Post # 1
I’m in a bit of an emotional roller coaster here. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We both have a strong Christian faith and enjoy spending time with each other. We have supported each other through highs and lows. We have our arguments sometimes, but we work through them and don’t leave angry.
I have asked him about getting married, for the last year and a half. There have been times I thought he might propose, in front of his family, but it didn’t happen. He told me he would propose by March this year, but it didn’t happen. He needed more time to be sure and, although it wasn’t easy, I waited for him. We agreed by the end of May he would propose.
For the past month I have seen a change and he seems very sure about us. However, it is now June and no ring. He says he is sure and just needs time to plan out the proposal. They way he mentioned it, a couple of weeks ago, he said we would go see his family and he was going to shop for rings there. That did not happen. He did not make things clear to me. He did apologize, but I am still kind of hurt that he didn’t think his explanation, and ring shopping talk, might get a girl to think he would propose in front of his family.
I am just so tired of waiting now and unsure it will happen. He tells me that this time is different, and it seems like it is, but there’s no proof. I think it probably will happen, but I am just so tired of the disappointment and I’m afraid I will get tired of him letting me down. I know he was traveling every week for work, last month, but I still don’t understand why He didn’t think of buying a ring ahead of time, maybe in April, and put it away until he was sure. He knows I have been waiting a long time and it hurts I have to wait now on simply the ring. I know work was busy for him last month, and he is getting into renovating his house for us. It seems like that’s a priority over moving things along in our relationship and planning a proposal. It may not be true, but it feels that way. The renovating the house, I have been helping him with and we could do more of that together when we are married.
I think the proposal has been on his mind, but he is a person that puts things off that maybe are a lot for him to handle? It’s just, at this point, it doesn’t feel like much of a surprise anymore and he told me not to get too excited. Advice?
Post # 2
welcome to the boards, Bee. You’re about to get a ton of advice, but let me sum it up for you: if he wanted to marry you, he would marry you. He wouldn’t make every excuse in the book or delay it for any reason. He passed the date he said he would propose, and you’re still sitting around waiting. It’s time to tell him what you want and when you want it. If you don’t you can’t complain about him not acting.
I recommend reading through the “waiting” boards… they’re full of this exact post.
Post # 4
Can you imagine how much trouble he’d be in if he blew through that many timelines at work? He’s basically just lying to you now. He lied about proposing by March, he lied about proposing in May. It’s totally unacceptable IMO that he did that. If he wasn’t ready, that’s one thing, but be honest. Instead, he strung you along for longer, and is continuing to do so.
Post # 5
It sounds like he hasn’t expressed any interest in marrying you (independent of conversations that you have initiated.) I wouldn’t say this is an issue of a procrastinating boyfriend so much as it’s an issue of a woman who is wanting something that her partner doesn’t want but (for whatever reason) he doesn’t feel comfortable saying, “I do not want this.” or “I do not want to do this at this time.”
Post # 6
Because of your Christian faith, I’m wary to recommend what I normally would: for you to take the reins and propose to him, or at least to open a discussion about mutually getting engaged. It is my view that you do not need a proposal or a ring, and that in 2021, those are nothing more than traditions (such as taking your husband’s last name). I’m going to assume you are more traditional.
The good news here is, he told you perhaps the most important thing you need to know. He told you not to get too excited about a surprise. Whatever the reason is (work or home renovations taking priority, not being able to afford a ring, or just not putting a lot of effort into ring shopping or crafting an elaborate proposal), he hasn’t kept his word. This is a telltale sign of what you might experience in your marriage. He might drag his feet on a household task that has to be done, or in childcare responsibilities. It’s a red flag, IMO. If he told you that he needed more time, you could’ve talked about that. But the lack of communication in letting the agreed upon timeline pass with radio silence is not good.
Post # 7
What does he need to be sure of? After 3 years, he should know if he wants to marry you or not. He also blew two timelines without communicating with you until you brought it up. This isn’t going to bode well.
Post # 8
Passing by each of his self imposed deadlines with no communication is totally unacceptable and BS. He could have planned better but there is no reason he needs a ring or a fancy occasion in order to propose. All it takes is two people willing to make a commitment to one another. He hasn’t been.
Post # 9
Stop working on the house of someone who can’t keep his promises to propose. Or, apparently, level with you about how he feels.
No guarantees with this guy, so stop putting your sweat into what is now and may well always be his house.
Post # 10
He has already blown 2 timelines/promises. He is not acting like someone who is interested in getting married. Do you think an employer would have kept him around for blowing off 2 deadlines with no word? He is taking you for granted because he knows he can get away with it. After marriage, do you think he’ll change? He’ll drag his feet with no communication on other aspects of life.
If he doesn’t want to get married, he should say so rather than giving you (and then ignoring) TWO concrete dates by which he promised to commit.
On the waiting boards, you will see stories of many men who string their girlfriends along because they’re comfortable and happy enough to stay, and don’t want to lose that, but think they can do better.
Post # 11
Honestly, I would find it very hard to marry somebody who was actively in the throws of figuring ouf if they want to be with me. It took me several years to figure out I wanted to be with my husband (About two more than it took him!) But when I proposed I was all in and I had been for a long time. He had no reason to doubt that I wasn’t a thousand percent sure of us (and I was in fact, that share—still am!) It sounds like he isn’t really, and so he’s floundering because he kind of has doubts.
It’s ok for you to say that you are ready to move on if that’s where he is at. And to mean it. And even to live it. You can’t give somebody else a deadline for when they are sure. But you can give yourself a deadline for when you will no longer stay in a realtionship with a person who isn’t sure about you.
Post # 12
Hi, fellow Christian here. Just wanted to say the same thing as everyone else, because they’re right. If he wanted to marry you, he’d propose. He has broken two timelines/promises, which says a lot about his character. He said before he wasn’t ready, so accept that and make a decision based off of that. He isn’t ready. Are you willing to wait and stay for IF and when he is ever ready?
Post # 13
He told you by March, you agreed by end of May, he said he was going to shop for rings and lo and ‘behold he didn’t. Now he wants time to plan a proposal that should have happened last March.
Why you want to marry a man who lies and breaks promises like this is beyond me. If he really wanted to get married he would have stuck to his own timeline and proposed in March. He’s managed to buy and start renovating a house so there’s no reason he couldn’t have gotten a ring and proposed too.
If he’s deadly serious about getting married then tell him you want a proposal by the weekend with or without a ring. He’ll either propose and you can get on with your lives or he’ll make yet another excuse and let you know for sure he has no interest in marrying you.
Post # 14
A man who wants to get married will propose. Period.
Bee–you should hold out for a man who wants what you want. Don’t marry someone who tells you what you want to hear to keep the peace and then keeps moving the goalposts. Marry someone who wants to plan a future with you. Marry someone you can trust.
And stop working on his house.
Post # 15
Jesus in my understanding definitely did not say that women could not be actively involved in engagements. What about christianity in your view suggests otherwise?