Post # 1
Hi all. I will try to summarize as shortly as possible without leaving out any key details.
My long-term significant other’s mother is the matriarch of the family. They are very family involved and are boisterous. They can be such to the extent that people get steamrolled if they even have a minor difference of opinion. On the outside it looks like I have always gotten along great with his family but in reality I was just normally steamrolled. Recently I took a stand and politely declined to be part of a tradition that was forced upon me. In the years that we have been together no one has ever really asked my opinion or respected me enough to ask how I feel about anything.
His mother did not take me voicing my opinion very well. Long story short, it led to her ambushing me for surprise dinners, telling people that I am not worth my boyfriends time, and that if we ever get married she will not be at the wedding.
I have tried to meet and talk with her and remain calm about everything but she has taken to being childish and making thinly veiled excuses at why she cannot meet to talk with me. Texting seems to be the only effective method of communication oddly enough but she replies to my constant suggestions and compromises with “k” or “busy” or other one word answers much like a middle schooler.
I guess I am just looking for any advice if anyone has been in a similar situation. Because of his mother, my boyfriend is taking a few months to see if he can emotionally cope with having two separate families, his blood family and the family he will potentially make with me. I have tried being nice and compromising but I get the feeling that she is just making things difficult on purpose and will never really meet with me. Is there anything else I can do?
This topic was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by .
Post # 2
Sorry to be anal. Mother is matriarch, father is patriarch. How far away do you live? Distance is your friend in this situation
Post # 3
I’m sorry to hear about this! I am so grateful for my wondeful Mother-In-Law.
I think this is your boyfriend’s responsibility. He needs to convey to her that you are the person he plans on spending his life with (that’s the plan, right?) It’s not your job to win her over – would you expect him to win over your mother? Within reason, of course – this is beyond that. Are there any reasons she should be doubting your relationship? Moms can’t help but be protective. Maybe she sees something that you aren’t aware of, and you need to patch up?
Best of luck to you and your boyfriend as you work through this together.
Post # 4
I was doing voice to text. Silly phone. Thanks for finding the error! lol. We live in the same town (us in town proper and them just outside of town – 15 minute drive or so) and I don’t have an immediate opportunity that would require us to relocate even an hour away.
Post # 5
My SO and I are great together. We both are responsible adults with degrees and give to charity and have jobs and all that jazz. I get the sense that she thinks I’m taking him away from her. She has said that I am not welcome in her house, that she does not care if she ever speaks to or sees me again and that she would not be at our wedding if we got married. Not sure what she is wanting, except for me to just follow along with her family like a Stepford wife.
Post # 6
My first response was a bit short, I didn’t type much before my take out order was ready.
That is too close for comfort. The boyfriend needs to sit and have a long heart to heart with his mother. It is unfair for him to have two families. What if you have children together? the threat to not attend the wedding sounds empty. Whatever her issue is, it needs to be taken care of before things get worse. As she is unwilling to meet with you, it is up to the boyfriend.
Post # 7
I don’t think anyone ever really has in law problems…it’s more a problem of our significant others not setting proper boundaries with their parents. Your boyfriend needs to tell her that her behavior is not appropriate. It’s pretty concerning to me that he’s taking time to think about it.
Post # 8
Honestly, it sounds like your boyfriend is siding with his mom. It’s true that some couples make it work even when they don’t get along with the other’s family, but the common denominator in those relationships is that the partner stands up against his family and limits contact. Otherwise it will cause you a lot of stress and drive a wedge between you. Since you aren’t engaged at this point I would use your break time to explore your options and think about if you really want to sign up for a lifetime of her ridiculous antics.
Post # 9
Sounds like your Mother-In-Law is scared you are going to take her little boy away. I don’t think there is anything YOU can do, but your boyfriend has the opportunity to make an impact by standing up to her. If she truly wants him to to be happy, she’ll come around.
Not fun though. I feel for you.
Post # 10
Keep doing what you’re doing – trying to win her over with charm. Don’t stoop.
Let your SO know what a tight spot she’s put you in, while, naturally, being charming and delightful. 😉 Maybe he has no idea his mom needs some confirmation that you’re a great catch. Just don’t make him choose sides!
Post # 11
I’m curious what this tradition is that you declined?
How can there be so many crazy MILs? Makes me wonder if I’ll be a crazy Mother-In-Law in 30 or 40 years!
Post # 12
It was a small thing, but something that would end up being gigantic later on – Each year every person in his family gets Christmas collection items. My SO collects nutcrackers, his sister gets snowmen (or something), his dad get Santa Clauses. The item is assigned by the mother with what seems little say from anyone else. I didn’t realize I had to be part of that tradition until this year when I was assigned “Christmas mice”. Each person gets several of their collectibles each Christmas as a present. My SO has huge tupperware buckets full of nutcrackers. Some are 3 feet tall. I don’t collect things as I see it isn’t practical – but that doesn’t mean others can’t, it’s just not my thing. It’s just one in the long list of family practices, like having several big family functions per month (I can’t take THAT much family) and the family expecting me to get to know all of them (and there is a lot) while they don’t care to know me at all. They expect me to attend family functions with some very hypocritical members but be quiet and look pretty it seems like.
Post # 13
I need more info. What did you take a stand on? Why do you think it caused her to flip? What does your BF have to say about this? Has he talked to his mother about how she treats you?
Post # 14
+100000… OP, what these ladies said!!! It’s your SO’s job to set boundaries with his mother. And also, another poster said that distance is your friend… also excellent advice! Good luck!
Post # 15
Totally agree. The problems are with the partner not standing up to the family.
I love my family dearly, but they can be a bit overzealous. They are from a different culture than FI’s family, and will tell you what they bluntly think. Fiance cares for them, but sometimes I can tell he’s had his fill, and I’ll run interference. I want my family to be happy, but it’s not FI’s job to deal with them, it’s mine.