(Closed) Problems with my sister. *Long*

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 1
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Hey all. So here we go: DH husband and I got married Jan3 2015. My sister moved in the week of Christmas. She is 17. At first everything was going fine. She moved in b/c she was in a horrible situation with her father and my mom couldnt take her at the time. So our house rules for her are: No drugs. No cigarettes. No alcohol. Clean up after yourself. Get a pt job. Start studying for your Ged. That was it.  Long story short I find out that she was going to her friends house and smoking weed. That she had lied to me that they werent doing anything. Then that’s when the ungrateful attitude came on and the leaving cups and dishes in her room. One day husband was looking at the friend that she was doing weed with instagram THe girl had posted a picture on their that said something like #stoned #high #goodtimes. 

I confronted her about it and we got in to a huge fight. I told her that everywhere she goes, she just can’t seem to get along with the people she lives with (all her family) that all she wants is to have a place to sleep. eat. and to do whatever she wants. At this point my husband is on the verge of being completely done with her. Shes very ungrateful and acts completely entitled to everything. She gets mad when I tell her I won’t drive her to her friends. She tells me that I never do when actually I cant count the number of times I have on two hands. 

About three weeks ago me, husband, and sister had a good talk. We told her if we didn’t love her she wouldn’t be here and we wouldn’t be trying to provide a nice life with oppurtunities for her (She would not get this at her dads and probably not our moms either, unfortunately) two days later a huge fight broke out. All because my sister kept on with disrespscting me in a fight we were having (about me not driving her to her friends because i was sick with the stomach flu & so was my husband) Even though he was sick he jumped up and started yelling at her to show some respect and sympathy. He had had it at this point and I can’t blame him. 1. He was protecting me. 2. He was completely sick of my sister and her ungratefulness, how she never cleans up after herself, the fact that she was smoking in her room in our house, and acting entitled to everything. 

So he kicked her out. For two days I was torn. I love my husband and I know he comes before my family now. After two days he agreed to let her back in but she had a specific, wrote out set of rules to follow. And they are pretty much the same as when she first got here but a few more tacked on.  Well so far shes broke like 5 of them and has continued with the entitled/ungrateful-disrespectul attitude. Like last night she asked me to leave the door open when I left for work in the morning since she lost her key. I told her okay but be home by 8. (I have to be at work by 8 and I live 5 minutes away) Turns out my work was closed today so I didn’t have to go in (yay). Well she didn’t come home until 245pm. Like seriously??? Luckily I got to stay home today or my house would have been unlocked for so many hours!!<br />

Honestly, there’s so much more that im forgetting but I am so done. She does not appreciate anything we do for her.  (Like buying her a new comforter and sheet and clothes for her work) She keeps her room a pig sty. I know she disrespected my husband because we heard her talking to her friend about it. Called him disgusting and a judgemental christian bastard. Husband said he didn’t care because she is leaving anyway. 

This situation has me torn up bc i love her but she just does not understand and I cant allow her to disrespect my husband. Especially since he pays for almost everythign for her to live (house, heat, tv, internet, etc). Good grief, all we wanted to do was provide a loving, secure home for her since she’s never had that! And to give her oppurtunities like college and going on vacations with us! 

Sorry, I just needed to vent and get this off my chest. 🙁 

 

 

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Post # 2
Member
5152 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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KatyKat:  Time for some tough love for your sister. She’s not respecting your rules or your home or you, so therefore she must go. 

Post # 3
Member
3067 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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KatyKat:  Shes being a disrespectful brat and is old enough to handle the consequences. You gave her a second chance and she shit all over it.

I say IF you give her a third chance, demand that she attends counselling alone and with you. ( and follows the rules)

Post # 4
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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weatherbug:  And that’s the thing. When i have confronted, she thinks she is following the rules _-_

Oh, and 1 thing I forgot to mention is that she is always asking  me for money. SHe just started her job btw. But I feel like she thinks I am an atm. 

BUt you are right, I am talking to my mom now about her living with her. 

Post # 5
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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Boxerlover24:  She does need counseling. She’s had a very rough past. And I feel like a lot of her behavior is learned from her father. But one would think that if someone is providing everything you need you would try to turn around?

She actually got onto me tonight about not getting her mcd since me and DH got it while she was at work. Well last time I checked I dont have to buy her fastfood everytime we eat it. As long as there is plenty of food (and there is depsite what my sister says) she can make her own dinner. Shes almost an adult for heavens sake!

Post # 6
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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KatyKat:  She is your sister. She is 17. She is in that horrible rebel stage that basically handicaps her and it is very sad and hard on both you and your husband. But at the end of the day she is your blood and so young. She only has you.

