Post # 1
What are your takes on promise rings? At this point, I know that engagement is at least a year and a half away… Marriage at least three years away, due to me still being in school and wanting to be established in my career before getting married. Which, we’re on the same page about. We’ve only had a few marriage discussions, and we’ve agreed that after college, after establishing career. But I would really like a bit more of a commitment… If that even makes sense. Did any of you ever feel this way?
Post # 3
Personally I am not that keen on promise rings mainly because it was big in highschool for boys to give them to their GFs if they had been together for awhile and I don’t know ANYONE who still is in those relationships!
I guess everyone is different but I have been fully committed to Mr. M for almost 6 years and we have been living together for 4 of those years and we own a house and a dog together! So I have felt like we are pretty much married for years and we were just waiting for the finances to get in order!
I am kinda worried as to why you want more commitment from him that you think a promise ring would solve? What are you needing from him that you are not getting to feel more of this commitment? If you are worried about him doing something that you don’t want him too – do you really think that a promise ring is going to stop him from doing it?
Post # 4
We too have a dog together and are in the process of buying a house together. I’m feeling really impatient knowing that engagement and marriage are so far off even though we very much live as a married couple. I guess my real issues lie with the way others perceive the relationship. I feel as though it’s very stable but I’m letting others’ comments get to me. When I share the amazingly exciting news that we’re buying a house together, I’m met with comments like “But you’re not married? Or even engaged?” Or worse, along those lines. I know I already have the promise that a promise ring symbolizes. I guess I just want a concrete symbol of it.
Did you ever have people make comments like that? How does one deal in a situation like that?
Post # 5
I got those comments for years. I dated my now-fiance for two years (long distance) while I was in college. When I graduated, I knew I didn’t want to move back with my parents, so we moved in together. I heard everything from why buy the cow, etc. to “what are you waiting for?” We lived together for three years before we got engaged. I felt our relationship was solid and committed and I was never “waiting” for an engagement ring or proposal. We live in a wonderful home, have two great cats, and a happy life together. All this while I ignored what people were saying. Don’t let it get to you.
Post # 6
Yeah, I try not to. It just kind of cuts a little deeper when it’s from family. The irony of it all is that I know I don’t want to get married now. I know that I want to wait at least another year and a half to think about getting engaged and at least three to get married.
Yet, I’m a bit impatient. lol, I’m such a confused person. I guess I just want to hear from him more that he wants to get married after I establish my career, and be reminded that he feels the same way I do. Maybe I should talk to him about it instead of thinking that jewelry will solve it.
Post # 7
My husband and I started dating in high school, and about a year after being in college, he bought me one. I wasn’t expecting it, and he really meant it, so I just loved it. I wore it for about 6 years, until we got engaged, and now its on my right hand. I certainly don’t think they are necessary, and I would never expect one, but it is a nice gesture on his part if he does it on his own and if you know it’ll be quite a while before the engagement.
In your situation, though, isn’t buying a house together a huge promise? I wouldn’t worry about what other people say, you know where you and your SO stand.
Post # 8
I remember that same feeling but I think it’s not something that a piece of metal and a little diamond can fix. For me, it was the word boyfriend. It just sounds so casual and impermanent it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, people just don’t take you as seriously.
I have a friend whose “boyfriend” was very hurt by his parents divorce and as a result never wants to get married. (“Why fix something that’s not broken?”) They’ve been together for 8 years or so, own a house and have started trying to have a baby but technically she is his girlfriend even though they are more married than I will be in a month. Since I’ve become aware of the situation I’ve thought that there needs to be a title for those who, for whatever reason, aren’t engaged but are far beyond the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Maybe the Bees can coin one? There are enough of us we might be able to make it fairly common! lol
Post # 9
Part of the reason I’ve been thinking about it is because for our first Christmas together, he got me a heart necklace and I love it. Even when we’re arguing or whatever, it reminds me that he does love me.
