Procrastinating boyfriend

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
834 posts
Busy bee

I’m an atheist, so I don’t know as much about Christianity as some others do.  I wasn’t trying to say that the OP’s faith prevented her from being involved in proposing or otherwise discussing getting engaged, but rather that I was under the assumption that she was more traditional and wanted to wait for her boyfriend to propose.

Post # 17
Member
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

I am hearing very loud alarm bells.  What he is doing is not matching what he says.  HUGE RED FLAG.  I agree with everything everyone has said.  This is a very bad way for him to be treating a lady, and does not bode well at all for the future.

Post # 18
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

On general principle, there is a lot wrong with a man who will tell you he is going to do something and then goes back on his word. It makes it worse when you consider that he’s willing to lie to you about something as serious as moving your relationship toward marriage.

There is a reason he’s stalling and none of us here can tell you. In 95% of situations we see on this board, the man is dragging his feet because he doesn’t want to marry the woman he’s with. The other five percent of cases, it’s all over the board. No matter which group your relationship falls into, there’s one key issue it all comes down to–poor communication skills. He’s not communicating with you effectively about the delays or what he sees for your future. Big red flag, flapping in the breeze. 

Post # 19
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@Adreanna:  What part of having a ‘strong Christian faith’ involves lying to your girlfriend twice about proposing to her?

I’m not trying to be mean here, just realistic.  Your boyfriend may talk big about his faith, but right now, he’s not living it too well.

You could have a serious conversation with him and agree a time by which you will be engaged or else walk away.  But to be honest, in your place, I would be reluctant to commit myself in marriage to a guy who can’t be trusted to keep his word.

I’m guessing that as a Christian, you will be taking the marriage vows very seriously – and the more seriously you are going to take your vows, the more careful you need to be about who you make them to.  So please think long and hard before commiting yourself to a man who does not keep his word xxx

Post # 20
Member
291 posts
Helper bee

Bee, have you allowed him the space to be able to be upfront with you? There’s no telling what’s on his mind until you get him to really say why he hasn’t proposed. He might want to be with you, but just isn’t ready, yet, and doesn’t want to cause any discomfort in your relationship. Though not realizing he IS causing discomfort and distrust by making you question him all the time. If I were you, i would sit him down and instead of asking if he did any ring shopping, calmly ask him why he has stalled and that you want to know because this is your life as well, and if you are to marry, you both should be comfortable enough to be honest with each other. Even if you have different goals or opinions. 

I would sit him down and ask him if he feels ready or not, and that if he is not ready, you need to decide what you may do, and that isn’t something you have to make a decision in a day over. 

Also, he shouldn’t be pressured into doing something if he doesn’t want to do it, and if that’s the case he needs to be upfront with his feelings. I would tell him you feel as if you are forcing him, and that isn’t fair to you, either. Xx

Post # 21
Member
491 posts
Helper bee

There are tons of similar posts in Waiting that you should check out. They might help bring you some clarity. 

Post # 22
Member
10700 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@stateofbeeing:  

What has his Christian faith to do with it? The only possible affect might be no sex before marriage, but since he ( not they) appear to be fixing up a house for them so idk .

View original reply
@Adreanna:  

OP ,can you please stop this olde worlde girlish passivity waiting around so you can say ‘  La Sir Jasper you do me too much honour …’ and instead institute and follow trough a conversation where you actually demonstrate your agency in your own life. FFS. 

  • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by elderberry.
Post # 23
Member
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

You’re trying to play the cool girl. Stop. It doesn’t serve anyone. Ever. I promise.

If you want to be married, this may not be the guy for you.

And stop renovating HIS home. Work on your own stuff. Try to do some soul searching and understand why you are being passive in regard to decisions that totally and thoroughly affect you and your life. 

Post # 24
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee

Something else was bugging me about your post and now I know what it was –  you mention renovating his house and how you can do more after you’re married – has this actually been agreed between you during a discussion about where you would live after marriage, or has he just assumed that you will move in with him?

There is nothing wrong with making his home the marital home if that is what you both want.  But there does need to be a discussion about it, as there should be about any major decision.  So if he has just assumed that you will move in with him, that would be another area of concern for me. 

For us, it was a no brainer that my OH would move in with me after marriage – his house was not suitable and we knew we would be relocating within the first year of marriage, so it didn’t make any sense for us to find a new place together when we’d only have to leave it a few months later.  But even though it was ‘obvious’ what we should do, we still discussed it and made sure we were both happy with the decision.

Post # 25
Member
4703 posts
Honey bee

This is a tale as old as time. He does not want to get married, but he’s a wimp and doesn’t want to be the bad guy. 

Post # 26
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve learned I have some different opinions from most bees when it comes to this topic. And I’ve been waiting for a proposal as well. How do you know he didn’t go ring shopping. How do you know he’s not planning something. He could be trying to plan and surprise something and wasn’t able to do it in his original time line. Covid may have delayed a ring, he wants to talk to your family, he wants to make it perfect. Of course he’s going to “lie and deceive” to keep it a surprise. 

I am not saying this is ALWAYS the case but you need to consider it. Have a serious conversation with him (sounds like you have) and let him know your frustrations and feelings. If you feel he’s being genuine and wants to be with you then let him know where you’re coming from but try to see his side as well. 

Post # 27
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@lyni12:  Seriously?!!!!  You think it’s ok for a man to ‘lie and deceive’ because HE wants to do a proposal HIS way, in spite of what he previously promised his girlfriend?

Ok, it’s a free world and if that floats your boat, go with it.  But if a guy is prepared to be dishonest to get his own way before engagement, he’s definitely going to feel it’s ok to be dishonest post marriage too.  So before you get too comfortable with a lying boyfriend, make sure you’re ok with the long term implications of that.

Post # 28
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@teaandcake:  I’m using “lying and deceiving ” in quotations because to me there’s a difference in saying “oh I haven’t thought about it” and knowing they have. Each relationships different and in this particular one it sounds like that level of trust isn’t there. There is always more to what’s posted online so we can’t always give the right answer. 

Post # 29
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

I know it’s an unpopular opinion and I know for my relationship it works for us. I trust him, I know a proposal is coming, I know he wants to do it a certain way and he knows that if he doesn’t propose I’ll do the proposing itself. I do think sometimes we’re a bit quick to judge other bees relationships when we only see one side of it. 

Post # 30
Member
816 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@lyni12:  Just curious, he knows if he doesn’t propose you’ll do the proposing yourself. Is that something you agreed between yourselves when you discussed your timeline? How long will you give him to propose before you ask him yourself? 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors