Post # 1
So I am not sure how common this is but given I don’t want to discuss with close family and friends for fear of ‘ruining the surprise’ i need advice!
My partner and I have been together 4 years, discussed marriage and kids etc and I’m 30 this year so eager to crack on!
Early Feb he went on a stag do in Europe and I got a drunken text saying ‘why are we not married?’ – to which I replied the obvious ‘you haven’t proposed!’ – The following day he text saying he’d arrange some ring shopping on coming home.
It was our anniversary the week after and he asked me to meet him for some shopping – but then didn’t turn up! So I made the fatal error of taking myself ring shopping! I didn’t find the ring but I enjoyed trying on and deciding what I liked! The following week I persuaded him to take me to a local jeweller to make one that we both like – he gave no input about from the budget and was completely uninterested. I then had to drag him to another jewellers of which he was grumpy the entire way there and completely uninterested in the shop. I saw a ring I fell in love with, it was half his ring budget and he snapped it up without a second thought.
Since he bought it a month ago it’s been sat in the drawer because he said he doesn’t want to be the guy that did a crap proposal but now the excitement is fading, I don’t want to tell anyone and ruin the surprise but I’m a little devastated. Just feels like he doesn’t care and maybe I have pushed it onto him. I don’t feel like he gave his input on the ring and I don’t really feel like it’s about ‘us’ – which is what I wanted! I want it to be special!
I don’t think Instagram and multiple friends having the ‘perfect’ surprise engagement in the last 6 months! Have I got unrealistic expectations?
Post # 2
My husband waited 6 months after buying the ring to propose just before our 7 year anniversary. I LOVED my proposal, it was absolutely perfect and worth the wait. I didn’t feel that any excitement was taken out of it just because we moved slower than a lot of people.
I’m not really sure that the month the ring has been in the drawer is the problem here so much as him 1) standing you up for the first ring shopping trip (I hope he had a good reason and apologized!) and 2) him being grumpy during the ring shopping. It could put a damper on things and I could see how his attitude could make you question how much he felt pressured. However, he did bring it up first and he did buy the ring. You’ve been with him four years – if you love and trust him I would take him at his word that he does want to get married and relax and let him do the proposal his way.
Post # 3
My fiance was a little stressed out with the ring thing. He wanted it to be perfect and exactly what I wanted, but he also wanted it to be a surprise. He didn’t like me pestering him with a bunch of questions about it because he felt it was his thing to get the ring and propose. He seemed uninterested at times because that’s just how he deals with stress. Do you think you’ve come on too strong with the ring stuff and now he’s overwhelmed? It’s a big deal for a guy to buy a ring and ask a girl to marry them, even if they know for sure you’ll say yes.
Post # 4
I don’t know how to feel about you having to “drag” him to go ring shopping with you…Just seems a little strange, I feel like he should have been excited and enjoyed going with you. I agree with Kristin36890 that maybe you came on too strong about the ring. I would just play it cool for now and let him figure that part out on his own.
Post # 5
Did you really ‘drag’ him ring shopping?
Give him time – it’ll be exciting when it happens. My SO has had the ring since early December. In that time, I started a new job, we decided to move to a different state, we bought a house, now we’re having work done on it, and we’re moving in April. Plus I’m thinking about going back to school.
Things happen when they do, and you want your guy to be ready when he proposes. It would be so much worse if he proposed and then freaked out about it.
When my SO proposes, I know he’ll be ready, and he’s already so excited that he’s counting down until we move too, but it’s also frustrating that it’s taking a while. It’s okay to be a little impatient!
Take a breath, and let him do his thing. If you’re worried, have a timeline conversation, but don’t look for perfection – you’ll only be disappointed.
Post # 6
I am in yout situ, my partner has had the ring for about a month but I mistakenly saw the emails of the purchasing on his computer, so while I am not supposed to know.. I know. Just give him time, he will do it when he is ready, our story is a little different, weve reently moved states, towns and both started new jobs in those towns, I am not overly bothered but I do sometimes freakout when he is home before me about what I am about to walk into ahaha
Post # 7
He was drunk when he texted you about marriage.
He was sober when he stood you up for ring shopping, had to be dragged to the jeweler, begrudgingly bought a ring, and is sitting on it.
Do you really want this? It doesn’t seem like he does.
Post # 8
He was drunk at a bachelor party on the other side of the world missing you when he texted about being married and wanting to go ring shopping. Personally I try to take the things people say to me drunk with a grain of salt. It sounds like the reality of it is setting in and he’s having some second thoughts. I’d give him a little more time and if there’s still no proposal have a talk with him and see where he’s at.
Post # 9
Have you told him how his attitude when you were ring shopping with him made you feel?
The first two times my SO and I looked at rings, we were in the mall and just casually and spontaneously decided to go in. He was a bit unprepared and overwhelmed with all of the options and the price (we are going moissanite, but we were in Tiffany while I tried on 30k+ rings, haha), so he kept saying I don’t know when I asked his opinion and seemed pretty uncomfortable. I told him that night that his reaction was a little bit hurtful since this was important to me and I wanted ring shopping to be an exciting experience for both of us and I really wanted his opinion and input, and that perhaps we shouldn’t go to any more stores until we are both ready to be invested in the process. A couple weeks later, we went to Brilliant Earth and he was really into it and had tons of opinions and ideas, and was excitedly trying on men’s rings. We picked out my ring and now he’s (almost!) as excited about it as I am. But I think he had to hear that it was important to me for us to do this together, since maybe he felt left out or totally overwhelmed the first time and didn’t realize the value of his opinion in the whole process.
You know your SO better than us — from what you’ve written, it either seems like he’s nervous and overwhelmed, or having cold feet and didn’t really mean what he said in his drunken text. Either way, you should have a conversation to hear his side of things and explain your thoughts on the matter.
Also, he stood you up at a jewelry store on your anniversary?? Please say there’s a valid explanation for that! That’s a big no-no in my book.
Post # 10
It sounds like he was pressured into buying the ring. As a PP said, he was drunk when he suggested ring shopping, but he was sober when he stood you up and when he was sullen and resisted going ring shopping. Now he isn’t proposing fast enough and you want to control that, too? In situations like this, it always sounds like a woman just wants to plan her own proposal and have her BF/FI play the part in it she wants, but not to deviate from her “romantic” script. None of this has been romantic, and pressuring him to ask now that he has the ring won’t help. If he actually wants to marry you, he will, and you won’t have to plan and pressure him with that, too. If you do (plan and pressure him), you might as well propose to yourself, IMO.
Post # 11
Thanks everyone! We have since sat down and spoken about it and he is insistent that he isn’t regretting it and that he is really looking forward to it but he wants to plan a proposal that’s memorable. So I’m taking him at his word and will wait and see!
P.S he stood me up for work – it happens very often! We both have very high pressure jobs!
Post # 12
This whole story reminds me of the saying “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink”. You need to slow down bee, and let him do things in his own time.
Post # 13
Ehh, not sure how I would feel about a drunken ‘why are we not married??’ text especially when you have to drag him along to look at rings. I suppose you could let him at his own timeline but I’m cautious of people who suggest doing something yet can’t follow through… Drunk or not.