Procrastinating boyfriend

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

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@lyni12:  This may be true in your case if you haven’t discussed a specific timeline, but in the OPs case, her original post clearly states “He told me he would propose by March this year, but it didn’t happen. He needed more time to be sure and, although it wasn’t easy, I waited for him. We agreed by the end of May he would propose.
    For the past month I have seen a change and he seems very sure about us. However, it is now June and no ring. “

So he has twice promised to propose by a specific point and twice broken that promise.  In my book that’s lying.  And please don’t give me any rubbish about ‘needing time to plan’.  It doesn’t need months of planning to say ‘please will you marry me?’  You don’t need a ring to get engaged, but even if you do want one, loads of guys have managed to propose with a ring during Covid, so he’s out of excuses.

Post # 32
Member
10526 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@lyni12:  

l find that very confusing, if you say you ‘know’  he is going to propose why do you have to threaten to do it yourself if he doesn’t? 

Let alone the ( to me) incomprehensible situation of two people who love each other, are intending to marry one another , messing about with ‘planning ‘ and ‘waiting’ and heaven knows what in order to say ‘ will you marry me ‘ and ‘yes’. 

Post # 33
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

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@elderberry:  I know he’s going to propose in the next few months just not an exact date (which I wouldn’t want to know). If he doesn’t propose by end of year for some crazy reason I’ll propose myself. He wants to do the proposal a certain way and I’m ok with that. Just like I wanted certain things in a ring and I’ve asked to not have our families there. It’s not just my engagement/proposal it’s his as well. 
the sss as me could be said for why go through a while wedding when you can get a paper signed at the court house. Some people want more than that. I couldn’t care if he proposes as I get out of the shower tomorrow morning but he wants something more than that. 

Post # 34
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

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@mrsceebee:  I had originally joked about it a few years ago before even talking about engagement seriously and said oh well I’m the type of girl who will just propose myself when I’m ready. And then as we started having those conversations he had said you better not propose it’s my job. So I said ok if that’s how you feel then you can do it but I’m not going to give you forever. If he doesn’t propose by end of year I’ll propose. I know he’s working on a plan and while I want a shiny ring and to call him my fiancé it really won’t drastically change much for us. 

Post # 36
Member
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@lyni12:  what you describe in terms of surprising and lying to do that is what needs to change. It’s completely inappropriate and damaging to a relationship and trust to deceive your partner and keep them in the dark about a proposal. That proposal culture or whatever you call it needs to stop and be replaced with healthy adult behavior. 

Here is what proposals should look like in a healthy scenario. Two people date long enough for them to initiate conversations about being married. Both agree they would like to be engaged by a certain timeline. The guy then doesn’t delay the proposal for months or years and doesn’t try to trick his partner in anyway into doubting his intentions just to get a suprise reaction. Instead he plans a proposal and proposes quickly and within the timeline that was discussed. 

And you know what drives me INSANE?!! The FACT that if you really wanted to suprise someone with a proposal you would do it at the beginning of the timeline as possible knowing the woman is likely thinking you won’t propose until it’s more towards the end of the timeline. 

Post # 37
Member
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Op, him blowing past his timelines is shitty but I’m not altogether convinced he just doesn’t want to marry you. I think like another poster said, it’s not great but the thing to do is to have another conversation with him about it. 

Just sit him down and say, look it’s been hard for me to see you blow past two dates that you were going to propose by. I really need a partner who is a man of his word. A relationship without trust isn’t something I am interested in. I know that behavior isn’t something you would do at work to your boss if he gave you a project and a deadline. Our relationship deserves the same if not more respect than you show at your place of work. I’m willing to give this another try but I need to know you are going to step up and stick to your word with a proposal this time. I would like to be engaged by the end of this month. Since you have been planning for a while this shouldn’t be a problem. 

good luck bee! And if you get pushback you can reply with a simple, this relationship consists of two people. I have just as much a say in where it goes as you do. Do not dismiss my feelings or wants on this. This is a joint decision. 

Post # 38
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

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@beethree:  I’ve been a part of the ring buying process including making sure it fits correctly. That post is asking how others fit so I know if it should be looser

Post # 39
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Hi Adreanna, your post is almost identical to my situation, to the point I thought maybe my SO is also dating you too 😂😂. My SO and I have been together 2 1/2 years, are also Christ followers ,and try to abstain from sex until marriage although it has been tough during the pandemic. He also travels for work weekly and is renovating his new house. I have stopped helping him with home renovations and told him I will help him more when I know he will be committing to marrying me and it will be our life our home and not just his life.  

 

He has been talking about proposing to me since last May, his deadline for the proposal that we discussed together was January 2021 and he knows it disappointed me when the deadline was not met however his very close Grandfather passed away in November of 2021…so of course I have been patient with him and understanding with the situation. 

 

The only part I am getting caught up in is that at Christmas he told me he had a ring made for me but now I have come to find out there “was no ring”…I confronted him about this and told him it’s a problem for our relationship future if he thinks he can lie to me. He told me he felt pressured by everyone and he knew I was expecting something which is ” why he told me he had a ring”. Now since the end of May 2021 he has been telling me he is really truly getting a ring and says I will have a ring on my finger by the end of June and before July 2021…he has now said this several times. It almost sounds like he is pumping himself up for the occasion…???

 

I was wondering your age and also wanted to ask you–it sounds like your SO is on a track with his crappy planning, meanwhile what is your plan? I think it is good in these situations to realize we are both individuals and independent of our SO’s especially when there is not a solid commitment. My advice is to focus on yourself, have a few tough conversations but don’t overwhelm the situation and leave it up to him while doing your own stuff. Make it clear what your intentions are and what you are not willing to wait for, communication and compromise are essential parts of marriage. and be ready to leave if there is still no action on his part, 

I’m still living it too girl, much love and praying for you both.

Post # 40
Member
798 posts
Busy bee

@Ciera Alicia A

You still want to marry this guy even thought he passed the agreed timeline and lied to you about buying a ring, then pulled the ‘feeling pressured’ line? What’s your plan if he doesn’t have the ring on your finger by the end of June?

  • This reply was modified 5 days, 19 hours ago by mrsceebee.
Post # 41
Member
5336 posts
Bee Keeper

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@Ciera Alicia A:  So when your guy is under ‘pressure” he ….lies. Not a great habit. Are you preparing for what you’re going to do if he blows past the June deadline?

Post # 42
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

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@mrsceebee:  Leave him, after a very serious conversation I am going to suggest that he seeks therapy for himself.  I have a lot going on and I am not willing to engage in a cycle of lies,  I don’t have time for it and we are 31 yrs old pretty much what I already told him. He also knows I have a backbone and I don’t put up with things. I also think it is important in context, his Grandfather passed and he didn’t want to associate our engagement with his Grandfathers recent passing. Lying about the ring however was a no-no for me.

Post # 43
Member
798 posts
Busy bee

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@Ciera Alicia A:  Did he discuss moving the timeline with you though or did he just let it pass without consulting you? 

Post # 44
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

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@Ciera Alicia A:  he also said he was afraid I would leave him if he didn’t have a ring nor a plan back in December , he is right I’m preparing to have some deal breaking conversations if he doesn’t make moves soon and like you all are pointing out lying is unacceptable but forgiveness is a thing, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and I’m out of here…Pretty much where I am now.

Post # 45
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

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@mrsceebee:  he talked to me about it and it was the elephant in the room for both of us, we have good communication most of the time. He cried and spoke about everything happening with his Grandfather, we bonded over it as well, I lost my Grandfather as well a while ago and my Grandfather was also like a second Father to me. 

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