(Closed) Proposal blues

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 16
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

Sorry you’re going through this, it does suck when you’re ready to be serious about things and he’s joking and trying to make light of it all. I think it’s time for an honest conversation. It might not sound very romantic, but at least you will know what he really thinks.

Post # 17
Member
1700 posts
Bumble bee

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mashlek8 :  

Honestly, I don’t think you are really being fair…sounds to me like you didn’t want to live together before getting engaged and he didn’t want to get engaged before living together….I am wondering if you chose to be the one to compromise because you knew there was no way he was getting engaged before living together (personally, I wouldn’t either!), and figured if you didn’t live together the relationship would be over…I think you are just NOW entering the timeframe where someone decides to make the next step – you can’t live with someone for a month or two and know if you are compatible long term…I think you need to relax, take a step back and give him some time…if by JUNE (1 year), there is still no ring, THEN I would have a conversation with him and be prepared to move out.

Also, maybe I am misinterpreting, but it sounds like you are more interested in getting married, than getting married to HIM…

Post # 18
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I think everyone who is saying you compromised your values isn’t being totally fair. You stood your ground at the time, and then he agreed to give you what you wanted and even took you ring shopping. You told him what ring you liked, he promised it would be within a year, and he knew how important it was for you that it be before you moved in together.

The fact that you were debating walking away from the new place two weeks out because he hadn’t proposed shows just how dedicated you were to those values. That would have been a huge deal. I don’t blame you for thinking it was the death in the family that could have been delaying things, and I also think proposing the first night you guys spent in your new place together would have been extremely meaningful based on your values!

That being said, I think if he isn’t just pulling your leg with the whole “Where was that ring from? Oh they don’t make it anymore” thing, then I don’t believe he has a strong desire to commit to you. If he truly wanted to, and if he cared about your values, he would have bought the ring you wanted and made sure to propose well before you guys moved in together.

Also, while it is true that he said he wanted to live together first, the fact is he agreed to do it your way because it was so important to you, so he should have followed through or said no in the first place. Maybe that would have led to a break up if you both valued your perspective highly enough not to falter, but all I am saying is you didn’t force him to agree and he said he wanted to marry you regardless of living together or not, so I don’t think he cared that much about conceding on that point.

Post # 19
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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nordiclight :  I think you’re reading into things. She did in fact cave on “her values” — she could have refused to move in that night if he didn’t propose. And she says later she didn’t expect him too anyway. It honestly sounds more like a threat to get what she wanted and he called her bluff than anything.

Post # 20
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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wonderlily :  I guess if you want to look at it in black and white, yes, she moved in with him without a ring on her finger and therefore caved on her values.

I am just saying it became a grey situation with the fact that he agreed to those terms, took her ring shopping, gave her a timeline, signed a lease with this agreement in place, then the death in the family…a lot of those would make me give the man I love and want to marry the benefit of the doubt rather than saying “so I know at Christmas you said you would propose within the year and it is only June, but you also said you would propose before we moved in together and we have now been living together for two hours and I don’t see a ring, so I’m leaving. K bye.”

Post # 21
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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nordiclight :  Your statement twice now that “he agreed to the terms” is why I said you’re reading into it. She never said he did. She stated her values and “that was the end of the discussion” according to the OP. You are saying here that he agreed to propose before moving in together but I do not see that in any of the OP’s posts. And while I think you’re being dramatic with what you suggest she say, I do think if she wanted to be firm about her stance on the proposal before moving in together, she just would not have agreed to the lease in the first place. Let him find a place of his own that has room for her so that she can move in when she’s ready. This is not an unusual thing for couples to figure out how to navigate. It comes down to that she agreed to move in with him without the ring. I did agree that if he hasn’t shown up by Christmas then they need a serious convo, but really, at this time, he has not reneged on anything he stated as it has been presented here.

Post # 22
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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wonderlily :  Okay, I guess I misinterpreted that, I assumed that he had agreed by the way everything was laid out and the things he did next, but you’re right, she never said he agreed to her terms.

She compromised her values for the man she loves. Happy? 🙂

Post # 23
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

I’d be upset if anybody put F in the same sentence of a proposal discussion.

Post # 25
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

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mashlek8 :  This is why I do not believe in people living together before marriage. No reason to propose if he’s got all he wants. Live by yourself and have a frank discussion. If not, move on.

Post # 26
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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crackerjax :  haha come on now – this is 2016. Just because people live together doesn’t mean he will not propose because he has all he wants!

I lived with my bf (now FI) for a year and a half before he proposed and I am so happy we did. We have gotten to know another way better this way before entering into marriage.

I am not trying to insult anyone who doesn’t believe in cohabitation prior to marriage however let’s be realistic with perspectives here and not make wild generalizations about how a man will not propose if he already lives with you hahaha

Post # 27
Member
7423 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Well…I was the same as you. I told my fiance I didn’t want to live together without a proposal. Not for religious reasons or anything–but because to me living together is a huge step and not something I do lightly. I’m not going to uproot my life and move in with a person unless they’re committed to marrying me. (This is just how I personally feel…no judgment on those who felt differently.)

Well, my fiance was the opposite – he always thought he would live with his gf before proposing, that’s just the order he saw things happening in. But, while I’m a flexible person most of the time, this was nonnegotiable for me, and I made that very clear. So he thought about it for awhile, and eventually decided he knew he wanted to marry me anyway so he may as well propose before we moved in together, which he did.

Did I pressure him? Of course he must have felt pressure. But it was more important for me to stick to my guns on something that is vitally important to me than to appear “non pressuring.” 

Anyway my point is, you’ve brushed your own values aside long enough, it’s time to stand up for what you want. yes you will be putting pressure on him by telling him an engagement is nonnegotiable if this relationship (or at least living arrangement) is to continue, but I’m guessing he’s a big boy. He can deal with the pressure. He’s under no obligation to submit to it. If he doesn’t want to marry you, you putting pressure on him to propose is not going to force his hand – he can always say “I’m sorry but I just am not ready to take this step yet” – and then you will have to move out and move on. 

But the worst thing you can do is continue setting imaginary timelines and ultimatums in your head, not communicate those to your SO, and then build resentment and angst when he continues not to give you what you want.

Post # 28
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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tiffanybruiser :  +1000. 

OP, you caved because you wanted to. “Next time” stick to your guns. 

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