(Closed) Promised to propose…how to deal with dignity

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
730 posts
Busy bee

l would also have a gentle check-in conversation, because what happens if you prepare yourself to walk and he proposes dec 31? On the other hand, it’s my opinion that a man should never make you wait down to the wire. He should be sure. Honestly, are you sure he is right for you? I had a similar situation with my ex and I realize now that I unintentionally and subconsciously fixated on his hesitation towards commitment in order to avoid my own. It was a great relationship in many ways, but I wasn’t sure he was the one. something to consider.

if you’re sure about him, you should be comfortable and safe enough to have a gentle check-in. Have a glass of wine and relax, and mention that there’s been something on your mind, that you don’t want to press, but you do want to know if he’s still on board with the timeframe you guys made. If he says yes, smile, take a sip of wine, relax, change the subject and forget about it. If he says no or gets defensive, take a gulp of wine and think about whether this is what you want.

 

Tldr: no woman should stay with a man who isn’t 100% committed and thrilled about it. It would only make us unhappy.

 

good luck

Post # 17
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2016

As most above have said – he might need a gentle reminder of his promise to propose by 2015. Keep it light, just to get a feel for his mindset.

Are you on a year-long lease? If he has not proposed by the time to renew, hold out, but make it vague. Tell him you’re weighing your options and thinking about your priorities. You don’t want to play games, but it’s time to decide whether or not this fits into YOUR life plans. Put yourself first.

Post # 18
Member
11519 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
lalanono:  MIne promised we would be engaged by the time he was 30.  He broke that promise, by 9 months.  I dealt with it, not well.  After that timeline passed I had a rough go.  My birthday was the last straw.  If the ering hadn’t been my birthday present there would have been a chat.  I wouldn’t have threatened to leave – because I know I wouldn’t have, but I would have had a chat with him about timelines.

I think you need to get throgh the holidays.  Do your best to enjoy your time with him and not think about the ring that you want (i know that’s hard).  Your Fiance may be waiting because he wants you to be happy and in a good place and if you’re upset all the time he may not think the tmining is right!

Also – does your Fiance know it’s important to you that he ask your dad?  If he doesn’t, you may want to find a way to mention it.  I didn’t tell DH that I wanted him to ask my dad, and he didn’t.  It kind of bugged me a little but that’s on me.  we’d been together for 8.5 years, we knew that we had my parents blessing the ‘when you guys get married’ conversation had happened many many times.  But part of me wishes he’d asked, just because.

Post # 19
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

Hi OP! You two seem to have had a really great conversation regarding getting engaged prior to moving in. Your SO gave you a timeline of “by 2015” so I have a sneaking suspiscion he is thinking Christmas or New Year’s. I know it’s really hard since the holidays are creeping up, but hold him to his word. 

If your SO breaks this timeline, it’s time to have another discussion. Best of luck!

Post # 20
Member
5942 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
lalanono:  I didn’t read your whole post, but didn’t he say “engaged by 2015”? You do know it’s only 2014, right??

Post # 21
Member
333 posts
Helper bee

Also… If what you’re wanting is to just be engaged, let him know that he DOESN’T have to plan some super elaborate proposal.  He might feel pressure from that.  

Heck, I told my fiance to PLEASE not make me wait once he got the ring and to just do something special that the two of us would appreciate–but it didn’t have to be “Youtube worthy.”  He got the ring a week early, on a Friday, and proposed to me on Sunday.  He was still able to plan something during that short timeframe.  ๐Ÿ™‚  I think he was initially wanting to wait until closer to Thanksgiving so our entire families would be together, which would have been sweet… But I just REALLY wanted to be engaged, so I’m glad he didn’t make me wait another month!

Post # 22
Member
13044 posts
Honey Beekeeper

“By 2015” doesn’t necessarily mean by Jan 1, 2015.   It could mean before the end of 2015, at least in his mind. Just saying.   

Post # 23
Member
3035 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast

Maybe bring it up casually. Joke that he’s running out of time ‘before 2015’. See what his response is.  Clairfy that “by 2015” means IN 2014. And not before the end of 2015 like someone else mentioned. Make sure youre both thinking the same thing.  Then stick to the deadlilne. And don’t worry about it. 

