(Closed) Proposal disapointed

posted 4 years ago in Proposals
Post # 77
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

linds1226:  I suspected as much. I’m sorry to hear it. I think some previous comments might be taking this post at face value, when really your concerns are about the relationship.

In a good, healthy relationship, the way he proposed shouldn’t be an issue. There’s this hollywood-esque notion that men have to go all out, but it doesn’t reflect reality, and many people (me included) are in very happy marriages that began with very, very casual proposals.

Will you consider counseling? Given that the answer isn’t simple, that would be the best place to explore the substance of the relationship and find a way forward.

Post # 78
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

linds1226:  I see three things you can do to be proactive in your situation. 

1) I know it’s hard and you feel helpless but it’s unlikely you will get the help you need from a wedding planning sight. At face value your post looks like just another bee complaining about a disappointing proposal. While that is the consensus of your post, I don’t think this has anything at all to do with a proposal. It was just a way to try and seek out help. Again, this is not the place to do so and I’m sorry that the internet misguided you. I think you need to get off of this thread as it seems to be cultivating a not so helpful slew of responses which likely will make you feel worse.

2) Instead seek out help in reality. Try sitting your mom down again if she is your go to. Tell her how miserable you are. Tell her how down you feel. Or write her a letter if you struggle with in person communication. Depression is a strong word, don’t use it unless you really truly are depressed. It’s not something to take likely. So if you feel that strongly then you need to seek out professional help in addition to support from your mom. Many universities actually have programs where graduate students provide therapy for community walk-ins. It would give you a low cost outlet and someone who could give you more resources for what’s available in your area. Or you can also make an appointment with your primary care physician in hopes of getting a psychiatric evaluation. Going the clinical rout, you may be able to get on medication if it turns out to be a hormonal imbalance. Personally, I suggest all the above. 

3) In the meantime, do NOT analyze every little dissatisfaction within your relationship. Do not keep a subconscious list of disappointments and wrong-doings. This is kind of relationship 101. It will not help you but rather you will meditate on negativity. Doing this can turn even the most healthy and joyful relationship into a disaster. Negativity breeds negativity. In all aspects, especially relationships. Focus instead on the positive. If he’s emotionally abusing you that’s one thing. But if you are just harboring hurt feelings and keeping score then you’re actually just abusing yourself. If he does something new that upsets you, then work through that roadblock. But in no way is it fair to connect such with past offences. In marriage, you have to learn to fight fair because fights will happen. But you cannot keep score. Seriously. Just don’t.

I hope this helps you and that you get the assistance you need. Good luck.

Post # 79
Member
2129 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

linds1226:  “U never know how much someone is dealing with internally from 1 small snippet of their life.”

Exactly! So why post on a wedding board and get totally bent out of shape over comments (from internet strangers that have read only 1 small snippet of your life) instead of going to see a therapist if your issues run that deep?

 

Post # 80
Member
2005 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

MrsWe:  +1000 

Post # 81
Member
6832 posts
Busy Beekeeper

linds1226:  I read your previous post and to be honest your proposal sounded like a nice proposal to me–he did plan ahead, gave you the ring you wanted, arranged for child care so the two of you could be alone, etc.

But, this doesn’t seem to be about a proposal. You do not seem happy with this man. Whether that is the result of constant comparison, or your feeling that he isn’t fully committed, or his controlling behavior–it doesn’t sound like a good situation.

You have children together–have you tried counseling, both for yourself and together?

Post # 83
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

OP, if you truly feel the way your update says you feel and your SO is truly as manipulative, controlling, and demeaning as you say he is then walk away.  Some women like to be in controlling relationships and some do not.  If you’re one who does not then it won’t work.  I could never date/marry a man who acts as you have outlined your SO to act.  

Post # 84
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

linds1226: 

Okay so… after your updated posts, it looks very clear that the proposal is just a tiny symptom of a myriad of major relationship issues.

It sounds like you’ve been trying to analyze yourself and your outlook to try and refocus and get perspective on your life because you think you’re feeling depressed when you shouldn’t be (like when your husband tells you that you have “no reason to feel that way” and it sounds like you believe him), and if you just get a better perspective and be realistic, you can be happy. That makes sense and is an admirable effort because perspective is incredibly important, and people can get into negative mental spirals very easily and obsess over things that don’t matter. However, if the problems are realistically elsewhere, then you’re just going to beat yourself into a pulp and drive yourself crazy over things out of your control and possibly invest yourself deeper into a very unhealthy relationship.

