(Closed) Progress….I think?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Hi, Ive just looked through your posts to get myself familiar with your situation. I am glad to hear you’re happy to be feeling the progress…but I’m confused. You ended the post venting so you’re not all that happy?

I have some questions though. How did you come to put roof over his head and pay the bills so he can save? Are you sacrificing your finances for him? I’m asking beause I’m just not familiar with this kind of arrangement. I don’t mean to sound harsh or anything but why is he having his life easier BY you? Especially you seem to be questionning this yourself and not happy with it?

After reading your other posts I feel like you deserve much more than this arrangement… Sorry if I’m missing something.

Post # 4
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

I am glad he has finally admitted it- now if we could only get him to stop thinking of more reasons why not to propose not…. you are making progress =)

Post # 6
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@msnelson13:It sounds like your living situation has built up resentment. Honestly, your debt IS his debt if you are married. That not getting paid off faster takes away a substantial amount of money that the two of you could have had later on in life. The interest on the mortgage from not accelerating the payments by charging him rent is insane (the amount, not you – you are not insane).

I don’t think it’s fair to use a financial setup that you set up as leverage for negative feelings towards him. This isn’t about money. It’s about him not being able to communicate his thoughts and feelings in a way that is satisfying to you. Communication is what makes marriages work – i’d really think hard on whether he’s the right one.

Post # 7
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@crayfish:  I don’t think finaces are the main cause of msnelson’s upseted-ness – it’s the fact that one “excuse” waiting ladies hear, that of not being able to afford a ring/wedding/house, wahtever, before her man gets on one knee doesn’t seem to be the case in this one.  IN this one, it’s all pretty much been about fairly typical male-cold-feet.  I, too, don’t understand waiting for the sake of waiting, unless you count waiting for Christmas or birthdays to open your gifts, but even then there is a solid reason for waiting that is pertty much understood by anyone over 2.  I know two guys getting married this year, and while they are aquiecing to their fiancees’ wishes about plans, they mostly see the set up, from invitation to rehersal dinner to dress fittings and guest lists as superflous.  They are okay with the whole “I do” at the alter at this point, it’s all the hoopla involved that they don’t get.  So, while msnelson has finally heard the “I DO want to marry you,” words from “mrnelson”  she still has yet to hear, “will you marry me”, which used to come at the same time as the first phrase, but now, after reading this board, seems to commonly come later…. sometimes much later from the modern man.

As for the debt being shared after marraige – yes and no – it depends on how they want to handle money.  I, for one, don’t know that I’d want to share a bank account totally with my SO, even though I share my life with him… he randomly checks online and often guesses how much he has in his acocunts while I check mine and reconcile almost every day to keep abreast of bills and loan payments, and genrally being OC about money like that.  Also, I can’t fiure out how ;d be able to surprise my SO on his birhday should we finally marry and share accounts as well as a last name since he would have access to our spending.  Also, he has huge student loan debt, while I’ve been slowly paying mine off, and plan on helping him with his debt, but am facing resistance, because he wants to take care of it himself. 

Maintaining control of the mortgage, at this point, is really only one thing msnelson can do to feel she has control over her future and her life – that’s the whole problem with this whole waiting thing.  The woman feels she has turned over all control for her future to a man who may or may not waiver between expressions of cold feet and whole-hearted enthusiasm for the future. 

PS – Why is he thinking a rehersal dinner needs to cost thousands of dollars?  Are Will and Kate attending? ๐Ÿ˜›  Seriously, the dinner doesn’t have to be that schmancy. 

Post # 8
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

@msnelson13: Sweety I know EXACTLY how you feel, I swear to god it has to do with the type of men in that profession (SO comes from a long line of auditors and is an accountant himself). I’m very happy you finally have a real answer, I still don’t; all I’m getting is “I’m not ready” when sober and confusion when he’s drunk. I think he’s just scared. He says the exact same things about money too. Although, he’s the one that wants a big wedding when I’m honestly fine with anything, small or large, as long as I can decorate and it’s not a courthouse. However if he has it, that’s news to me. He’s still paying student loans, car payments, and, imo, blowing it on useless stuff once in a while.

Sorry, turned into a vent!

Bottom Line: I completely understand your frustration.