Try to look at situation from her point of view, she feels like she is a burden on both you and your husband. She feels unwelcomed and probably thinks “nobody understands me”. I would try to be more of a sister to her than a mother and have a serious talk. Just you and her. Try to have her open up to you. Be her friend. Maybe she needs therapy and someone to talk to. Sounds to me like she had tough life and it wears off on kids. My sister is 18 now and I know how annoying her attitude is.

You want her to follow your rules and be grateful. Unfortunately that only happens in the movies. She obviously has built up anger and resentment. Seems to me she has major trust issues as well. Yes, she is being a brat but I think she really needs to feel love from you more than discipline right now.

Post # 7
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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KatyKat:  Hey, I thought I’d put in my two cents because I came from a bad home with the worst parents.

first off, I understand you’re Christian and likely have strong values and beliefs. If your sister is not christian or even just has more relaxed values than you, try to understand her and not force your values on her. She will resent you for it And in turn, rebel. 

second, she’s from a Bad home and not used to rules, by the sounds of it. I totally support rules and curfews and everything, but to a degree. When I was a teen, I was troubled and rebelling a lot. If I would miss my curfew (because I literally fell asleep watching a movie or couldn’t find a ride home and didn’t want to hitchhike), I would be scared of getting in trouble for coming home late. I would make the bad decision to just avoid going home because I was so scared. So try to make curfew something reasonable. have her start off with basic chores – unloading the dishwasher, etc. 

I wish I had someone who cared enough to sit me down and have a heart to heart. I wish soneone had explained that they get upset because they worry about me. I wish someone said they see a lot of potential in me. 

Another point – marijuana is really not that bad. If she is not smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol, but smoking a bit of weed (not all day, everyday), then I think she’s okay. I’m not sure if youve tried weed, but it’s extremely mild. It’s not addictive like cigarettes or other drugs, and it doesn’t cause someone to lose their senses like alcohol. My Fiance is a big pot smoker and he’s very successful, pulling in over $100,000/yr at the beginning of his career. 

Over all, what I’m trying to say is to try to be patient with her. she can’t change overnight, and if she refused the pot her friends are smoking, she would possibly be made fun of and lose her only friends. Change takes time. It was a very gradual process for me to go from hanging with bad kids to switching to positive friends. I had to make new, better influence friends one by one and slowly distance myself from the bad people. 

Has she got everything she needs for getting her GED? Books, supplies, etc? I suggest giving her daily or weekly goals, and going over it with her. I needed a kick in the pants when I was a teen, I’m sure she does too. She’s probably desperate for some accountability. I’m not saying bribe her, but dangle some sort of carrot as Motivation. Like if you finish this chapter by this time, we will do this. If you pass your GED, well take a vacation! 

She sounds like she needs support, love and compassion now. It’s not easy, but you love her and your husband seems like a good guy for taking her In. Please don’t give up on her. 

Post # 8
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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sylwia212:  Thats the thing. I have talked to her several times about this. I dont act like her mother either. Yes she has had a horrible past but I came from the same past as well. I have had several “sister” days with her as well. I have looked at it from her point of view and I understand it. I have tried very hard with showing just love and understanding. What does she do? Walk right over me. Everywhere she goes. She even told her dad that we have no food here (a lie) so he’d send her money. 

Post # 9
Member
4235 posts
Honey bee

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KatyKat:  These are all coping mechanisms…I mean, you don’t give a ton of details about her past, but she’s probably so used to trying to survive she doesn’t know what to do.

These are the kids that need the most love. But they aren’t used to love, so of course she’s not going to react how you think she needs to or should. I’m not saying she’s right or without blame, but she needs stability and to feel like she’s safe with you- which takes time. Pick your battles. How long has she been living with you?

Post # 10
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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KatyKat:  That changes things completely then. She is for sure more troubled than I originally thought. Offering love and support and getting shat on never ends well. Everyone has breaking point. I would suggest good ass beating but I am Polish and that’s how I was raised 😛 Also, at this age is too late for that move anyway. I would try to get her to counseling asap. She obviously has the attitude of “I dont need you, f*** you, I am good on my own”.

Ok now I know it is drastic and I don’t know if I would have guts to do it but maybe, just maybe she needs to experience being completely abandoned then. Like, homeless. Maybe that would make her appreciate her current situation more.

I am so sorry you have to go through that right after marrying your husband. I wish I could help more.

But I do agree with PP and my original post. Sounds to me like she needs shit load of love from you. And of course it depends on how long she lives with you. If we talk anything less than 6 months, it is too early for changes in her behavior. She needs to feel stability.

Post # 11
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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caligirl0011:  I came from the same bad home, built myself up, left, went to college, and met my husband. Everything she went through, i did as well. SO i understand why she is like this. But it has gotten worse. Because i know she walks all over me. Whenever she asks for money i am scared to tell her no bc im afraid of her reaction. Her ONLY chore is the dishes. That is it. And she doesn’t do them. DH and I will be at work from 8-5 and we come home and she hasn’t done them. She had all day! Her curfew is 1030 on weeknights, and 12a on Friday and Saturday. 

