(Closed) Problems with stepkids

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t think this is necessarily a stepkid problem.  I see it more as a teenage problem.  I was a bit of a pain at age 16, but not as bad as you described.  It was more a reflection of my feelings of anger over losing my father at 14 than anything else.  It took a little bit of counseling to figure this out.  She may benefit from speaking to another adult such as a counselor or psychologist where she knows she is safe and can speak her mind.  It is hard for teens to pinpoint their emotions and to share with adults.  It may stem from her parents divorce or an unknown issue.  Speak with your husband regarding this and show a united front.  Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@baletrina: I agree with everything you said. I was not a nice person to my parents at 16, and regret the way that I acted.  I had nothing really going on in my family life, parents were still married and happy, just normal teenage emotions I guess.

I agree that you need a united front in this, and your husband needs to step his game with her. Where is her mother in all this? Does she live with you guys, or just visit?

Post # 7
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Ouch! I am terribly sorry about what you are going through. MY SIL is kinda like that. She’s in 1st year of university and is a bitch and a half. Her parents had a messy marriage and are now separated. But she is rude to everyone in the family. I am not even technically part of THEIR family, yet I get to put up with her rude behaviour! Ugh! Tell me about it!

Post # 8
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

@lovingwifey:  My 18 year old niece is like this.  She has borderline personality disorder.  I do believe that MANY of her problems were caused by the way she was enabled to act a certain way growing up.  Please urge her father to get her back in to counseling and evaluated.  There may be a part of her that is wrong that has nothing to do with how she was “nurtured”.  (Sociopathic disorders,  Oppositional Defiance Disorder, etc.)  You guys need to make sure you have your bases covered and see if there is anything wrong with the “nature” part of her.  (Nature vs. Nurture)

I speak from experience.  I have some very bad genes in my family.  Knowing what you may be up against may help the battle. 

Post # 9
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Lovingwifey: Are you in my house?! OMG! Sounds like my step kids. One is sweet, follows the rules and is getting ready to go to college. The other one has always been the princess so when she met me, she had to realize there is only ONE Queen Bee in this house and it is ME.

She has been having sex since she was 13, smoking weed drinking, skipping classes and can’t keep friends either. Her mom continues to praise her behavior by buying her whatever she wants. It drives me through the roof. She has no consequences when her mother does show up. Her mom was in and out and is now back in and being a total B. Demanding more child support even though I was the one raising her kids for years because she “Couldn’t take it anymore.”

Does this girl have the option of going elsewhere? Mine just moved in with her mom this past weekend and I am thrilled to have that spirit GONE! EVERYONE in my house is more relaxed and at ease. Your fiance needs a backbone and a good talking to by you for real. Tell him how you feel and that you must be united (even if you disagree the kids should never know). If she does she will use it as fuel for more arguements. Trust.

I have gotten in the best shape of my life from exercising all the stress this girl caused. Definitely pray about it and for your own sanity! Hang in there. She is 16 and will soon be out the house.

Post # 10
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Children.. including teenagers are a product of their enviroment.

Your Darling Husband needs to stand up and parent her before it’s too late. Parenting out of guilt is NEVER good and it’s damaging to the child.

I understand that she’s driving you crazy, but you gotta realize that she herself cannot be happy. We’re never happy when we’re acting crazy or hurting the people around us.

Counseling is good, but only if the family unit is going to back it up… aka he cannot let her get away with whatever she wants. Given she 16 makes it’s harder to start this BUT not impossible.

My house, my rules…. and you two HAVE to stick by that.

You need to have a “fix the daughter” meeting with your husband and SOON… get a game plan. Rules.. discipline factors… and then stick by them.

Rebellion always has a root of bitterness…. So there is something in that poor girls heart that has pretty much made her despise her father.. you.. her mother.. and now she’s on a road of rebellion.

Another thing that we all need is praise.. yes I know you gotta be going “WHAT?!”.. but really… she’s got to be seen for who she really is and not what she’s doing. Is there something, anything, that she’s good at? Let your focus go to there… that you see her investment in what she does (art, sports, even fashion, shopping, anything she good at) and that you’re proud of her!

