(Closed) Promised to propose…how to deal with dignity

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

Your story sounds so familiar! It will be 4 years in December for me. I am 27 and SO is 37.. In March SO and I went on a break for 3 months because he felt I was pressuring him too much on marriage. It was the longest three months of my life but i kept busy and learned alot from the break. When we got back together he asked me when I wanted to get engaged. I told him by the end of 2014 And be married by summer of 2015 I would be happy with. My SO didnt say yes or no he just smiled.. so I was taking it as a silent agreement. SO told me I just need to trust him.. And he has told me many times that he wants to get married. I’ve shown him a picture of the ring I want “Tiffany embrace”. As it stands now I’m hoping it will happen by the end of the year like you! Good luck! Keep us updated πŸ™‚ 

Post # 32
Member
13237 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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lalanono:  In that case, I wouldn’t say anything until after the New Year.  I’d want to see if he keeps his word without being reminded.  Despite the fact that you said you didn’t care, at this point, he might be trying to save as much as possible for the ring before his self imposed deadline. 

Post # 33
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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lalanono:  I think it would be respectful of you not to pester him yes. I told my DH in around May (of the year that we got engaged) that I wouldn’t stay in France with just a boyfriend, that I wanted to be here with family. We never spoke about it again and he proposed in September of that year. It would be unfortunate to talk about it all the time.

Post # 35
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I totally get you! I have been with my fiance for 5 years now, 3 living together. I am in nursing school, and the unspoken agreement was always that we would get married when I was finished. He proposed in September, when I was hoping it would be over the summer. We even went on a trip and I was sure that’s when he would do it. I was getting scared, and my “leave date” was this summer coming up. If I didn’t have a ring by then, I had a feeling it wasn’t going to happen. He does not particulary like the idea of marriage, because his last one ended badly and both of his parents have been through numerous marriages and divorces. And, this past spring, he told me he loves me whether or not we got married, and to him it’s just a piece of paper. That was heartbreaking, I told him that even though he feels that way, I felt differently. It means a lot more to me. I told him to keep that in mind, and if it is just a piece of paper, then why not just get married? I asked him to do it for me. So after six long months of majorly stressing, and lots of tears he never saw, I got my dream. I have to say, even if my leave date came around with no ring, I don’t think I would have been able to leave. I love him way too much, so that also made me cry a lot.

Post # 36
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Also, when I bugged him to see if he had asked my dad in August, he said no. He lied. He had asked my dad about 3 months before the proposal.

Post # 38
Member
456 posts
Helper bee

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lalanono:  I’ll admit, I haven’t read through the entire thread.

But I just wanted to say…I feel you. Trust me. I’ve been with my SO for 8 years now, living together since 1.5 years. It can get so frustrating at times, you just want to shake them and stomp your feet and just yell and cry about why they’re taking so long. I totally get it. I, like you, also had my moments where I cried in the shower. It’s a totally a thing, you know! πŸ˜‰

I also made it clear upon moving in together that I was not cool with just dating indefinitely. I want marriage and a family. Unfortunately, it has taken some time for him to feel ready. We’ve recently looked at rings, he’s created a budget, and we’re going back next week. I think he’s even thinking about when to propose, because he mentioned how him doing it at Christmas would be a no-no in his mind haha. Am I ecstatic about this progress? You betcha! Have there been tons of fights, tears, and moments where I wondered if it would EVER happen? Oh yes. Especially when, for whatever reason, he just could not articulate WHY he wasn’t ready. He just wasn’t. 

I’ll be the first to admit that I have had many ugly waiting moments, unfortunately. At times it can be just too easy to take it personally. At one point, my SO told me we would be engaged within 2-3 years. That passed. Then he told me not to worry, he had plans. I wouldn’t be waiting forever. Time kept passing. Then, finally, after a particularly rough patch in our relationship [I’m not sure if things finally hit him that I wouldn’t wait forever or what], but it seems he came to his senses. He told me we’d be engaged within 6 months, which puts us into December/January. And he’s been the one suggesting picking out a ring together and going to look. It was also his suggestion to go back next week. Sometimes I’m totally cool and not even thinking about getting engaged… other times…it can be bad. What helps me calm down is thinking to myself – do I want to get married or do I want to marry him? My answer is I don’t want to simply be married to just anybody. I want to marry him. He’s my best friend. We’ve been through so much together, I can’t even fathom going through life with anybody else. 

I’m sorry for rambling, just wanted to share a bit. But even though it can be very hard to wait, I truly think you should wait until just after the deadline he gave you. He might surprise you. He’s probably getting everything all lined up. Even my SO, who KNOWS I will say yes, recently told me he was planning on proposing on our anniversary but chickened out [also didn’t because I was sick at the time but still admitted he was nervous]. It’s a big deal. Even if it’s inevitable, even if you have no doubts you guys will be together forever… getting engaged IS a big step. I’m sure at some point even us Waiting bees will have it hit us … oh my god we’re actually engaged! 

