Post # 1
I’ve had a couple of dreams over the last few months about not liking my engagement ring.
Background: My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting engaged since last spring. He said it would happen before the end of the year, and the more weeks that pass, the more anxious I get waiting for him to ask. We went “ring browsing” a few months ago when I realized he knew nothing about rings. He was up for it, and I wanted him to have an idea of what I liked (heaven forbid he confuses emerald with emerald cut, but it wouldn’t surprise me).
He also wants to surprise me. He said he already knows how he wants to propose, but recently admitted he doesn’t know if the logistics will work out. I reminded him that the jeweller we’d talked to said it could take at least six weeks for a ring to get ordered, made and received, and I’d rather he just talk to me about it if the ring upends his proposal plans. (Instead of leaving me in the dark, continuously wondering why he hasn’t proposed yet.)
The dreams: I’ve had at least two dreams where he proposed, and I didn’t like the rings. I tell him about these dreams because there are funny aspects – e.g. in the most recent dream, the ring kept changing every time I looked at it, eventually becoming a masonic ring! In response, he told me that if I rejected the ring, he might rescind the proposal.
Obviously, I’m not losing sleep over this – I mean, I’m full-on REM sleeping! But has anyone else ever had ring or proposal anxiety? I hate sounding so materialistic (I don’t even want a wedding. I’m perfectly happy eloping at a courthouse), but now I’m worried that if he proposes with a ring I don’t like, even if I accept it, it might show on my face, and will ruin the moment for him.
Post # 2
To me, it sounds like the two of you need to improve your communication. You are being passive-aggressive about a topic that you disagree about, rather than communicating about it openly.
You want more involvement in the ring purchase (i.e., you mention that you realized he knows nothing about rings and might confuse an emerald with an emerald cut), and you are so worried that you won’t like his choice that you are dreaming about it. But instead of clearly telling him about your anxiety and asking to help pick the ring, you just talked around the issue by telling him about your dreams and emphasized the “funny” aspects.
For his part, he clearly recognized that you were expressing concern about the ring choice. But instead of responding to your dream stories with openness to invovle you and alleviate your anxiety, he doubled-down on excluding you and shutting down your input by saying that if you don’t like whatever ring he gives you, he might rescind the proposal! Ouch.
Post # 3
I can understand the proposal anxiety. I too have proposal anxiety. My reasons are a little different, we picked out the ring and he purchased it with me present (8/30) and I keep wondering when it will happen and what he is waiting for. I finally asked for a timeframe…such as it will happen before Valentine’s or whatever, and he said in the next two months a month ago. However, I started getting anxiety that he would propose in a public setting (which I would die) and so when he would ask me to go places we had not been to yet (like a vineyard), I would try to make other plans. I finally had to tell him how much anxiety it was giving me and to please promise not to do it in a public setting. He agreed not to. It doesn’t make the waiting any easier.
Post # 4
It all depends on how you’re looking at it- is this going to be your one and only Ering that you wear daily and gaze upon lovingly for the rest of your life? Or are you like me- my original ering itself wasn’t a HUGE deal to me, it was in the fact that it symbolized our commitment and upcoming wedding so I loved it for that. But the ring itself wasn’t too important to me, we were quite broke at the time and it was a spontaneous purchase (we were at an auction to buy furniture and they also happened to have jewelry, it was ridiculously inexpensive so we bought it). I knew I wasn’t the type to wear the same jewelry every day, because I don’t think such a ring- that I would love and adore for the rest of my life- even exsists. My taste, and functionality of a ring has changed over the years. Right now I have about four different wedding sets (that I’ve bought myself over the years) that I switch out. I still wear my original ring once in a while, I love it for the sentimentality of it and it *is* a cute little ring, but asking me to wear the same jewelry every day is like asking me to wear the exact same outfit every day.
So I guess it depends on how you feel about it. If this is going to be your one and only that you cherish every day of your life, then your anxiety is warrented and you should talk to your SO about having more input. But if you’re more like me then *Meh*, just roll with it.
Post # 5
“he told me that if I rejected the ring, he might rescind the proposal.“
Well that’s a shitty thing to say to you. That’s like you saying “if i don’t like the ring you get I’ll reject your proposal.” It’s punitive and nasty and completely uncalled for.
Why is he threatening such a thing? I would not have let the conversation end there. You are setting yourself up for a bad situation if you don’t start communicating more clearly ASAP. And this will follow you into marriage.
Post # 6
I have proposal anxiety. He said it is happening by next May, and keeps saying “next year” so I think it’s this year and he’s trying to throw me off. He keeps telling me to go get my nails done etc too… so yeah, I’m reading into everything. I had ring anxiety as well, just because I didn’t want him to get tricked by a jeweler selling crap trying to make it sound good (which happens a lot). I referred him to my favorite jeweler, and actually worked with the jeweler to design a custom setting style. I have no clue the size, shape, or anything of what he is putting in the style of setting, but he actually felt relieved I took the guesswork out of the setting. I know the jeweler only sells top notch diamonds, so I’m not worried anymore about him getting suckered into paying too much for something low quality.
Post # 7
Why wouldn’t you just take the pressure off and tell him to propose with a stand in ring and you pick together?
You’re setting both of you up to just be annoyed
Post # 8
You need to be more direct if you’re this concerned about the ring. Do not leave it up to him. It’s your ring. You have to wear it every day and love it.
But more importantly? Uhhh…someone who threatens to rescind their proposal if you don’t like the ring should give you MARRIAGE anxiety, not proposal anxiety. Sorry if that’s harsh, but I’m literally uncomfortable about that.
Post # 9
yes! I definitely had ring anxiety even though I picked it out myself. I wanted to go to a specific jeweler which my now fiancé didn’t really love so we went with local (now thanking god I didn’t go to an out of state jeweler). But I still had dreams about hating my ring! Like your boyfriend, he too knew nothing about diamonds or rings.
When I received it though it was beautiful, although some aspects weren’t exactly what I asked for – the meaning behind the ring and everything he did that day to make it special is what makes me love it even more!!
But, like pp said you two need to have a conversation. It’s will be on your finger forever unless you upgrade and you both should love it, it shouldn’t be one sided. It’s not fair for him to say if you don’t like the ring then he’ll rescind the proposal when he’s not even giving you a say! You should be able to pick it out together.