Taking these things along with a plan of rules & discipline should atleast bring some kind of structure and stable enviroment… You and Darling Husband need to find a common ground of what is acceptable and unacceptable..

ie. Now back talking, No fighting with your Siblings, no lying

These cover just about anything and all are punishable by whatever discipline you and your Darling Husband set up… maybe loosing a privilege… and then actually having follow through… never threat. warn and then follow through

If that means she only has 5 pairs of pants and 5 shirts that she can wear to school, and nothing but a bed in her room b/c she cannot control her attitude or behaviour then that’s what has to happen…. Alot of communication between her and her dad needs to happen as well…. where is the mother?..

I know that it seems easier to just get her out BUT… this is still your Darling Husband daughter and I know that standing by and seeing your children destroy their lives is a terrible place to be.

Sorry you’re in this position and I hope dearly that she can gain some stability within herself before she’s out in the world destroying her life =/

((hugs))

Post # 11
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

I have to say that as a child of divorce who was very mean to both her parents and her step mother calling this girl evil and being angry at her is not going to help your situation. I spent MANY MANY years extremely angry at both of my parents for their divorce. It caused me to want to hurt others and to hurt myself. I attempted to commit suicide, I drank a lot, I was violent towards others and I was never very nice. People constantly called me a bitch and other mean names.

My step mother was a step monster. She made my father take her side was not very nice to me. She ruined my father and my relationship the entire time they were married. You will ruin your relationship with her and her relationship with her father if you continue to stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. I understand you need to have rules in your house but by being angry at her for the way HER PARENTS RAISED HER you are only hurting your chances at fixing things.

You need to really push your husband to start working with her and my main advice would be to try extra hard to understand what she is going through. You may not get it but she is suffering from a lot of anger, from the disbanding of her family, from parental issues, plus she is a teenager. All of that is extremely frustrating and then having a step mom who hates her nagging her for how crappy of a human being she is she’s not going to act much nicer to you.

Work on being nicer to her. Work on being kind, on keeping communication open and reinforcing her good traits. Let her father work on disciplining her and helping her learn the rules of your household. You will get farther with her if you are the one giving praise and he is the one who is administering the punishments. Please stop calling her evil also. It’s mean.

Post # 12
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@lovingwifey: So if your husband isn’t being much of a dad shouldn’t you have stepped up and been a MOM? If you’ve been arround long enough to have a child with your husband you have been around her long enough to help her.

The buck stops…. … over there?

Have a meeting with your husband dicuss your concerns, set up some rules, If he doesnt want to set any rules, and is okay with her calling you names then you may want to pack a bag. If he does then you two need to hold a family meeting and set some rules and consequences and stick to them. I hope you do something, you could change her life. No 16 year old should be called evil, I know she treats you awful, but for her sake be the better person. Be the adult!

Post # 14
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@MrsCypresstobe:      “The other one has always been the princess so when she met me, she had to realize there is only ONE Queen Bee in this house and it is ME.”

I would imagine that this perspective is most likely why your stepdaughter doesn’t like you and lashes out.  It is so sad when grown women, selfishly, are only concerned with their new husband and have no consideration for the effect they have on young girls and the precious relationship between a father and daughter especially at such a difficult time in their lives.

 @lovingwifey:  I’m sorry she is so difficult to deal with but something you have to realize is that you, as an independent adult, made the personal decision to marry into a pre-existing family.  You consciously decided to accept the challenging situation.  Your stepdaughter on the other hand had no choice in the matter, the new family situation was forced upon her.  I’m not saying this makes her behavior right but you are the adult who made the decision to become part of the family – you will have to work through the challenges of the choice you made.  This girl cannot choose a different father or family but you can choose your husband.

Post # 15
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@lovingwifey: I didn’t even bother reading most of your responses but all I can say is I UNDERSTAND! I am getting married in December to the man of my dreams that is also the father too 2 spoiled children ages 12 and 14. It sounds awful to say that but honestly at times I just can’t even take my 12 year old step son he drives me nuts. I have actually bonded with my 14 year old step daughter nicely so  I do like doing things with her. My step son on the other hand is a disrespectful ungreatful little stink most of the time. The other morning he called me a “Dumb B**ch” because I was trying to get him up to go to school. He does get in trouble but nothing to serious. It’s frustrating but just a part of life I guess. We also go to therepy every week and it doesn’t change the therepist has said it won’t change till he decides to make the changes and has also said there is not much else we can do except get stricter on him.

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