He isn’t one for many words or sweet nothings. I asked him about this early in the relationship and after meeting his family, I really understood it. He told me that his family didn’t not ever say “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” or anything like that. And throughout our relationship, he’s shown his love more than he’s talked about it. He’ll help me with my resume or change my oil or do the dishes or buy me flowers, just because. So I guess that’s why a promise ring first popped into my head.
But I definitely agree with caitlanc. We need a word for more-than-boyfriend-not-quite-fiance.
Post # 10
I think the key to not letting those comments bother me is that I am confident in what I am doing! I know what me and Mr. M have and really that is all that matters!
Where I live it is very common to get married in your later twenties, live with your SO before marriage for a significant amount of time, and many do not get married at all!
A lot of people use partner or SO here when referring to their life partner – because Mr. M is more than my Boyfriend or Best Friend he is my life partner – but I wasn’t comfortable saying it because it seems to be a term reserved for same sex couples. So I just say “my SO Mr. M” and then refer to him as Mr. M from there in after – that worked for me!
You have the commitment you want and a little ring is not going to stop the comments. Just be confident in what you have and let them roll of your back!
Post # 11
Thanks! I should have known that all along, but it helps to hear it. 🙂
Post # 12
Just being honest here… I think they’re ridiculous. Either you’re engaged or your not. IMO, it’s a nice gesture but more of a gift jewelry than an e-ring. But then again, I’m also in my mid 30’s. Might feel different if I was younger.
Post # 13
I was given a ring for Christmas, for our 1-year anniversary. It wasn’t a promise ring, but an “i love you” ring and was very sweet. I did start wearing it on my left finger because, in my mind, I was permanently taken. Now we are married, and he said it always made him feel good to know that I cared enough about him to show to everyone that I was completely off limits, as judged by the amethyst on my left hand. We were still in college and not ready to become engaged, but were beyond the “we’re dating” stage.
It did hurt to be wearing it as I got older and he was deployed and for people to mistake it for an engagement ring (they assumed he was a poor enlisted private I guess!) and then have to explain “no, he’s my Boyfriend or Best Friend of 3.5 years” but “no we aren’t engaged yet” and then explain why “so he is more financially stable and can buy a nicer ring and a not so long engagement”. How do you possibly explain that he won’t propose until he can buy you something he seems worthy enough?! Oye.
There should be a stage for bf-not-quite-fi, lol. I hear “bf/gf” and I think “not serious”
Post # 14
I’m personally not a fan of them. Idk, I feel like if you are going to make that promise, might as well buy the real thing! Even if that means it has to be a long engagement or a not so great ring that gets upgraded earlier. If he wanted to give you a ring as a gift to show his love to you fine, but calling it a promise ring, imo, is just a little silly. I don’t believe in making promises unless you really mean it, and if you really mean it, imo, then just get engaged! But, that’s me and my opinion lol I also married quite young though so that probably influences my thoughts.
Post # 15
If you’re upset by the comments people are giving you now, then I’d advise against getting a promise ring. To me (and I’m sure a lot of other people) promise rings bring up the image of high school “relationships” – that is to say they are seen as a joke; not to be taken seriously. I guarantee that if you get a promise ring, people will not take you any more seriously than they do now, maybe less so. If you’re not going to get engaged now (and from experience I advise against getting engaged if you’re not planning to marry within 18 months- people take you even LESS seriously when you’re engaged for several years) then I advise you just find a way to ignore people’s ideas of you. What matters is that you are committed to each other, you know your relationship is strong, and you will get married when the time is right (and have the satisfaction of knowing you put yourself in a better place because you waited). If you want a pretty piece of jewelry- go for it, but I advise against calling anything a promise ring. Promise rings don’t mean anything, engagement rings, and marriage vows aren’t rock solid either. You don’t need a symbol to prove your commitment.
Post # 16
i still wear my promise ring that my Fiance gave me when we were in high school. Yes i love my engagement (of course) but my promise ring is still very close to my heart and will ALWAYS wear it.
I may not be in the majority, but my promise ring meant something to us back then and 11 years later it still means something to us. Not silly at all to me, but I realize that high school sweethearts getting married are not that common.
I think its a personal thing! 🙂