(Closed) Problems with In-Laws and childfree wedding choice

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3045 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

My advice is call her bluff. But I should mention my wedding is tomorrow and my general attitude toward people bouncing on my last nerves is f*ck off. You’ve made it very clear what type of wedding you’ll have and tried to provide alternative suggestions. This isn’t a surprise and I highly doubt she misses her sons ceremony over a couple photos. I’ve never even seen nieces and nephews included in specific family shots at a wedding unless they were also in the wedding party so she needs to get over it.

Post # 3
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
autumnwedding03846 :  Future Mother-In-Law is playing a game of chicken with you – do not cave!!!  It is your wedding, your day and she does NOT get to call the shots.  She is not going to skip her own son’s wedding.  Please enlist your future hubby to referee if needed.  Just a tip:  If she gets her way she will try to steamroll over you in future matters.  Trust me……I am about to get remarried in a few weeks!!! Best wishes!

Post # 4
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee

we are still dealing with the backlash of our decision to have a childfree wedding

 

While you’re well within your right to have a childfree wedding you cannot control other people’s reaction to that decision. Obviously, shes using this as a way to try and manipulate your decision.  If it were me I’d hold fast with my decision so as not to set the future for more manipulation. But, Id also accept that if people had some opinion as to me holding a firm line they would welcome to it.  

If your Future Mother-In-Law decides to stay outside and watch the kids, that’s on her.  People will likely think that it’s excessive for her to miss her son’s wedding to babysit, but it’s her decision.   Of course, if your Fiance wants to compromise in some way that approach is more problematic.   I suspect if you hold a firm line, she’ll decide to participate in the ceremony, though if she’s a stubborn manipulator … maybe not.  Let her be the martyr.  

Post # 5
Member
2477 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

If she misses the ceremony, she will likely regret it for the rest of her life.  If she mentions it, I would say “I’m sorry you feel that you need to miss the ceremony, you will be missed.” And leave it at that.  She’s calling your bluff and trying to get you to say “oh no Mother-In-Law, you can’t possibly miss the ceremony to look after the kids, we will let them attend.”  DON’T do this or her manipulation will have worked! Stand your ground.

Post # 6
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
autumnwedding03846 : 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a child free wedding, but there is almost always drama and hurt feelings.  You accepted inevitable drama and people declining to attend the moment you made your wedding child free so you don’t get to act shocked or hurt if people don’t attend.  You decided having a child free wedding was your priority not including all your loved ones which is a valid choice, but not consequence free. 

Your Mother-In-Law isn’t being reasonable so don’t expect her to change prior to the wedding day or ever. You can make this your hill to die on or compromise to allow your niece and nephew attend the ceremony and photos (obviously not the reception.)  From an outsider’s perspective weddings are about bringing families together, not about who’s right (MIL isn’t right.) If these were distant cousins, I would tell them to forget it, but this seems likely to cause issues for years to come so decide if it’s worth it to you. 

Post # 7
Member
30402 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

what KiwiDerbyBride said.

Just respond “We will be sorry if you choose to miss your son’s wedding, but that is your choice to make.”

Post # 8
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Your future m.i.l. watching the kids outside is beyond tacky. It’s controlling, melodramatic and downright rude to suggest. Your guests will be like wth? That’s unacceptable. You don’t need this. 

It sounds like you went out of your way to be nice. Honestly, you gave them an inch and they’re trying to take a mile. Clearly your m.i.l. not getting her way is not an option, or so she thinks. Please consider just putting your foot down. I would say, ok, you’re all going too far, here are your options now, period. They can take them or leave them. If the sister cannot get a sitter, she should stay home. If the m.i.l. insists upon watching them, she can do it at her house, period. You can still change your mind about having the children in the photos. Tell them you thought better of it. Do what you truly want to. But don’t have kids at your wedding! 🙂

Good luck with whatever you choose. Congrats on your big day.

Post # 9
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You are totally alowed to choose not to have children at your wedding. Unfortunately, even though your intentions were lovely you have confused and overcomplicated the situation by bending the rules to allow your SIL’s children to come in for photos.

It is beyond a joke that your future Mother-In-Law is upset over the kids not being in a few photos. Ridiculous. I’m sure thousands of photos of these darlings exist. I don’t know if you can just say that because of things getting too complicated(possibility of Mother-In-Law ‘missing out’), no kids will be permitted at the wedding, period, or if it is too late for this.

Whatever you do, don’t give in. Mother-In-Law is being very manipulative, and she knows it. Believe me, that will set a very bad precedent for the future with Mother-In-Law, and you will be unhappy that you didn’t stick to what you wanted.

Post # 10
Member
3664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

If she misses the ceremony,  then that is a decision she’ll have to live with making. Don’t cave. People can be so entitled when it comes to their children and weddings. Her children are not invited, end of discussion. 

Post # 14
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

View original reply
autumnwedding03846 :  You were just trying to help. Shame that people are trying to manipulte and take advantage! 

Post # 15
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

OP, let me know how it works out.  Im dealing with the same regarding my engagement party (formal affair) and am dreading my cousin showing up with her kids or my aunt not attending to watch the kids. 

 

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