(Closed) proposal postonment!? need advice

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2250 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you really just need to be supportive of him looking for a new job right now, and don’t put any pressure on him about the engagement. If the guy is worried that he might have to leave the country if he can’t find another job, I think that is enough stress at the moment!

Post # 4
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My advice would be not to worry so much about engagement and rings and questions and such, and to focus on making sure the ground is stable. Really…in the end…if he is in YOUR country, and keeping a job is integral to staying in your country, then he needs to make sure his job stablility is secure. #1! Everything else is secondary.

ETA: a bit of propective – My SO and I have been together 5 years. during the first 3 years of our relationship neither of us were financially secure (just they way his job isn’t secure right now) and our living situation was not ideal (squatting!!!). We were young, poor and in love. Anyway, moral of the story is, we were together for 3.5 years before we were secure enough to move forward in our relationship. Of course I would have liked to have been engaged or even a promise ring around the 3 year mark…but really…when my SO was stressing about weither or not he was going to be homeless the next year and if his slave-driving job would give him a raise/promotion, getting me a ring was the farthest thing from his mind

Post # 6
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@angthrice:   Honestly, in a case like this I think you need to forgo the traditional “waiting on him to propose” because this is serious business.  He could be in danger of being deported if the two of you stall on this decision.

Ask yourself this – do you sincerely love and cherish this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him?  Do you trust him without hesitation and know he loves you just as deeply?

If the answers to those questions are “yes” then you need to have a talk with him about this.  Suggest getting married as soon as you can.  I just read the book, “Committed,” by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of “Eat, Pray, Love” and it’s the true story of her relationship with the Brazilian man she met in Bali (have you seen the movie?  The guy at the end.)  He became her husband, eventually, but they had to go through a lot of torment due to his suddenly not being able to re-enter the U.S. despite having been previously allowed to do so.  Kinda scary!

Talk to him!  If the two of you are sure of each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together, don’t hesitate to make it legal to protect each other.  Read that book!  This is too important to ponder for long and wait on the whole stupid, “waiting, wondering, agonizing, stressing, he-said, she-said, wanting it to be romantically ideal” proposal crap. 

This is real life, and if he gets kicked out of the country it could become too late for you.  If he really, truly is the love of your life and the man you see as your husband, take steps NOW.  You do not have to have a ring to be engaged!  And you don’t have to have money to get married – you can elope to the courthouse.  You can plan a nice ceremony later if you want, but don’t let this slide too long if he really is THE ONE.

Post # 8
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@angthrice:  “I kind of wanted to say “i just proposed to you!?!” but he deflected it and basically changed the subject and placated a bit like “I’ll get another job, it will all be fine, don’t worry” – not addressing the option i just put forward at all.

You really should have said that. I would have liked to know his answer….as I am sure you would have too.

And I don’t dig that whole “No worries, I’ll get another job…they just fall out the sky, don’t they?” Dude, we are JUUUUUUUST coming out of a recession. nothing is certain. 

Insist on him sharing his plan B with you. And if he doesn’t have one then instist he make one….INSIST. 

Remind him he will be DEPORTED if no plan B is in place.

Sorry…I get real serious about this stuff…like job security…no messing around there….

Post # 10
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@Sunfire:  +1.

Maybe you could approach it as a plan B perspective? Like give it awhile more, and say hey if by X date you don’t find a job, maybe our plan should be to get married (or something like that)?

Post # 11
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

Also, I’m not sure what type of visa he has, but for some of them, you only have 10 days to pack your things and leave if you lose your job. That doesn’t give him a whole lot of time to find a new one, so maybe emphasize that as well, and say that you don’t want to force the idea, but that you’re just putting it out there so you have a plan in place.

Post # 12
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@angthrice:  

Secondly I worry that now since I said “i don’t need a ring we can just go to the courthouse” – that he feels totally off the hook.

I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean by that. 

A ring is just a ring, you can get one any time; it is more important to have him be able to stay in the country, is it not?

Post # 13
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@angthrice:  before me and my fiance i got engaged i kept telling him we should just elope because it would save us money. and he always pushed it aside like i was joking, until one day i told him i was serious and he said i deserved the real deal… so maybe when you suggested you elope he thought you were joking.. try and bring it up again and let him know you really mean it

Post # 14
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

As someone with a SO here on a work visa who is waiting for a formal proposal but has already planned when to get married (along with contengency plans for if he loses his job) I say just sit down and have a big serious talk about this. Romance has to take a back seat when you’re dealing with USCIS.

I agree with @Sapphire-Dreamer:  you’ve got to talk about all the options, and you’ve got to do it upfront. I know he doesn’t want to think about having to rush things or have it go in a “less romantic” way than he would like, but it is your reality.

My SO and I recently went through a horrible visa scare (that has since been resolved) but we had to discuss all of our options – even the worst case scenario of us having to leave the United States and move to his home country permanently.

We’ve had to discuss keeping a paper trail of our relationship, of making sure to put both our names on bills when we move in together this spring, etc etc.

SO and I do not want to have to leave the US. We don’t want to have to rush to the courthouse tomorrow if things go poorly. But we’ve talked about all of these things, and how we would do them, and what it would mean for our lives.

Ideally, we’d like to wait, have a proposal, a nice long engagement, and a wedding. But we couldn’t wait around to hash out the logistics of that. There’s too much on the line.

If a courthouse wedding is not what you want (and it isn’t what I want!) but you need to do one, discuss what you will do about that as well. For example, we decided that we would still have a religious ceremony to reaffirm our vows (and wear a big white dress!) even if we had to marry in haste. Our parents are both on board with this plan as well. There are ways to still celebrate with family and friends if you have to get legally married to keep him here.

I’m going to tell you this now, if it is possible, keep him in the country. Marry him if he is what you want. Because we thought we were fine, he went home to renew his visa, and he almost couldn’t come back. It was the worst time of my life. The ring, the white dress, whatever, will mean nothing if you don’t know when you will be together again.

Post # 15
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It sounds like he’s trying to deal with this all on his own.  Maybe you can sit him down and just get everything on the table.  This is scary.  You have some options.  If you wait too long to actually face this thing together you might not have the same options etc etc.  Don’t let him brush this off…it’s time to face it and come to a decision together.

My MOH’s bf was deported (they have a son together).  It took 4 years for her to get herself and their son to France.  All they want is to be back in the states but that is a long road ahead of them.  
 

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