Anyway, keep us posted on how things are going and I highly recommend coming here to vent anytime you need. This board can really help at times. πŸ™‚

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by  authentic.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by  authentic.
Post # 40
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Once upon a time, 8 and a half years into my relationship with FH I’d sworn that I had a firm deadline, and was leaving him without a proposal if I’d been living with him out of wedlock for one WHOLE year.

Fast forward to the date my “deadline” hit. I knew that I would never love a person on the planet more than I loved this man, and no matter what – no matter how many posts I read about “leave him, he obviously doesn’t care about you”, “stick to your predetermined deadline and LEAVE him” posts, nothing anyone could say on the internet could ever understand our situation, our relationship, or the love we felt for one another.

Of course I dont want anyone to waste their life pining away for a man that isn’t serious about you, but only you know the man you love; rest of the world be damned.

I said “I DONT CARE ENOUGH ABOUT A RING TO LEAVE THIS WONDERFUL MAN” to my deadline, and 29 days later I was engaged.

Fiance never knew about said deadline. It’s just that when the day came, I knew I couldn’t do it. I knew that it would have been a huge mistake. I knew that I simply couldn’t leave a man based on the opinions and advice given to me in every column and forum I’d ever seen.

Perhaps I am the exception, and not the rule: but I would like to believe that as women, we have a real and true understanding about the situations we find ourselves in, and we are wise enough to understand when it’s a case of differing timelines as opposed to differing views on marriage and life together.

Post # 41
Member
3658 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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emilypaige:  And I can’t imagine staying with someone who lied to me about the most important thing in our relationship, getting married, as though my own wishes didn’t matter. I would feel as though he was pacifying me, as you would a small child.

For women who want to have children and to be married while having them, timelines do matter.

I really like the way the OP clarified her intent of marriage, told her bf that she wasn’t moving in with him without a declaration of marriage, and checked in with him again about his intent. That’s clear communication and is starting it off well.

I don’t believe that marriage is the highest declaration of love, but to each his own. My point is that if marriage is what one wants, one needs to work toward that goal, and a bf who won’t committ doesn’t move one toward that goal.

 

 

 

Post # 42
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion

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FauxPas2012:  I think your interpretation of my post is a bit distorted because I agree — timelines are important. I also think that there should absolutely be a zero tolerance policy for lying to someone about something this important. Lying about getting engaged is an entirely different can of worms than the issue at hand here — OP’s SO hasn’t lied to her. It is simply getting closer to the time frame he gave her and she’s starting to panic.

I just personally believe that walking away on a certain date is a bit extreme and something I would never do to someone I loved enough to want to spend the rest of my life with. Would I stress the importance of marriage? Yes. Would I explain how a specific timeline factors into my values of a marriage before starting a family, etc.? Of course. But I wouldn’t keep quiet about these things and give up by a certain date. 

According to OP’s latest update, she was crying in the shower over this situation. That doesn’t really sound like open communication to me. 

“This is why I didn’t want to move in before being engaged. … And I’ve been hiding my feelings for months so you don’t feel pressured. I can only take so much!!!”… <– All of this right here? OP, I say forget about him feeling pressured and tell him how you feel. If that doesn’t lead to a conversation that puts you on the same page and makes you feel better, I think you have your answer as to whether or not to walk. <br /><br />

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mrs.c.2015: “I said “I DONT CARE ENOUGH ABOUT A RING TO LEAVE THIS WONDERFUL MAN” to my deadline…” My thoughts, exactly!

Post # 43
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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lalanono: I don’t understand timelines. Just let things happen naturally. You can tell, for the most part, where a relationship is headed. A lot of the times women just get insecure when they’ve been dating for x amount of years. You both just need to be up front. If you don’t want to move in before an engagement, then don’t. If you’ve been dating for a while, just make sure you’re on the same page. But once you start to feel THIS insecure? It’s for a reason. Listen to your gut.

A healthy relationship doesn’t need ultimatums and deadlines. A man that is marriage material knows what he wants and he doesn’t need to be forced into anything. Just like a woman who is marriage material doesn’t try to force her man into something.

Maybe he’s waiting for Christmas time or something. Or maybe, like I said, you should listen to your gut. Either way you need to tell him how your feeling, and then decide where to go from there.

 

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by  MrsRoberts52.
Post # 44
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

So seven months ago you guys decided to get engaged with the understanding that he wants to do it properly and now you’re flipping out? I’d have trouble saving for a proper ring that quickly. He’s likely not going to ask your dad until he has the ring and is ready to go. If he wants it to be a surprise, he’s not going to risk your parents ruining it for you.

If you had a problem with his dealine, you should have brought it up months ago. You need to chill out until 2015.

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