Also, I have cried so much about this. And she sees me crying. I start crying when we have had those talks. I tell her that i worry so much about her. And she tells me she doesnt care. THe most recent fight, when she got kicked out for 2 days, she told me to f*ck off then ten minutes later asked me for money and a ride to her friends. 

As far as weed- I know its a hot button topic. but we just dont allow it in our home. Or any drug. I understand it’s not as bad as everything else but after what we went through in our child hood, everything like weed, cigs, alcohol has turned me off completely to it all. But for my sister I gues it had the opposite effect. 

I have given her sooooooooo much love and support that her cup should be overflowing. I show her I care in different ways. Like when im out grocery shopping i get food she likes, if i see a top or something she likes i get it, i got her candy for valentines day lol. But she just does not care. At all. And idk what else to do

Post # 12
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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ClaudiaKishi:  Her past is the same as mine. Abusive alocholic father (step father for me), severely unstable home. Mom addicted to pills. Homeless a few times. Once we even had to go camping bc we hada NOWHERE else to go and NO money. Only foodstamps. I pretty much raised her and my brother. I know she needs love and ive shown it to her more times than I can count. Even when she wasnt living with me. 

Post # 13
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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sylwia212:  I dont have the guts for that either! When she was kicked out, the thought of her being scared and not sure what to do was making me cry. I cried for hours in bed at night. All i want to do is help people. Even if it hurts me. I cant help it. She has been a brat her entire life but it has only seem to have gotten worse. 

Post # 14
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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KatyKat:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Some of my sisters didn’t get out of the bad lifestyle we grew up in and it breaks my heart. 

About the pot, i totally appreciate if you don’t want it in your house. I would just try to be a little more lenient if it’s happening outside of your home. If it’s not negatively affecting her job, etc. then I wouldnt worry about it. Honestly, she sounds torn up inside and this is probably a great stress reliever. And like I said, she is probably depending heavily on her friends whom she can talk to openly and candidly about her feelings and problems. She can’t burn these bridges until she has a solid foundation elsewhere. Kicking her out and threats are only going to make her retreat further into her negative friends and lifestyle. 

As others suggested, I think counselling would be really great. I saw a psychiatrist in my early twenties and it really helped being in a non judgemental situation where I could get things off my chest. She might not want to go to counselling, but encourage her to at least give it a shot. 

She might be depressed, bipolar, have anxiety, who knows. All of these things are common when you grow up in a crappy household. Maybe she just needs an authority figure to hear her out and reassure her that she is okay. Hearing from my doc that I was doing so well despite everything really boosted my morale and kept me going.

I know counselling isnt cheap, but I think it’s a great investment. 

Also, have you tried sitting her down to ask what her goals are? How she aspires to get there? She might not be open to the idea at first, so try giving her an out and saying let’s discuss again soon. She’s probably taking life day by day. It sounds like she’s really struggling. To you and hubby, it looks like she’s lazy and disrespectful, which she is! Don’t get me wrong, but she’s damaged Too. 

she may never decide to take the same road as you, the road that leads out of a depressing lifestyle, but she’s at the age where she could definitely turn her life around still. 

I feel your pain and admire you for taking her in.

I hope things get better for you and especially her. 

Post # 15
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

As a high school teacher, I’d recommend reaching out to her school counselor (even if she isn’t enrolled, someone at your local high school should be able to help) for support. You guys are suddenly parents to a troubled teen, and you need help to get her on track. They can give you tips and connect you with community resources for the GED and hopefully counseling for her, you, & your DH.

Her behavior is awful, but remember that she’s 17. She might look like an adult, but her brain isn’t fully developed yet. She’s going to be impulsive and hypocritical and rude sometimes – that’s how teens are. Your job as the adult is to set boundaries so she learns how to act. It’s a tough job, but it’s what she needs. You are absolutely right not to let her walk all over you – she needs someone to do this before it’s too late.

I know it’s tough, but you & your husband should avoid fighting with her – just tell her what to do & don’t respond when she argues back. It sounds like she is pushing your buttons on purpose, but remember that she is a child when you respond to her. If she is rude, calmly tell her “that’s not an acceptable way for you to speak to me” or “I need you to be respectful.” If you can model it by speaking super-respectfully to others in her presence as much as possible, that will give her a good example and give her fewer insults to hurl at you next time she gets upset. She needs to know that no matter how shitty she is, you & DH will never fly off the handle ; no matter how angry she makes you, she’ll never be in danger. Once she believes that and can predict your behavior,, there won’t be any point in pushing your buttons.

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