your mom, an aunt, a cousin?

Lastly, I know this is your husband’s mother, but word of advice, do not let her walk all over you from here on out. If you do not want to do something, don’t feel like you are obligated to just because she said so. 

Post # 6
Member
3231 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

 

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Buttercup014:  I would see if you can get a suite. If you’re doing a room block the hotel may cut you a deal – our room block was $119 for a room with 2 doubles or $135 for a room with a king and they comped our wedding night in the suite, but I had to pay for the night before. I asked if they could cut me a deal since the suite is usually $206 and they actually gave it to me for $124 – less than a regular kings room! Sorry you’re feeling slighted by your Future Mother-In-Law.

Post # 7
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I posted a thread about this!

I wasn’t told to get ready elsewhere like it seems you were,but I wouldn’t want to get ready at anyone else’s house anyway.

As far as where everyone in the bridal,party (groom included) gets ready, that’s completely up to them. It’s very rude that you aren’t included in this getting ready process and that is definitely something you need to address. This is your damn day. You don’t get to get ready alone (unless you want to) and just show up. That sounds lonely.

I think getting a suite in that town is the best idea.

Post # 8
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I see that your wedding date is October, so it may be too late to move towns… but is there ANY way that’s possible?  I would NOT have my wedding in the “family town” if my future mother in law flat out insisted that I’m not family.  Then why the F am I getting married out here?!

Post # 9
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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Buttercup014:  If the aunt said it was ok for to get ready at her house why did you even ask Future Mother-In-Law.  I would ask Fiance to get you in touch with her so you can get ready there. However,  if you do want the hotel, if you have a Maid/Matron of Honor, she would be the most obvious choice. Just tell Future Sister-In-Law that you want spend the evening with your best friend and thought she would be more comfortable with family.

Post # 10
Member
4813 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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Buttercup014:   Honestly, I’d start the planning all over again, in YOUR home town, and do it your way.   You gave her an inch and she is taking a mile.  Is it possible to start over? 

Post # 11
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I’m sorry to say you don’t really have my sympathy because you’re being a huge pushover and apparently so is your Fiance. She demands that you are married at a certain place and demands that you get ready by yourself etc? That bitch wouldn’t be at my wedding sorry.

Post # 12
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think you need to block this woman out. You’ve posted alot about her, all negative. She isn’t helping and you dont need her so stop mentioning wedding things to her. 

Post # 13
Member
6290 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

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Buttercup014:  I would honestly try to change venues if at all possible. 

If that isn’t possible,I would do the following:

Set firm boundaries with her re the wedding; make wedding talk with her completely off-limits. As I said on your other post, it sounds as if she has a PD, and with people with PDs your best bet is to cut contact, or, if that isn’t possible, massively limit contact and set boundaries. Given the amount of drama surrounding your wedding, you need to simply remove it from the equation. Learn how to ignore comments or questions about the wedding, or how to employ ‘medium chill’ (basically not getting sucked into drama eg by changing the subject).

Ask that your fiancé supports you; he needs to respect your boundaries with her and exercise them himself. He should absolutely NOT get ready with his family after the way you have been excluded by them; he should instead demonstrate solidarity and support by choosing to get ready at a hotel. There should be no discussion about this: it should be presented as final, end of story. 

Learn not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain); if you make a choice, it is just that, your choice, and no-one has the right to demand a reason from you. Using the above as an example it works like this: ‘I’m getting ready at a hotel’ ‘But why?’ ‘Because I want to.’ ‘But I want you to get ready with me!’ ‘OK, but I want to get married at the hotel’ ‘Do you not love me?!’ ‘This isn’ the about you; I just want to get married at the hotel. I’m not going to discuss this further *change subject*’ (this is also an example of medium chill). 

Think carefully about future boundaries and limits. Personally I would cut contact with her, and make sure that your OH sets boundaries with her eg not ever discussing you or your relationship and using medium chill if she tries to broach the subject

AsI said on your other thread please enter into this marriage with your eyes open. Do not assume things will improve (they won’t), and think carefully about whether this is something you can cope with long-term. We are now (recently) no contact with my MIL; this has been a long, difficult process, and involved both of us changing our numbers and not giving them to anyone who might pass them to her (we will do the same with our address when we move), blocking her email address (any emails from her get permanently deleted straight away; they don’t even show in our deleted folder), and blocking her and anyone connected to her on Facebook. It is likely that at some editing we may have to take legal action and get a restraining order against her. Were my OH not on board, I would simply have to divorce him. So, think carefully, and start setting boundaries NOW, and asking your OH to support you; if he can’t/won’t I would at the very least postpone the wedding. 

Post # 14
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Is she paying for the wedding? I’m not sure why you are letting her have any say. Just tell her the date, time and location of the wedding and tell her to be there. Her having any knowledge beyond that is just asking for trouble. 

My Future Mother-In-Law is a doll but she knows nothing about what I’m planning. Just cuts down on drama. 

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