Post # 9
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

Wow…

Have you told him how you feel?  I mean, when he started cheaping out about the Rehearsal Dinner, did you SAY that it was annoying to hear because he can more than afford a modest Rehearsal Dinner, and that is because you have taken on the brunt of your living expenses?  I think you should say that to him.  Maybe he can hear how awful it sounds.

I have to say, your arrangement concerns me too.  From your post, it sounds like he’s been “unsure” of you in the past, and now what’s holding him up is money – actually,  imaginary money problems.  It sounds like he could use a tact lesson tand a reality check.  I’m not sure I would put up with it.

There’s being frugal, but this is something else.  I am not sure I’d want to hitch my wagon to that.  I would be sure to get clear on money before you get married.  And I would also strongly suggest that you have him start paying for more.  You pay the mortgage, groceries and your half of trips?  Damn, he can’t spring for the trips?! 

I would strongly suggest you revisit the arrangement.  If he has a chunk of change saved up, it’s enough already, and the fact is… you are not married.  You are not even engaged.  You should protect yourself.  If you break up, he comes out way ahead, and there’s not much you can do about it.  It sounds like you’ve been way too accommodating.

I’m sorry – I really hope it works out and you do get married sooner rather than later.  I just felt like I had to say all that in case no one else is telling you!  It sounds like you’re doing a lot of sacrificing.

Good luck to you.

Post # 10
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Isilme: The answer to suprising your Darling Husband with a birthday gift if you’ve joined finances: Darling Husband and I will set aside a certain credit card near our birthdays (which both happen to be right after Christmas). He does his shopping on one card, I do mine on the other. And we both agree not to check the other card until after the birthday or holiday. Works like a charm ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 12
Member
43 posts
Newbee

so when is your 4 year anniversary?  ARe you going to break up with him then?

Post # 13
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

You know you’re allowed to comment on his finances right?  That money wouldn’t be there if you didn’t give him a free roof over his head.  If he comments on the price of anything then you should say “But we’ve been saving up for years for this as I’ve been footing the bills, yes WE have”.  Because that money he has been saving by living under your roof is money for your future together, as is the investment in your house.

You need to talk to the guy.  Don’t be afraid to lay it all out there.  Get blunt, get honest.  If he’s going to go insane or mean at you because of it or get “sarcastic” then you need to wonder if he is worth marrying.

Have you had a talk about the effect his working hours will have on children etc?  Or needing him to take some time to help you do any wedding preparation?  I think you need to be on the same page.  It sounds like he will keep giving you every excuse you/he can think of until you either wear him out and he “shuts you up” or you just accept the status quo.

I’m sorry for saying this.  But to me it sounds like you made little progress.  He told you something you wanted to hear, but it came with a moan about the rehearsal dinner costing him money.  Your dude has it SWEET, why would he change anything?  Earn heaps, spend nothing… taken care of. ๐Ÿ™

I hope he really comes through for you sweets. xox

Post # 14
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

Look, none of us really knows your relationship.  I hope he really is great, but from what you have posted, I agree with Tobin – he has it made.  He has no incentive to get married.  I’m not saying he’s a user, or a jerk in that way – I bet he’s not.  But he may be a little clueless about how this looks to you, and unless you tell him, it may not occur to him naturally.

It would drive me insane to be married to someone with such a warped view of money.  I mean what will happen when you do get married and another expensive “step” occurs.  Is he going to drag his feet on kids?  Or moving to a new house? Is everything going to be a battle?

I know you didn’t start this thread for it to become a discussion of your financial arrangement, but since you brought it up, I think we feel the need to point out that it may be part of the problem.  You say it’s part of feeling independent, and that’s good, but there’s nothing wrong with making sure your partner is pulling his weight.  If you had asked him to pay something in rent all these years, you could have a significant amount saved in your name.  Have you talked about what would happen to his savings after you get married?

And it drives me crazy when people say such blanket things like, “That’s how men are.”  I bet it makes people feel better to make generalizations like that, but it’s just not true. 