 

I waited a long time for my proposal. We were together 5 years. He took me ring shopping at 3 years. It was a LONG 2 years of waiting thinking it could be at ‘any moment’. We passed several of my own personal ‘soft’ deadlines. But I knew I wouldn’t leave him (I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else) so my next deadline was to just give up and move on with my life without him. I went house shopping and even made an offer on a house. I included him in the process, but didn’t put his name on anything. I ended up not buying that house but he finally realized i was serious and ordered my ring. Once I knew it was ordered we went house shopping together, bought a house (both our names on it), and got engaged before we closed on the house. I just moved in this past weekend and the wedding is in May! 

 

Post # 25
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
lalanono:  It’s completely up to you whether or not you think you can keep waiting. My fiance, J and I have been together 7 years. I started talking to him about marriage after 3 years with him. He said he wasn’t emotionally or financially ready for marriage and didnt see it happening for a few years. Fast forward to May 25 of 2013, he promised that he would propose within one year–could be tomorrow, could be 365 days later. That whole year, anytime we did anything romatic, I was on my toes expecting a proposal and totally heartbroken everytime it didn’t happen. He proposed on the last possible day (my birthday). If he has never broken a promise and he openly talks about a future with you, then my opinion is to stick it out. Sometimes it’s worth the wait ๐Ÿ™‚

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by  AJ083015.
Post # 28
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Trilogy Golf Course at Glen Ivy

4 years isn’t that bad. I had to wait 8 years for mine. We lived together for 4 years, then 3 years apart. I had to move back home for family reasons. I told him I won’t move back until we’re engaged. We never got engaged those 3 years apart. I would cry every other month until I just gave up on our relationship. I just figure if he wasn’t ready now then he would never be. After 8 years together he finally pop the question. After popping the question he finally gave me his reasons. He wanted it to be perfect. He plan to pop the question a year ago in Hawaii but decided against it. He didn’t want to worry about it the whole trip so he put it off. He try again during my bday but it rain and changed his plan. He tried again when our anniversary was approaching but I had a death in the family. He was going to try again but both my little sister and brother got engaged within 3 months apart. He finally asked on Christmas Day and I said Yes. Don’t think too much into it like I did, just wait and give him time. Let him do it his way. He also mention he had the ring for 6 months before brainstorming proposal ideas. 

Post # 29
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion

This might sound a little mean, but I couldn’t imagine saying to myself: If he doesn’t propose by X date, I’m walking. If that thought even crossed my mind, I’d walk right then, because how strong could a relationship be if that’s the case? Is a marriage following that sort of ultimatum based on a firm foundation?

Don’t get me wrong, I am ALL about doing what’s best for you and walking away from a relationship in which you both are not on the same page but, at the same time, a marriage certificate isn’t going to fix what might be problems lurking in a deeper place. 

I am currently waiting for my SO to propose — he, too, said January 2015. Am I going to walk if he hasn’t proposed by 11:59 on 12/13/14? No. My SO could never propose to me and, as long as we stayed together, I really couldn’t see myself being any less happy than I am right now. 

And, again, that isn’t stopping me from wanting to get engaged. Marriage is an ultimate proclimation of love. But it doesn’t make the love any more or any less real with or without it. 

Post # 30
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
lalanono:  I could have written your story myself.  My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I had been together 6 years, lived together for 4 of them.  A big vacation that I was sure would be it came and went.  Eventually I had a melt down about if we were ever going to get married and he got kind of irritated and pleaded me to be patient.  Fairly shortly thereafter, he proposed.  He wanted to let me get mostly done with grad school first, which looking back was a good plan.  By the time he proposed, all I had left to do was write my thesis, and that was even hard to focus on with a wedding on my brain!

I know it’s hard, but if you truly think it will happen, then just try to get your mind off of it.  Or allow yourself to start thinking about weddings and what you will do when it’s your turn.  Be patient through the new year.  If it still hasn’t happened, then it’s time to have a calm talk with him (don’t be a crying, snot-nosed, babbling idiot like me ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

If you’re concerned as to whether he will propose at all, then try to rid your mind completely of the topic until after New Years.  No sense in driving yourself crazy.  Focus on home projects, cooking, hanging with girl friends, anything to get your mind off of it.  Try not to shut yourself off from him emotionally, that will only make things worse.

You’re not the only person who is/has felt this way.  Stay strong and know your time will come.

The topic ‘Promised to propose…how to deal with dignity’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors