Proposal and step children

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 17
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

Also, even with animosity between my ex and me, I didn’t introduce my partner to kids until I had ex’s permission and the two men met.

 

I know it’s rough, because my ex moved in with the woman he cheated on me with a month after my son was born.

I sti spoke respectfully of them to my daughter. It freaking sucks but you can do it.

Post # 20
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

quirkylady :  That’s awful.

 

I only bring it up because you seem pretty obviously disgusted with her. As adults entrusted with the upbringing of little kids, we need to be super careful what we expose them to. Even in cases where our opinions are justified.

 

Kids see themselves LITERALLY as half their mom, half their dad.

 

If you make them think either of those people is a bad person, the kid projects that onto themselves and it has massive lasting damage to their self view.

 

 

Post # 22
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I split with my XH in when my daughter was 4.  My next husband was my friend before I split, so she had met him, but once we started dating I kept them fairly seperate until I knew I was serious.  I started letting them spend time together after about 10 months of dating.  She was easy.  We got married when she was 6, and he died 5 months later when she was still 6.  He did not move in until we married.

 

I started dating my new husband when my daughter was 7.  I didn’t introduce them until I had known him/been dating him for about 9 months.  I just didn’t want her to get attached too soon.  She was devastated after my late husband’s death and I figured she’d get attached quickly.  She started hanging out with my new husband when she was almost 8, and we got married when she was 9.5.  He did not move in until we were married.

 

She was happily accepting of my new husband as well, so there were no issues.  We’ve navigated the step-parenting world as things have come, and my husband takes direction from me and tries his best.  With no kids it doesn’t come easily to him but he tries.

 

My XH and I get along very well and there is no drama there, except for what he naturally creates by being a doofus.  But we’re nice to each other so I really don’t know how I would navigate a craxzy ex.  The situation sounds rough, I’m sorry.

Post # 23
Member
1045 posts
Bumble bee

quirkylady :  Fiance has two kids. He’s been divorced 7 years; we’ve been togethet 6 years. Not until we moved in together have I spent time with his kids during visitation. The kids and I have a great relationship. 

If your fiancé’s kids found out about their parents’ seperation only 10 mos ago, they need more time to process the information. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been divorced, and who didn’t tell them 6 years ago, and who is at fault. Personally, I would not spend time with the kids, and allow your fiance to have as much time alone with them as it takes before they become comfortable with their new reality. It’s something that needs to progress only as quickly as the kids are comfortable. 

Post # 24
Member
975 posts
Busy bee

So, you may not like this, but you need to weigh how much heartache the ex-wife’s crazy is worth. 

DH’s daughter was 17 and driving when we moved in together and his son was already at college, which eased a lot of issues with his ex-wife, as there was no dealing with drop offs/pickups, who is taking SD where, etc… Being 17, SD had a lot more control over her situation, taking power away from the ex (and, yes, DH). Honestly, if that weren’t the case, I would not have moved in with Darling Husband, bc his ex has some serious power/control issues and I wasn’t about to let his ex determine what went on in my home. If SD had been younger and SS was also in the home as a pawn, there would’ve been way too much drama and conflict for my comfort level (there was and continues to be drama, but it’s bearable and sporadic now with DH’s kids out of the house). This was actually a discussion I had with him before we moved in together – that I was not dealing with his ex’s crazy when it came to running my household. 

It sounds like your SO’s ex brings a lot of drama. Chances are, it’s not going to get better anytime soon and your SO doesn’t know how to handle it. Are you really prepared to deal with that? 

 

Post # 25
Member
1045 posts
Bumble bee

quirkylady :  “It’s actually to the point where I feel he dumps me the minute he has his kids.”

As someone who has dated a few people who had children, this is your reality, and it’s the way it should be. His kids should come first. When you have children together, he’ll have to figure out how he’s going to make all of his kids a priority. It may not be an ideal scenerio where all of your kids coexist happily. His kids may never recover from what happened, and there may always be resentment toward you and your fiance, and your kids. His kids won’t care their mom makes it a point to make life harder for everyone. They won’t see it that way. That’s their mom, and they love her. Just something to think about before you move forward with him. You love him, but will you love your life with him the more complex it may potentially become? 

 

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