Post # 15
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@tarlonda:  I think in the realm of internet message boads, it’s usually best to assume a qualifier of “most, many, several, a large percent, etc…” are implied when making blanket statements.  It’s pretty much understood by most people that there are exception to most rules, and that for every 5, 40, or 1,000 men who do one thing (or women, cats, bunnies or frogs) there is at least one who does not do said thing.  The internet, sadly, does not encourage proper writing, and since the majority of ladies on here are using this as a safe place to vent and simply speak in a fairly anonymous manner, generalizations will be made, comparisons will be made, and people will make blanket statements, as well as using the wrong word or, like me, will have numerous typos (Sorry about that).  Until my rhetoric and composition teacher starts grading internet posts, I think we’re safe to err in this informal environment.  Heck, half the reason my posts are so long is because I was rigidly trained in a manner of writing that avoids blanket statements, so all the additional words (most, many, several, a large percent, etc…) make my thoughts into novelas ๐Ÿ˜›

If you’re lucky enough that many men in your life are not showing the same thought and behavior patterns as, say, msnelson’s, then just be happy.  Realize that people often don’t write generalizations unless they’ve encountered a significant number of people who fit that bill, and the frustration or need to “speak” that drove everyone to this board can often make people emotional when they type and try to express themselves.

**steps off soap box**

Post # 16
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

msnelson,

I for one want to say that I’m very happy he’s finally admitted you’re the one – I really truly am.  I have been following your posts and this is a big step for him.  I’m following your posts very regularly actually because in the non-comiittal sense, I’m in the same boat with my SO.  I often feel like the only one on these boards who doesn’t totally open discuss marriage plans on a regular basis…or even at all…with their SO.  I’m not waiting in the sense that he’s said “I want to marry you and I want to do it in one year.”  Or,  “one day we’ll get married.”  We’re obviously not looking for rings.  You and I are wainting in a different sense……waiting for him to admit, give in or say that he wants to get married.  However you want to phrase it.   My SO isn’t an auditor, but he sounds a lot like your guy in many ways.  Not the financial part…..he’s the one who helps me out and does so on a regular basis. Without him I would have filed bankruptcy at this point.  Your financial arrangement is your business, whatever makes you comfortable is what you should do.  I don’t reallly feel “great” about what you’ve described, but that’s not for me to decide. 

I kNOW my SO is in love with me and I know he wants to be with me forever.  He’s said that.  We’ve been together 2 years and 3 months.  He and I were recently divorced when we met.  AND, his divorce was ugly in so many ways.  Financially, emotionally – it was a disaster.  This woman has left him “questioning” marriage in general.  I won’t go into the details.  We took it SLOW because of our divorces.  Pretty much hit it off RIGHT AWAY and could have jumped in feet first but we didn’t.  But, it’s evolved into a vey very deep love and I can’t imagine life without him and I know he feels the same way (he says so). 

We are moving in together – at my place.  I own a house.  He owns a house but he is going to rent or sell.  whichever is the most profitable…we’re working on that.  He KNOWS I want to get married because we had this conversation back in the summer.  At that point he said “I’m not ready and I have to do it when I’m ready.”   You see…he never proposed to his ex.  She just started telling people they were getting married, and they hadn’t even discussed it.  He confronted her when he found out she was telling everyone and she begged and pleaded and told him she would give him the money she was going to inherit.  It’s a long log story. Bottom line, he wasn’t ready and did it anyway and it turned out to be a disaster.  So, he wants to “be the one to decide when” and he’s a litte gunshy. 

He’s making financial investments in my home.  I’ve told him that he will not be on the deed because we’re not married.  He helps me with my finances and he’s the best SO I could ever ever ask for.  No complaints…except this one thing.  Marriage shy…….

He said “I would never say never…..”   He says “I’m not sure about this marriage thing….”  He says “I can commit to you forever.”   And he knows I want to get married one day.  I told him back in the summer “you’ve got one year.” 

And I’ve left it at that.  He seems to be getting more and more comfortable talking about marriage in general (not about me and him, just marriage in general which before was a taboo subject).  And, again, I know he loves me and I feel confident it will happen.

I want him to ask me when he’s ready.  I’m sure you understand what I’m saying here…. I don’t want to badger a man into marrying me, or convince him to marry me, or beg him with inheritance money. 

I want the fairy tale, a surprise proposal.  

So – congrats on this important step.  I hope to soon be in your shoes. As far as the rest of your issues with the finances, although I may not be comfortable with it for me, you do what’s best for you. 

I’ll keep following you!!  Best of luck and I hope you get everything you want and deserve. 

 

The topic ‘Progress….I think?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors