(Closed) Problems with my mother…. Feels like I am the only one with this issue ?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Honestly, this is not normal and you need to cut her off.  She has gotten herself into these situations and people keep bailing her out.  I think that she needs some tough love.  She is 65 years old and she should be able to suppose herself.

Cutting her off is going to be hard, but you need to do this for yourself and for your Fiance.  Plus hiding the fact that you send her money is not good for your relationship.

Post # 4
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 1998

Hoo boy. 

I’ve dealt with similar issues in my family and don’t speak to my parents over money issues. My parents took $100k from my brother (he sold some property and had the cash to “lend” them) and never paid it back. My brother was bankrupt for a while and ended up borrowing money from me during the ordeal and has never been able to pay me back- but I got off lightly. 

Your mom sounds like a manipulator and a narcissist and I doubt she’ll ever change. I’ve already been through this battle and came to the conclusion that sacrificing my family’s well being and financial security was not something I was willing to do for parents who would never take responsibility for themselves. My parents have survived and, I hate to say it, life has been much more peaceful now that we don’t have much contact. 

The question you need to ask is if all of this stress is worth it? Do you really get anything out of your relationship with your mother? Does she care about your problems? Is she ever someone you can lean on? In other words- does she ever act like a real mother? If she’s only using you for money then you have nothing to lose by cutting off contact and a lot to gain by not letting her take advantage of you anymore. 

Post # 5
Member
4370 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think your Fiance is right – you need to stop enabling your mother. She is very talented at manipulating so she gets what she wants from you – money – but she will never stop as long as you keep giving in.

Keep in mind, too, that you are hiding this from your Fiance – we only usually hide things we think are bad or wrong. Once you’re married, assuming you combine finances, every time you give her money, it’s coming from both of you. If he’s not comfortable giving her money, how do you think that will go over?

If you truly want her at the weddding, you can pay for the ticket, but beware.  She’ll likely also want you to pay for a hotel room (or stay with you and your new husband, which would be awful), pay for a dress for her to wear, pay for all her meals, etc. and basically drag you back into debt.

She is an adult and has to live with the consequences of her choices.  You are trying to pay off debt partially caused by her – don’t keep sending her money. It will be difficult and painful to listen to her beg and yell and play the victim.  You may have to cut off contact for awhile – but tell your Fiance what is going on so he can help you stand strong and refuse this time.  It has to stop.

Post # 6
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Lulume:  Tell her you love her but you cannot afford to financially support her any more.  You hope this does not prevent you from maintaining a relationship but if so, then you are disappointed but will find some way to deal with it.

Post # 7
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think you know exactly what everyone here is going to say.

Your mother has no right to ask for money from you, especially in such a demanding way. The more you give her, the more she thinks she is entitled to. Just stop giving her things and eventually she will stop asking. You need to take care of yourself and you are in no position to be giving away your money to someone who has more than you do.

Post # 8
Member
404 posts
Helper bee

Ooof, poor you! Firstly, she doesn’t sound like she has a leg to stand on with the “how I raised you” thing.

The best way to say no is just that. No. Don’t make excuses, don’t say anything leading at all. You can be nice about it “I’m sorry you feel this way, and no, I wont give you any money.” don’t give a reason, it’s your money, it’s up to you what you do with it. She has no right to it. Don’t say “cant” say “won’t”. Just keep saying it, over and over, you don’t need to change it, just “i’m sorry, it’s still a no” You don’t owe her, and keep away from arguing.

It will feel weird, but you need to be strong, you can practice it in other situations, or even as a sort of role play “Saying No” just to get used to it. I’m sure you can do it.

ETA: Do not have her staying with you during the time of your wedding! You don’t need that. Do you even want her to be there? It doesn’t sound like she really cares about you.

Post # 9
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

She is using you. From your story, it sounds like she is, and always was, a selfish person. She only cares about herself. And how dare she point out “how she raised you?” She was an abuser! 

Stop sending her money. She needs to get help on how to manage money, or psychological help for issues deeper than that.

Post # 12
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 1998

Aw sweetie- I know it’s hard. But you honestly deserve better. I know exactly what this feels like and it takes awhile to feel normal again. But you have a long life ahead of you and you need to prioritize the relationships that will be the most important to you going forward.

Try to take the long view and think about how this will affect your life in the long term. How will it affect your marriage if you keep giving your mother money and putting yourself deeper in debt? And if you have children, how will this woman affect their well being? Would you let her manipulate your children this way? If not, then remember that you are her child and she has no business treating you this way. I agree with the other posters that say her behavior is abusive. 

Post # 13
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

This is not normal and certainly isn’t something you should be shouldered with. She’s extremely mentally ill. She needs help.  The issues you’re explaining reach far beyond normal “mother/daughter” issues. Are there local agencies that can set her up with treatment and/or financial assistance of it?

Post # 16
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Lulume:  She is a master manipulater and you are a victim love.

Ignore her. Her financial issues are her fault.

People treat you how you allow them.

 

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