@leahlou: I’m sorry to hear this, Mothers are special things and I know how good a relationship can be, because my Mom and I are crazy about each other. So when I see a Mother and Daughter that just can’t quite get there, it makes me sad.
I can’t relate on your level, but as a parent who has had to watch her step-daughter step in every bear trap life can lay in her path, I understand that sometimes the urge to intervene on some level can be overpowering simply because you can’t stand to watch something bad happen again, don’t want to have to clean up the mess after or just want to see your child succeed so very much.
Remember that your parents don’t always know what they’re doing either, we make mistakes, we get upset, we allow things to bother us, even though we know it’s none of our business. Your mother’s execution may be way off, if it’s hurting your feelings and making your Fiance feel like he needs to protect you from her, it’s time to find a new way to communicate.
A good way to do that is to set you and her up to succeed, if there are hot-button issues that the two of you just can’t see eye to eye on, stop trying to push a cart sideways and leave those topics off the table, when you start to stumble into them, lead the conversation in a new direction. If it can’t be avoided, know your limit, if you are truly an adult and prepared to make and live with your decisions, part of that is knowing when to stand and when to walk away. You can certainly take your lumps from your mother, we all get criticized from time to time, getting a tongue lashing never hurt anyone and as adults we’ve all had to eat crow for some stupid thing we’ve done, deal with it. If she’s being abusive, threatening, manipulative or cruel, you stop the conversation and tell her that you are more than willing to talk to her, when she’s ready to do so with compassion and respect. You don’t need a hero, she’s your mother, find a way to deal with her.
And finally, let your Fiance see her in the best possible light, no one is perfect, not even you, and especially not your mother. It’s time to find a friend, sibling or someone else to vent to regarding the disagreements between the two of you, because if your Fiance only hears bad things, he’s going to think the worst of your mother, always. Find things you can all do together where you can walk away with a positive feeling and keep moving in that direction, it will take some work, but a good relationship can be created, if you’re willing to create it.
I hope this helps, good luck!