(Closed) Problems with potential MIL

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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chevaldame:  His mother was upset that you didn’t attend the nutcracker gifting party? 

Post # 20
Member
338 posts
Helper bee

It shouldn’t really need to be said, but if this woman needs to hear it again, then you have to say it again. “I respect that you have family traditions, but I”m not much of a collector myself, so I’m happy to be included with my boyfriend, but I’d prefer not to start my own collection of christmas decorations. I hope you can understand and respect my decision.” She probably sees it as a rejection, but so what?  the alternative is that you’re forced into a yearly hobby that takes space away from  you year-round. If she refuses to budge, you can maybe try to compromise and say okay but that you don’t have room for them at your house and she should store them at her house if it’s that important to her that you “collect” christmas mice. 

 

Also, your Fiance needs to nip this in the bud. When his mother ambushes you, he needs to step in directly, in front of everyone and call out her inappropriate behavior. Yes it’s awkward, yes it’ll be hard for him, but it absolutely needs to be done. If she won’t listen to you, he needs to say “just because this is a tradition you enjoy, that doesn’t mean chevaldame has to enjoy it. It’s just not her cup of tea. It’s rude to continue trying to force her to behave exactly as  you want her to, and I need you to stop.” Fill in the blanks for whatever else this Mother-In-Law is trying to make you do. 

Post # 22
Member
338 posts
Helper bee

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chevaldame:  this is eons away from acceptable. Your boyfriend should be up in arms, not admitting that she’s “kind of rude”. This is a breaking point. Make it clear to him that if he defends this kind of manipulation and absurdity then your only choice is to choose yourself and your well-being over her abuse. This is the nonsense that will be at your wedding, at the birth of your children, at every birthday and holiday and anniversary. This is more than I would accept. I’m confrontational when provoked do maybe this is too brash but I would say “if you want to drive me away, you will. You’re his mother. If you want to run me away and leave your son broken hearted, go ahead. I’m not going to fight you, but I love him. If you want me gone, I’ll go. But then you’ll be left to pick up the pieces and answer for what you’ve done. Right now I’m here, I’m in this, and I want a future with your son. If you won’t stop this destructive behavior then you will destroy any future we could have had. You’re done trying? Well I’m trying one last time. If that’s not good enough then you can explain that to your son.”

Post # 23
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

I’m going to be the lone dissenter. Hope you can respect it as another perspective.

Honestly, her last message to you was totally uncalled for, so I’m not defending that. But I do see a woman who has some reason to feel hurt and rejected. To me, it sounds like she assigned you a collectible because she was trying to include you as part of the family. I totally get that you don’t like little doodads around the house (I don’t either), but I think you should have accepted them and quietly disposed of them later, or if you really have to, tell your boyfriend to keep them somewhere. When someone gives you a gift, do you really look at it and say, “Oh, thanks, but no, that wouldn’t suit me at all”? No, right? When someone invites you to partake in a family tradition, it’s respectful to try to go along with it, unless it’s something that really goes against your beliefs or greatly inconveniences you. Accepting “Christmas mice” once a year, to be honest, I don’t think falls into either category. I get that this tradition doesn’t strike you as perfect or awesome, but in the grand scheme of things, I think you should have just appreciated that she was trying to include you and been more gracious about it. 

Then her “ambushing” you to give you a “surprise dinner” – I dislike surprise guests too, so I get you, but I just can’t imagine how a proper response would have been to “extricate yourself as soon as possible.” If you were out and out fighting, maybe, but it seems like it hadn’t escalated to that level and she was trying to make things less tense, in which case, I have no idea how you could bolt and expect that she will not feel hurt or rejected. Can I be honest? Even if you had been fighting, it actually sounds immature. And so that’s why I can kind of see her perspective on this.

But do you know what I am on the same page with you about? Having to meet their family several times a month. It’s not a matter of right or wrong, just personal preference, but I would absolutely understand anyone who found that to be too much… I think most people would. 

 

Post # 25
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

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chevaldame:  I think I understand a little. My Mother-In-Law loves gifting me with useless trinkets, and I hate clutter. I just keep a few that aren’t so bad and make a point of showcasing them when she’s around. I know it sucks but I care more about her feelings than having a drawer that’s empty of clutter.

And I’m sorry that she couldn’t respect your wish for time alone. Some people are the worst that way, but I don’t think it came from a place of disrespect or trying to annoy you. A lot of people just cannot let well enough alone and have the urge to fix things ASAP. Maybe she’s just that type. If that’s the case, you may never be compatible but you can at least look at her underlying motives. I think she felt like she kept reaching out and was being rejected. It definitely sounds like she is overbearing and insensitive, so I can see why you felt like you needed time to yourself.

Hope for the best, try not to give up just yet, for the sake of your FI!

 

Post # 26
Member
11360 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

You have made a bigger issue out of her silly traditions than you needed to. And you didn’t need to be so dramatic about the dinner ambush that you left . Not sure why you would expect in laws to care about getting to know you — that would be great but it doesn’t usually happen because you are the one assimilating into an established group. It’s just part of blending families. I’m not saying it’s right. but it’s normal. 

That said, her texts to you are crazy. Literally so childish and crazy that I’m flabbergasted. Not sure I’d want to be in this family at all, so your Fiance shouldn’t be the only person doing some thinking.

if his mother gets over it by some miracle, take her stupid christmas mice with a smile and save fire for real battles. There’s no need to keep most of the mice. You’ve made yourself clear. 

Post # 27
Member
5866 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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chevaldame:  Ugh, I hate junk collection.  Cool if that’s your thing, but being “assigned” an item that you will now have to keep an xmas collection of?  Yikes.  I’d try to politely turn that down too.

Lame that the Future Mother-In-Law is being crazy about it.  She sounds a little too tied up in her own world.  

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