From your description, he sounds controlling and apathetic and completely disinterested in your feelings, which does not represent a good husband. Again, I don’t know him or the relationship, but from your words he doesn’t sound like a very loving husband, nor did he sound like a loving fiance, actually.

You need help, and your husband probably needs help also. You sound very dejected and depressed. From how he acted throughout the whole wedding-planning process, it doesn’t sound like he cared about your feelings from the beginning. That cake issue? That’s a big red flag right there, unless there was some horrible miscommunication. You said you wanted ONE thing: a dream wedding cake. You even had most of the money ($1,200… which, if you gave up your career, how did you save for that? Do you also work? IF you also work, then why is he “allowing” you to get your hair done for your birthday?), and all you needed was $400 more. Not only did he refuse, but then he turned and spent like $720 on a separate cake? What?? That shows some crazy serious selfishness right there on his part… and concerning you… I’m very worried about your self-esteem. If what you’re saying is accurate or mostly accurate (I’m in no way saying you’re purposely trying to be misleading, but sometimes one side of a story looks very different from the other just because of emotion and perspective), then I’m afraid you’ve possibly have married into a emotionally abusive or at least emotionally devoid relationship with a very selfish guy.

I’m also very concerned that he is IGNORING your requests to avoid having lunch multiple times a week with this woman. I’m not sure if it’s true or not, but a ESPECIALLY a woman who is known to try and snag married guys? That’s… really bad. If it means nothing and is casual, he should have no problem respecting your request out of love for you (especially if the information about her is true). Just because they go out with a friend now doesn’t mean that it won’t become just the two of them very soon, or happy-hour-after-work, etc. That’s a slippery slope especially when it sounds like he doesn’t really care how you feel…?

 

So I must ask… Why did you want to marry him? Was it because you had kids and he was a great dad? Because it doesn’t really sound like he does much for you, emotionally. It doesn’t sound like he concerns himself with you or how you feel… But I have to ask if there is more here. Or why did he want to marry you? Do you know the reasons for this on your or his side?

Did you have kids with him before getting married? Is it possible he just felt obligated? Or that you both felt obligated? Did it just seem like it made sense because you had kids, been together, lived together… ?

 

Post # 85
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

To quote old Teddy Roosevelt “Comparison is the thief of joy.” It really is. Just be happy he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and doesn’t feel like there needs to be a huge production (mostly based on what other people will think) and that he feels like he can be himself and ask you for a lifetime commitment in a down to earth way. Seriously youtube and social media are running proposals for “regular folk.” That sounds like a perfectly lovely proposal. 

Post # 86
Member
2774 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

spideringspider:  this this this!

OP I’m the one who asked about birthdays and other special occasions and whether or not you were disappointed in the whole marriage thing. I’m sorry to hear that the proposal was just the beginning. 

Post # 87
Member
5863 posts
Bee Keeper

linds1226:  Wow, how very emotionally manipulative to so harshly judge the people who gave very real advice based on the information you provided. Then you provide all kinds of additional information and throw people under the bus for not being more understanding when it was you who gave a very limited version of the whole picture. 

Post # 88
Member
4943 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

linds1226:  Look, I think most proposals are low key and casual without all the fanfare – it just seems like they should be some “big thing” because of sites like the Bee and Pinterest.

My proposal? We were sitting on the couch planning a vacation/looking up flights and he said “wanna get married?” No champagne, no plan, no speech, no ring (that came later) nothing except his wish to get married. And to me, that’s all that matters. 🙂 

Focus on the important thing, rather than the fanfare around the gesture. 🙂

Post # 89
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

First off, I can understand disappointment with your proposal…  I was a little disappointed with mine at the time but I got over it because I love him and realize that HOW he did it wasn’t important.  I’m married to the man of my dreams, my best friend and the love of my life! 

Your issues go much deeper… I echo some of the sentiments that others have shared.  You need to seek help, but I think ultimately, you BOTH need to seek help if you want to make anything work here.  Children make it worth trying for, otherwise my advice would be much different.

The topic ‘Proposal disapointed’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors